What young people and others say
"Unlike my book on The 7 Habits, this book by my son Sean speaks directly to teenagers in a fun and visually appealing style (and, Sean, I never thought you'd take a word from me). As biased as that may sound, this is a remarkable book that must be read!” -DR. STEPHEN R. COVEY (1932-2012), father of Sean Covey, author of the New York Times #1 bestseller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and co-founder and former Vice Chairman of Franklin Covey Co. “'Like father, like father Son' may sound like a cliché, but Sean proved it to be true. Sean is just as effective as his father at directing teenagers to make sense of their lives. Sean's 7 Habits is a book that every teenager should read and emulate." —ARUN GANDHI, President of the Gandhi Worldwide Education Institute "I've been a long-time fan of Stephen Covey and his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In fact, I liked his principles so much that we teach them to our off-season players as guiding principles. When I saw Sean's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, I was thrilled to have another weapon to take our players and our culture to a higher level. Whether you're a teenager or not, you should read this book!" - ANSON DORRANCE, coach, University of North Carolina women's soccer team, 22-time collegiate national champion "Sean's success stories remind me of the importance of making the best of yourself to do with what i have. I play a lot of sports even though I'm not a big kid. This book helped me to realize that if I'm going to achieve my goals, I need to rely on my speed and my smarts." —BRENT KUIK, 15 "Growing up isn't easy, but with the help of Sean Covey's book it can young adults learn to navigate through this uncomfortable time and come out the other side as a highly effective adult. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens empower young adults by reminding them that it's perfectly normal to make mistakes, but luckily this book will help them navigate the treacherous waters of adolescence if and when teens stray off course. Hopefully, through the literary experiences shared in this book, teenagers can learn to love themselves and ultimately discover the effective adult that waits beneath the surface. As a teacher, I like that this book is not only a guide for young adults, but also a starting point for teachers who are struggling to connect with their students by giving them the tools to create a world they love can be proud of!" —ERIN GRUWELL, founder of the Freedom Writers Foundation, author of the New York Times #1 bestselling book, The Freedom Writers Diary, and inspiration for the 2007 film Freedom Writers "I can do the simple, Highly recommend the no-nonsense advice in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens for teens, young adults, and their parents. You'll hear new perspectives on how to improve your relationships and leadership skills that will positively impact your life and lead to greater happiness. You will You'll see that getting started with these changes today is easier than you might think, and what's more, you'll be able to do and be successful in whatever you want to do. I have read it personally and practiced the timeless principles with my daughters." - DIANA THOMAS, US Vice President, Training, Learning and Development, McDonald's Corporation "This is an easy to read book full of interesting stories. I've really understood Sean's personal story about the fear of performing in front of people since I became a violinist. I'm sure teenagers around the world can relate to this, too.” – EMILY INOUYE, 14 “Fifteen years ago, Sean Covey wrote an amazing book teaching teenagers the power to control their behavior choose, but not the consequences. The choices teenagers make could change their lives forever! Every young person should read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It's a must-read for all my students!" - SALOME THOMAS-EL, award-winning educator and author of The Immortality of Influence and I Choose to Stay "One of the most defining aspects of my career has been the habits I picked up as a teenager. And that's why this book is so important. The younger you are when you set your direction and goals, and learn the tools to help you get there, the better off you'll be. This book defines what it means to be successful and is a must for any young adult. I only wish someone had shown me during those formative years of my life. I recommend it to anyone!"
– CHELSIE HIGHTOWER, professional ballroom dancer on Dancing With the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance “Sean's book helps teenagers become climbers rather than campers, live with purpose, and face obstacles without barriers. set. He challenges young people to “make your life extraordinary” and offers a path to get them there. In a world with so many distractions and temptations, the guidelines he provides are invaluable for living a purposeful and successful life." —ERIK WEIHENMAYER, blind adventurer, speaker, author and filmmaker "If you are a teenager or know someone, who will be, let him read this book. It will help them develop a pattern for dealing with change, disappointment, and even success. It is truly a powerful, life-changing book." —DEREK HOUGH, Emmy Award-winning choreographer "The inspiring examples from real-life problems that teenagers like me deal with every day, and their experiences and situations helped me make life-saving decisions . I would highly recommend this book to any teenager." —JEREMY SOMMER, 19 “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens have made life easier than ever for teenagers to navigate! If you want to live a life of contribution, set and achieve extraordinary goals, and stay focused and organized, practice every habit in Sean's book. It will help you become who you want to be." —JULIE MORGENSTERN, Author of Organizing from the Inside Out for Teens "This book is a great sword in the battle for the minds of our young people. It deserves to be more than just read, but to be lived in everyday life. What a great explanation of human values, ethics and generally how to lead a successfully fulfilling life." - DRAKE WHITE, Country Musician, Songwriter "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens are a valuable guide to navigating through teenage struggles and insecurities navigate. I wish someone had given me Sean Covey's book during my teenage years. This book is an essential guide to encouraging teenagers through the game of life. From advice on how to achieve your goals, to finding the right peers, to connecting more with your parents, this book has it all and is a recipe for teenage success and a solid foundation for the future. My kids will learn the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens as soon as they hit puberty!” — DOMINIQUE MOCEANU, US Olympic gold medalist in women's gymnastics and author of the New York Times bestseller “Off Balance” Prioritize, make good decisions, and most importantly, do it help build good character. Believe me - these are all things that will help you succeed in your life. Sean does a great job with the book.” —JIMMER FREDETTE, Naismith and Wooden Awards Winner, NBA Player “Teens face many challenges. And it's great that there is now a 7 Habits book available to help teens live positive lives. Through programming my foundation, we recognize the power of dreams and emphasize the importance of executing a detailed plan to bring you to your goals.” —MICHAEL PHELPS, winner of twenty-two Olympic medals and founder of the Michael Phelps Foundation “I wish I I would have had this book as a teenager." —SHANNON HALE, author of Newbery Honor-winning Princess Academy and The Goose Girl "Life is such a precious and beautiful thing that so many people take for granted. From a very young age, my son was able to leave a tremendous legacy and impact the lives of so many people forever. In his short life he faced and overcame great difficulties and did so with an exceptionally positive spirit. He showed so many of the habits taught in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. Had my son had the chance to grow up, I know this book would have been a great guide and would have given him the tools he needed to find his way through life. If you're lucky enough to grow up, make mistakes and learn from them, it's truly a gift to have someone like Sean on this book." —MAYA THOMPSON, Founder of the Ronan Thompson Foundation "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens give you new insights into the importance of strong success. It teaches the importance of setting goals and sticking to them in order to achieve your dreams.” — PICABO STREET, National Ski Hall of Fame, Olympic Champion and Former US Ski Team Member “What? Sean Covey wrote a book? You're kidding me!" - Sean's high school English teacher
"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens is a touchdown! The sooner you develop good, strong habits, the more effective your life will be. This book will help you do that.” —STEVE YOUNG, NFL Hall of Famer and Super Bowl MVP “I used one of the stories from your book in a speech I gave at leadership camp and it helped me get to governor to be elected! Thank you Sean Covey!!!” —LEISY OSWALD, 16 “The best way to make it happen in your life is to make the right choices as a teenager. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens empowers teens to see themselves as the most important force in their lives, regardless of their background or current lifestyle.” —STEDMAN GRAHAM, Chairman and CEO of S. Graham & Associates, Founder of Athletes Against Drugs, Author of New York Times bestsellers You Can Make it Happen and Identity: Your Passport to Success “It's important for a professional athlete to win basketball games—but winning the game of life is even more important. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens provides a game plan for teens to become team players with their teammates in life, their families and friends. It presents strategies for becoming a better all-rounder and improving individual skills.” —SHERYL SWOOPES, head coach, Loyola University women's basketball team, four-time WNBA champion, three-time MVP champion, NCAA champion, and three-time Olympic champion “The teenagers of today are the future leaders of our families, communities and our country. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens teach them the value of hard work, goal setting and goal achievement, and taking responsibility and initiative, all of which are traits of effective leaders.” —MICHAEL O. LEAVITT, Former US Secretary of Health and Human Services “I have family, school activities , friends and after-school commitments. Reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens helped me become a more organized person. I used many of the cartoons to help memorize stories and examples.” —JOY DENEWELLIS, 18 “Stephen Covey has every right to be proud of his son Sean, who took his father's lessons well. Those looking to avoid the temptations and devastation of drugs, including alcohol, should adopt the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. Written for teenagers, this book is an indispensable tool in helping young people make the right decisions as they grow up in today's chaos. I wish there was a book like this for those of us who grew up in the 1960's.” — CANDACE LIGHTNER, President of We Save Lives and Founder of Mothers Against Drunk Driving
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MAMA FOR ALL LOVE, LULLAS AND LATE NIGHT TALKS
What's inside Introduction
Part I - The Setup Get in the habit of making or breaking the habit
Paradigmen und Prinzipien What you see is what you get
Part II - The Private Victory The personal bank account, beginning with the man in the mirror
Habit 1 - Be Proactive I am the Force
Habit 2 - Start with the end in mind Control your own destiny or someone else's
Habit 3 – Putting the most important things first will and will not power
Part III - The Public Victory The Relationship Bank Account The stuff of life
Habit 4 - Think win-win life is an all-you-can-eat buffet
Habit 5 – Understand before being understood You have two ears and one mouth. . . Hello!
Habit 6 - Synergize the "high" way
Part IV - Renewal
Habit 7 – Sharpen the Saw It's "Me Time"
Halte die Hofnung am Leben! Kid, You'll Move Mountains Book Study Guide Thank Yous Info Central Great Books for Teens About Sean Covey Bibliography Index
Who am I? I am your constant companion. I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden. I will push you or drag you down to failure. I am entirely under your command. Half the things you do may as well be left to me, and I shall be able to do them quickly and properly. I'm easy to deal with - you just have to be firm with me. Show me exactly how to get something done and after a few lessons I'll do it automatically. I am the servant of all great personalities and unfortunately also of all failures. I made great those who are great. I have failed those who are failures. I am not a machine, although I work with the precision of a machine and the intelligence of a human. You can lead me profitably or ruinously - it makes no difference to me. Take me, raise me, be firm with me, and I will lay the world at your feet. Take it easy with me and I'll destroy you.
Who am I?
i am habit
INTRODUCTION The world has totally changed since I wrote the first version of this book. Back then there was neither Facebook nor Twitter. There were no smartphones. There was no DIRECTV or Netflix. How boring! Despite all these changes, some things haven't changed. The selection has not changed. We are still free to choose what to do with our lives. The meaning of relationships has not changed. Relationships are still the most important thing. And principles - like responsibility, vision, teamwork, service and renewal - have not changed. They still rule. That's why the 7 Habits will never go out of style because they are based on timeless principles that endure. The crazier the world gets, the more important the 7 habits become. It will always be necessary to be proactive and take initiative. It will always be necessary to first try to understand another person before trying to be understood. The 7 habits are going nowhere. Over the past few years, I have received thousands of emails and letters from teenage readers around the world, sharing their struggles and successes. As I read these, I picked up on three recurring themes. First, everyone has problems with relationships—with boyfriends, boyfriends and girlfriends, moms and dads, aunts and uncles, you name it. So if you're having relationship troubles, you're not alone. Welcome to the club. Second, practically every teenager who has written to me wants to change and get better. They want to stop using drugs, or get better at school, or lose weight, or break out of the depression they're in, or whatever. If you're like them, you want to get better. Third, the 7 Habits really work. Remarkably good! Among other things, they help you overcome setbacks, build friendships, make wiser decisions about dating and sex, do better at school, take charge of your life, build self-esteem and, believe it or not to even get along with you parents. A young girl wrote to me about how learning Habit 1, Be Proactive, changed her life: I've been through a lot in the past six months. The love of my life broke my heart and refused to speak to me. From then on he started a friendship with my best friend. My parents went back and forth on divorce decisions. My brother took drugs. My life was just starting to fall apart. Then my mom bought this 7 Habits book and it really changed the way I think. The part that stood out was when the book said no one can ever make you angry and/or ruin your day unless you let them. I used to make my whole day dependent on whether a certain person spoke to me or something happened or something. I don't care now. When something bad happens, I still smile through it. And when HE doesn't greet me, I say hello to someone hotter and make my own day. It's so much easier to create your own day than to let someone else do it. All my friends have noticed a difference. I'm actually smiling and happy for once. I know that you have to deal with many hard things in life. You have bad hair days. People say mean things. parents are getting divorced. people you love die Accidents happen. In the larger world, you must contend with terrorism, wars, AIDS, cancer, global competition, cyberbullying, drugs, pornography, and trans fats.
All in all, I believe that if you could choose any time period in the world's existence to live in, you couldn't find a better time than now. Truly, today is the best time in history to be born! It's a far better life than what the Egyptians or Romans or Aztecs or the people of the Ming dynasty ever experienced. Think about it. There is more freedom, information, prosperity and opportunity for more people today than ever before. Look at information and technology. The world is at your fingertips through the Internet. They have hundreds of TV channels and radio stations. If you want to learn about Greek mythology, you don't have to go to a library or find an expert like your parents did when you were your age, you google it! If you want to learn how to play the guitar, bake a cheesecake, or even fly a helicopter (not that I'm suggesting that), search YouTube and there you have it! With your smartphone, you can check the seven-day weather forecast for Jakarta, take high-resolution photos of your dog, or view a map of every single street in the civilized world. Imagine! And it's not slowing down. Moore's law states that the computing power of the microchip doubles every 18 months. I can't wait for my hover car! The speed of change is also accelerating. For example, India and China influence everything. Companies like Amazon and Facebook spring up almost overnight and become global powerhouses. Opportunities are everywhere. Who would have thought that a twenty-eight-year-old programmer named Pierre Omidyar would become a billionaire almost overnight by writing code for a company called eBay that matches buyers and sellers on the Internet? Yes, despite the challenges of our time, it's a great time to be alive. We can do so much good. There are so many people we can help. As one wise leader put it, “This is a great time to live. It's a time when our influence can be ten times greater than in calmer times.” Also, I hope you'll never forget what Uncle Ben said about Spider-Man. "With great power comes great responsibility." No, you're not Spider-Man or Katniss Everdeen. But you have great freedom and opportunity, more than any generation that has ever lived, and with that comes great responsibility. So enjoy this new installment of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, updated for the internet age. You'll love the new language, stories and anecdotes scattered throughout the book. I wish you all the best as you build a future so bright you have to wear sunglasses. – Sean Covey
Get used to the habit they make or break for you
Paradigmen und Prinzipien What you see is what you get
Make it a habit, YOU MAKE IT OR BREAK IT
Welcome! My name is Sean and I wrote this book. I don't know how you came up with that. Maybe your mother gave it to you to shape you. Or maybe you bought it with your own money because the title caught your eye. Regardless of how it ended up in your hands, I'm really glad it did. Now all you have to do is read it. We make our habits first, then our habits make us. ENGLISH POET
A lot of teenagers read books, but I wasn't one of them. (I've read several book summaries, though.) So if you're anything like me, you might be willing to put this book on the back burner. But before you do that, hear me out. If you promise to keep reading, I promise to make it an adventure. To have fun, I've filled it with cartoons, clever ideas, great quotes, and powerful stories about real-life teenagers from around the world. . . along with some other surprises. So, on that note, will you try? Okay? Okay! So let's dive in. This book is based on another book my father, Stephen R. Covey, wrote several years ago called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Surprisingly, this book has become one of the best-selling books of all time. However, he owes much of his success to me and my brothers and sisters. Look, we were his guinea pigs. He tried all of his psycho experiments on us and that's why my brothers and sisters have big emotional problems (just kidding, siblings). Luckily I escaped unhurt.
Why did I write this book? I wrote it because teenage life is not a playground. It's a jungle out there. And if I've done my job right, this book can be like a compass to help you navigate it. Unlike my father's book, which was written for old people (and can get really boring at times), this book was written specifically for teenagers and is always interesting. Even though I'm a retired teenager, I still remember what it was like to be one. I could have sworn I was on a roller coaster of emotions most of the time. Looking back, I'm really amazed that I survived. Hardly. I will never forget the time in seventh grade when I fell in love with a girl named Nicole. I told my friend Clar to tell her I like her (I was too scared to speak directly to girls so I used messengers). Clar completed his mission and returned and reported. "Hey Sean, I told Nicole you liked her." "What did she say!?" I asked impatiently. "She said, 'Ohh, Sean? He's fat!' ” Clar laughed. I was devastated. I wish I could hide in my room and never come out. I swore to myself that I would hate girls for the rest of my life. Luckily my hormones took over and I started liking girls again. I interviewed many teenagers in the making of this book. I suspect some of the struggles you shared with me will also be familiar to you: “There is too much to do and not enough time. I have school, homework, job, friends, parties and family on top of everything else. I'm totally stressed. Help!" "How can I feel good when I'm not a match? Everywhere I look, I'm reminded that someone else is smarter, prettier, or more popular. I can't help but think, 'If only I could see their hair , her clothes, her personality, her boyfriend, I would be happy.' "If only I could get rid of my parents, maybe I could live my life. They seem to be constantly nagging, and I can never seem to satisfy them." "I'm into everything - drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever. But when I'm with my friends, I give in and just do what everyone else is doing." is my 5th this year. I really want to change but I just don't have the discipline to stick with it. Every time I start a new diet I have hope. But it usually only takes a short time before I blow it "I'm not doing well at school right now. If I don't get my grades, I'll never get into college." ." "I feel like my life is out of control."
These issues are real, and you can't turn off real life. I won't say you can. Instead, I give you a set of tools to help you deal with real life. What are you? The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, or in other words, the 7 traits shared by happy and successful teens around the world. By now you're probably wondering what those habits are, so I might as well end the suspense. Here they are, followed by a brief explanation: Habit 1:
Be proactive Take responsibility for your life.
Start with the end in mind Define your mission and goals in life.
One after the other
Set priorities and do the most important things first. Habit 4:
Win-Win Thinking Have an “everyone-can-win” attitude.
First try to understand, then to be understood. Listen to people sincerely.
Synergize Work together to achieve more.
Sharpen the saw Renew yourself regularly.
As the diagram above shows, the habits build on each other. Habits 1, 2, and 3 deal with self-control. We call it the “private victory”. Habits 4, 5, and 6 deal with relationships and teamwork. We call it the “public victory”. To be a good team player, you have to put together your personal appearance. That is why private victory comes before public victory. The last habit, habit 7, is the habit of renewal. It feeds all the other six habits. The habits seem pretty easy, don't they? But just wait until you see how powerful they are
may be! A good way to understand what the 7 habits are is to understand what they are not. So here are the opposites, or: The 7 Habits of Highly Defective Teens Habit 1: Responding Blame all your problems on your parents, your stupid teachers, your lousy neighborhood, your boyfriend or girlfriend, the government, or anything else. be a victim. Don't take responsibility for your life. If you're hungry, eat. If you're bored, make trouble. If someone yells at you, yell back. If you feel like doing something you know is wrong, do it. Habit 2: Start with no end in mind Don't have a plan. Avoid targets at all costs. And never think about tomorrow. Why worry about the consequences of your actions? Live for the moment. Sleep tight, get ready and keep partying because tomorrow you're going to die. Habit 3: Do the important thing last Whatever is most important in your life, don't do it until you've spent enough time watching videos of cute animals on YouTube, texting endlessly and hanging around. Always put off studying until tomorrow. Make sure fun things come before important things. Habit 4: Think win-lose See life as a vicious competition. If you want to be at the top of the popularity list, you better dump someone else first. Don't let others achieve because remember, if they win, you lose. However, if it looks like you're going to lose, make sure you drag that sucker down with you. Habit 5: Talk first, then pretend to listen You were born with a mouth, so use it. Talk alot. Always express your side of the story first. Once everyone gets your point of view, pretend to listen to them by nodding and saying "uh-huh" while you think about what's for lunch. Or, if you really want their opinion, give it to them. Habit 6: Don't cooperate Let's face it, other people are weird because they are different from you. So why try to get along with them? Teamwork is for the dogs. Since you always have the best ideas, you better do everything yourself. Be your own island. Habit 7: Tire yourself. Be so busy with life that you never take the time to renew or improve. Never study. Learn nothing new. Avoid exercise like the plague. And for heaven's sake stay away from good books, nature, or anything else that might inspire you.
As you can see, the habits listed above are recipes for disaster. Yet many of us indulge in them. . . regularly (including me). And given that, it's no wonder life can get really stinky at times.
• WHAT EXACTLY ARE HABITS? Habits are things we do over and over again. But most of the time we are hardly aware that we even have them. You are on autopilot. Some habits are good, such as: • Exercising regularly • Planning ahead • Showing respect for others Some are bad, including: • Thinking negatively • Feeling inferior • Blaming others And some don't really matter, like: • Instead instead shower before bed in the morning • Cover every meal with hot sauce • Listen to music while working out Depending on what they are, our habits will either make or break us. We become what we repeatedly do. As the writer Samuel Smiles put it: sow a thought and you reap an action; Sow an act and you reap a habit; Sow a habit and you reap a character;
Sow a character and you reap a destiny. Luckily you are stronger than your habits. You can change them. For example, try crossing your arms. Now fold them in reverse. Feels pretty strange, doesn't it? But if you folded them the opposite way for thirty days in a row, it wouldn't feel so weird. You wouldn't even have to think about it. You would get used to it. You can always look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Hey, I don't like that about me," and you can trade a bad habit for a better one. It may not always be easy, but it is always possible. Maybe not every idea in this book will work for you. But you don't have to be perfect to see results either. Living just a few of the habits can help you experience changes in your life that you never thought possible.
The 7 Habits can help you: • Take control of your life • Improve your relationships with your friends • Make smarter decisions • Get along with your parents • Overcome addictions and self-destructive habits • Define your values and what matters most to you • get more done in less time • boost self-confidence • be happy • find balance between school, work, friends, dating and everything else One last point. It's your book, so use it. Get out a pen or highlighter and mark it. Don't be afraid to underline, circle or bookmark your favorite ideas. Make notes in the margin. Scribble. Reread the stories that inspire you and remember the quotes that give you hope. Try taking the “little steps” at the end of each chapter to help you start living the habit right away. You'll get a lot more out of the book if you do this. You can also visit the hotlines and websites listed at the end of the book for additional help or information. If you're the kind of reader who likes to hop around and look for cartoons and tidbits, that's fine. But at some point you should read the book from start to finish because the 7 Habits are sequential. Each chapter builds on the last. Habit 1 comes before Habit 2 (and so on) for a reason. So what are you saying? Make my day and read this book!
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS Next, we'll take a look at ten of the dumbest statements ever made. You don't want to miss them. So read on!
Paradigms and Principles WHAT YOU SEE, YOU GET
The following is a list of statements made by experts in their field many years ago. At the time they were said, they sounded intelligent. Over time, they sound idiotic.
Better keep yourself clean and bright; You are the window through which you see the whole world. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW English playwright
Top 10 Stupid Quotes Of All Time:
10 “There is no reason for anyone to have a computer in their home.” KENNETH OLSEN, PRESIDENT AND FOUNDER OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT CORPORATION, IN 1977
9 “Airplanes are interesting toys, but they have no military value.” MARSHALL FERDINAND FOCH, FRENCH MILITARY STRATEGIST AND FUTURE COMMANDER IN WWI, IN 1911
8 “[Man will never reach the moon], notwithstanding all future scientific advances.” DR. LEE DE FOREST, INVENTOR OF HEARING TACKS AND FATHER OF RADIO, ON FEBRUARY 25, 1967
7 “[Television] will not be able to hold onto any market it conquers after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” DARRYL F. ZANUCK, LEADER OF 20TH CENTURY - FOX, IN 1946
6 “We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on their way out.” DECCA RECORDS REFUSED TO THE BEATLES IN 1962
5 "For the majority of people, the use of tobacco has beneficial effects." DR. IAN G. MACDONALD, LOS ANGELES SURGERY, AS QUOTE IN THE NEWSWEEK NOVEMBER 18, 1969
4 “This 'telephone' has too many flaws to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is worthless to us in itself.” WESTERN UNION INTERNAL MEMO, 1876
3 “The earth is the center of the universe.” PTOLMY, THE GREAT EGYPTIAN Astronomer, SECOND CENTURY
2 “Nothing important happened today.” WRITTEN BY KING GEORGE III. FROM ENGLAND ON JULY 4, 1776
"Spam will be gone in two years." BILL GATES, WORLD BUSINESS FORUM, 2004
After reading these I want to give you another list of testimonies from real teenagers like you. You've heard them before, and they're just as ridiculous as the list above.
"Nobody in my family ever went to college. "It's no use, there's no point. My stepdad and I will never get along. We're just too different." "Being smart is a 'white' thing." "My teacher is after me." "She's so pretty - I bet she's a diva." "You can't get ahead in life if you don't know the right people." "Me? Slim? Are you kidding? My whole family is full of fat people.” “It's impossible to get a good job here because nobody wants to hire a teenager.”
So what is a paradigm? What do these two lists of statements have in common? First, these are all perceptions of how things are, not facts. Second, these perceptions are all inaccurate or incomplete - even though the people who said them are convinced they are true. Another word for perceptions is paradigms [pair-a-dimes]. A paradigm is the way you see something; it is your point of view, your frame of reference or your belief. Sometimes our paradigms are way off the mark, creating limitations. For example, you may be convinced that you don't have what it takes to go to college. But remember, Ptolemy was just as convinced that the earth was the center of the universe. And think of the teenager who thinks he can't get along with his stepdad. If that's her paradigm, is she likely to ever get along with it? Probably not, because that belief will keep them from actually trying. Paradigms are like glasses. Having incomplete paradigms about yourself or life in general is like wearing the wrong prescription glasses. This lens affects how you see
everything else. As a result, what you see is what you get. If you believe you are stupid, that belief will make you stupid. Or, if you think your little sister is stupid, look for evidence to support your belief, find her, and she will remain stupid in your eyes. On the other hand, if you believe that you are smart, that belief will cast a rosy tint on everything you do.
A teenager named Kristi once told me how much she loved the beauty of the mountains. One day she visited her eye doctor and to her surprise found that her eyesight was much worse than she had thought. After putting in her new contact lenses, she was amazed at how well she could see. As she put it, “I realized that the mountains and trees and even the roadside signs are more detailed than I ever imagined. It was the strangest thing. I didn't know how bad my eyes were until I saw how good they can be.” That's often the case. We don't know how much we're missing out on because we have screwed up paradigms. We have paradigms about ourselves, about other people, and about life in general. Let's take a look at each one.
• PARADIGMS OF SELF Stop now and ponder this question: Do your paradigms of yourself help or hinder you? When my wife, Rebecca, was a student at Madison High School in Idaho, a Miss Madison entry form was passed around the class. Rebecca signed up along with many other girls. Linda, sitting next to Rebecca, passed without signing. "Sign in, Linda," Rebecca insisted. "Oh no. I couldn't." It'll be fun." "Not really. I'm not the type." "Sure you are. I think you'd be great!" Rebecca chimed in. Rebecca and others continued to encourage Linda until she finally signed. Rebecca thought nothing of it at the time. Seven years later, however, she received it a letter from Linda describing the inner struggle she went through that day and thanking Rebecca for being the spark that helped her change her life, Linda shared how she was in high school suffered from poor self-image and was shocked that Rebecca would consider her as a candidate for a talent contest.She had finally agreed to sign up, only to take Rebecca and the others off her back.Linda said she felt that way uncomfortable attending the pageant that she contacted the pageant the next day and requested that her name be removed from the list.
like Rebecca, the director insisted that Linda attend. She reluctantly agreed. But that was all it took. Linda noted that while she hadn't won a single title or award, she had overcome an even greater obstacle: her low self-awareness. The following year, Linda became head girl and, as Rebecca says, developed a lively and outgoing personality. Linda experienced a so-called "paradigm shift". By daring to attend an event that demanded her best, Linda began to see herself in a new light. In her letter, Linda thanked Rebecca from the bottom of her heart for essentially taking off her bent glasses, smashing them on the floor and insisting she try on new ones.
Just as negative self-paradigms can limit us, positive self-paradigms can bring out the best in us, like the following story about King Louis XVI's son. of France shows: King Louis was deposed from his throne and imprisoned. His little son, the prince, was taken by those who dethroned the king. They thought that since the king's son was the heir to the throne, if they could destroy him morally, he would never realize the great and great destiny that life bestowed upon him. They took him to a distant community and there exposed the boy to all the filthy and vile things life had to offer. They exposed him to foods whose abundance would quickly make him a slave to his appetite. They constantly used vile words around him. They exposed him to lewd and lustful women. They exposed him to shame and distrust. He was surrounded twenty-four hours a day by anything that could draw a man's soul as deep as you could slide. He had this treatment for over six months - but not once did the young lad give in under pressure. Finally, after intense temptation, they questioned him. Why hadn't he submitted to these things - why hadn't he participated? These things would give pleasure, satisfy his desires, and be desirable; they were all his. The boy said, "I cannot do what you ask, I was born to be a king."
Prince Louis held this paradigm of himself so firmly that nothing could shake him. If you go through life with glasses that say, "I can do this" or "I matter," that belief will influence everything else in a positive way. At this point, you may be asking yourself, "If my paradigm of myself is completely distorted, what can I do to fix it?" One way is to spend time with someone who already believes in you and is building you up. My mother was such a person to me. Growing up, my mother always believed in me, especially when I was doubting myself. She would say things like "Sean, of course you should run for class president" and "Ask her out. I'm sure she would just die to date you.” Whenever I needed validation, I spoke to my mom and she wiped all negativity from my glasses. Ask any successful person and most will tell you that they had someone who believed in them. . . a teacher, a friend, a parent, a guardian, a sibling, a grandparent. It only takes one person and it doesn't matter who it is. Don't be afraid to lean on that person and let that person feed you. Go to them for advice. See yourself as they see you. Oh what a difference a new pair of glasses can make! As someone once said, "If you could imagine what God intended for you, you would stand up and never be the same again." Sometimes you may have no one to lean on - and you may have to walk alone. If this is the case for you, pay special attention to the next chapter, which provides you with some handy tools to help you build your self-image.
• Paradigms of other people We have paradigms not only about ourselves but also about other people. And they can also become unbalanced. Seeing things from a different perspective can help us understand why other people act the way they do. Becky told me about her paradigm shift: When I was a junior in high school, I had a friend named Kim. She was basically a nice person, but as the year went on she became more and more difficult to get along with. She was easily offended and often felt left out. She was moody and difficult to be around. It got to the point where my friends and I started calling her less and less. Eventually we stopped inviting her to anything.
After that year I was gone for a good part of the summer and when I got back I spoke to a good friend of mine to catch up on all the news. She was telling me about all the gossip, the different romances, who was with whom and so on, when all of a sudden she said, "Oh! Did I tell you about Kim? She's been having a tough time lately because her parents are going through a really messy divorce. She's taking it really hard.” Hearing that changed my whole perspective. Instead of getting angry at Kim's behavior, I felt terrible about my own. I felt like I had let her down in her need. Just knowing that one little piece of information changed my whole attitude towards her. It really was an aha experience.
And to think that all it took to change Becky's paradigm was a whiff of new information. Too often we judge people without knowing all the facts. Monica has had a similar experience: I used to live in California where I had a lot of good friends. I didn't care about anyone because I already had my friends and I figured new people should deal with it in their own way. Then when I moved I was the new kid and wished someone would take care of me and make me a part of their friend group. I see things very differently now. I know how it feels to have no friends.
Seeing things from a different perspective can radically change our attitude towards others. I bet Monica will never treat new kids in the neighborhood like that ever again. FRANK & ERNEST® by Bob Thaves
The following anecdote from Reader's Digest (contributed by Dan P. Greyling) is a classic example of a paradigm shift: A friend of mine returning to South Africa from a long stay in Europe found herself at London's Heathrow Airport. She bought a cup of coffee and a small packet of biscuits and, laden with luggage, stumbled to an unoccupied table. She was reading the morning paper when she noticed someone rustling at her table. She was amazed to see a neatly dressed young man behind her newspaper, helping himself to her biscuits. Not wanting to make a scene, she leaned over and took a biscuit herself. About a minute passed. More noise. He helped himself to another biscuit. When they finished the last cookie in the pack, she was very angry but still couldn't bring herself to say anything. Then the young man broke the biscuit in half, pushed half over to her, ate the other half and left. Some time later, when the public address system asked her to show her ticket, she was still angry. Imagine her embarrassment as she opened her purse and was confronted with her packet of cookies. She had eaten his.
Consider this lady's feelings towards the neatly dressed young man before the turn of events: "What a rude, overbearing young man." Imagine her feelings after: "How embarrassing!? How kind of him to share his last cookie with me!” So what's the point? It's just that, often our paradigms are incomplete, inaccurate, or somehow muddled. We shouldn't be so quick to judge, label, or form rigid opinions about others—or ourselves, for that matter. From a limited perspective, it's difficult to see the whole picture or have all the facts. In addition, we should open our minds and hearts to new information, ideas and points of view. We should be ready to change our paradigms when it becomes clear that they are
not correct. Is it obvious that if you want to make big changes in your life, you should change your lens? Everything else will follow. If you really think about it, you'll see that most of your problems (with relationships, self-image, attitude) are the result of a messed-up paradigm or two. For example, if you have a bad relationship with your father, chances are you both have a distorted paradigm of each other. You may think he's being tough or putting too much pressure on you; he may see you as a spoiled, ungrateful brat. In reality, both of your paradigms are likely incomplete and preventing you from truly communicating with each other. As you will see, this book will challenge many of your paradigms and hopefully help you create more accurate and complete paradigms. So get ready
• Paradigms of Life Not only do we have paradigms about ourselves and others, we also have paradigms about the world in general. Usually, you can identify your paradigm by asking yourself a few questions: “What is the driving force behind my life?” “What am I thinking about?” “Who or what are my obsessions?” What matters most to you becomes yours paradigm, your glasses or, as I like to call it, the center of your life. Some of the most popular teen life centers are Friends, Stuff, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, School, Parents, Sports/Hobbies, Heroes, Enemies, Self, and Work. Of course, they all have their good points, but they are all incomplete in one way or another, and as I'm going to show you in a moment, if you live your life around them, they will confuse you. Luckily, there is a center you can always count on. We'll save it for last. Friends-oriented There's nothing like being part of a great group of friends, and nothing worse than feeling like an outcast. Friends are important but should never become your focal point. Why? Well, occasionally they are fickle. Sometimes they are fake. Sometimes they talk behind your back or develop new friendships and forget yours. You have mood swings. They move. Additionally, if you base your identity on being accepted, being popular, or having the most friends on Facebook, you might find yourself compromising your standards or changing them every weekend to accommodate your friends. Believe it or not, there will come a day when friends won't be the most important thing in your life. In high school I had a great group of friends. We've done everything together — swam in irrigation canals, gorged on all-you-can-eat buffets, snowmobiled all night, dated each other's girlfriends. . . They call it. I loved these guys. I thought we would be close forever. Since high school, however, I've been shocked at how seldom we see each other. Now, years later, we live far apart and new relationships, jobs and families are taking up our time. As a teenager, I could never have fathomed that.
Make as many friends as possible, but don't base your life on them. It's an unstable foundation. People will change, you will change. Cloth-Centered Sometimes we see the world through the lens of possessions or "things." We live in a material world that teaches us that "he who dies with the most toys wins". We have the feeling that we must have the fastest car, the nicest clothes, the latest smartphone, the best hairstyle and many other things that seem to make us happy. Possessions also come in the form of titles and achievements, such as B. – Chief Cheerleader, Star of the Play, Top of the Class, Student Union Chairperson, Editor-in-Chief, or MVP. There's nothing wrong with being successful and enjoying our stuff, but things should never become the focus of our lives. In the end they have no lasting value. Our trust must come from within, not from without. By the quality of our hearts, not the quantity of things we own. Eventually, the one with the most toys dies. . . still dies. I knew a girl who had the most beautiful and expensive wardrobe I had ever seen. She never wore the same outfit twice. After getting to know her better, I noticed that she had a bad case of elevator eyes. It seemed that whenever she spoke to another girl, she eyed them from head to toe to see if her outfit was as beautiful as her own, which usually gave her a superiority complex. Her confidence depended on owning stuff. It didn't come from her own personality, cleverness, or kindness. It was a real turn off for me. I once read a saying that says it better than I could: "If what I am is what I have, and what I have is lost, then who am I?" Girlfriend-centric This is perhaps the easiest trap to fall into. I mean, who hasn't focused on a crush or a boyfriend or girlfriend? Let's imagine Brady revolving his life around his girlfriend Tasha. Now look at the instability it creates in Brady. TASHA'S ACTIONS
makes a thoughtless comment:
"My day is ruined."
Conversations with Brady's Best Friend:
"Are they flirting? They both betray me.”
"I think we should date 'other people':
"My life is over. You never loved me."
The ironic thing is, the more you focus your life on someone, the less attractive you become to that person. How is that? Well, first of all, once you focus on someone, you're not hard to get anymore. Second, it's irritating when someone builds their entire emotional life around you. Since their security comes from you and not from themselves, they always have to have those obnoxious "Where do we stand?" conversations (shudder).
If I am what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I? ANONYMOUS
When I first started dating my wife, one of the things that attracted me the most was that she didn't center her life around me. I will never forget how she turned me down (with a smile and no apologies) for a very important date. I loved it! She was her own person and had her own inner strength. Her moods were independent of mine. Believe me, you'll be a better boyfriend or girlfriend if you're not totally obsessed with your partner. This also applies to a boyfriend or girlfriend. Making your crush the center of your life can sometimes seem desperate or needy. Independence is much more attractive than dependency. Also, focusing your life on someone else doesn't show that you love them, just that you depend on them. You can usually tell when a couple is focused on each other because they break up forever and get back together. Although their relationship has ended, their emotional lives and identities are so intertwined that they can't let go of each other.
Have as many girlfriends or boyfriends as you want, but don't make them your center because while there are exceptions, romantic teenage relationships are usually as stable as a yo-yo. School Centered Among teenagers, it's more common to center their life around school than you might think. Lisa from Canada regrets being school centered for so long: I was so ambitious and so school centered that I didn't enjoy my youth. Not only was it unhealthy for me—it was also selfish because I only cared about myself and my accomplishments. I was already working as hard as a college student when I was in seventh grade. I wanted to be a brain surgeon simply because it was the hardest thing I could think of. All through school I got up at six o'clock every morning and didn't go to bed until two o'clock in the morning. To achieve. I felt that teachers and classmates expected it of me. You would always be surprised if I don't get perfect grades. My parents tried to lighten me up, but my own expectations were just as high as those of teachers and classmates. I now realize that I could have achieved what I wanted without trying so hard, and I could have had a good time doing it.
Our education is vital to our future and should be a top priority. But we must be careful that ACT or SAT scores, GPAs and AP grades don't take over our lives. School-centric teenagers are often so obsessed with getting good grades that they forget that the real purpose of school is to learn. You can do very well in school and still maintain a healthy balance in life. Thank God our worth isn't measured by our GPA. Parent-Centered Your parents may be your greatest source of love and guidance, and you should respect and honor them, but living to please them can become a real nightmare. (Don't tell your parents I said that or they might take your book away from you...just kidding.) Read
what happened to this young girl from Louisiana: I worked so hard all semester. All I knew was that my parents would be happy - six A's and a B+. But all I could see in her eyes was disappointment. They just wanted to know why the B+ wasn't an A. I just couldn't cry. What did they want from me? This was my sophomore year of high school, and I spent the next two years making my parents proud of me. I played basketball and hoped they would be proud - they never came to see me play. I made the roll of honor every semester—but after a while, straight A's were expected. I wanted to go to college to be a teacher, but there was no money for it and my parents thought I should study something else, so I did. Every decision I made was preceded by questions: What would mom and dad want me to do? Would you be proud? would you love me But no matter what I did, it was never good enough. I had focused my entire life on the goals and aspirations that my parents thought were good, and that didn't make me happy. I felt out of control. I felt worthless, useless and unimportant.
At some point I realized that my parents' approval wasn't going to come, and if I didn't pull myself together, I would be destroying myself. I had to find a center that was timeless, unchanging, and real - a center that couldn't scream, disapprove, or criticize. So I started living my own life according to the principles that I thought would bring me happiness - like honesty (with myself and my parents), belief in a happier life, hope for the future, and belief in my own goodness. At first I had to pretend I was strong, but over time I became strong. Eventually I started my own business and fell out with my people, but they saw me for who I was and they loved me. They apologized for all the pressure they were putting on me and expressed their love. I was eighteen years old before I could remember my dad saying "I love you," but they were the sweetest words I've ever heard and it was worth the wait. I still care what my parents think and I'm still influenced by their opinions, but ultimately I've become responsible for my life and my actions, and I try to please myself before everyone else.
Other possible centers The list of possible centers could be continued indefinitely. Being sports or hobby centric is a big deal. How many times have we seen a sports-loving athlete build their identity around being a great athlete, only to suffer a career-ending injury? It happens all the time. And the poor boy has to rebuild his life from scratch. The same goes for all hobbies and interests - dancing, debating,
Drama, music or clubs. And what about hero-centricity? If you build your life around a rock star, famous athlete, entrepreneur, or powerful politician, what happens if they die, do something really stupid, or end up in jail? Then who will you look up to? Sometimes we can even become hostile and build our lives around hating a group, person, or idea. There are countless websites dedicated to hating specific topics or celebrities. What a waste of time! Why not put that energy into something that makes you happy? Work-centricity is a disease that usually affects older people but can also reach teenagers. Workaholism is usually fueled by a compulsive need to have more things, like money, cars, status, or recognition, that can never be fully satisfied - because there's always a new iPhone model coming out to eclipse your old one! Another common center is being self-centered or thinking that the world revolves around you and your problems. This often causes you to worry so much about your own condition that you no longer notice the wounded walking around. As you can see, all of these life centers and many more do not provide the stability that you and I need in life. I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to excel at something like dancing or debating, or strive to develop rich relationships with our friends and parents. We should. But there is a fine line between being passionate about something and living out of it. And that's the line we shouldn't cross. Principle Centered - The Real In case you're wondering, there is a center that actually works. What is it? (Drum roll, please.) It's principle-centered. We all know the effects of gravity. Throw a ball up and it comes down. It is a natural law or principle. Just as there are principles that govern the physical world, there are principles that govern the human world. Principles are not religious. They are not based on nationality or race. They are not mine or yours. They are not up for discussion. They apply to everyone equally, whether man or woman, rich or poor, famous or obscure. They cannot be bought or sold. If you live by them, you will excel. If you break them, you will fail (hey, that kind of rhymes). It's that simple. Here are a few examples: Honesty is a principle. Service is a principle. Love is a principle. Hard work is a principle. Respect, gratitude, moderation, fairness, integrity, loyalty and responsibility are principles. There are dozens and dozens more. They are not difficult to identify. Just as a compass always points north, your heart will recognize true principles. For example, consider the principle of hard work. You may be able to scrape using shortcuts and fake it for a while, but eventually it will catch up to you.
I remember once being invited to play in a golf tournament with my college football coach. He was a great golfer. Everyone, including my coach, expected me to be a good golfer too. After all, I was a collegiate athlete and all collegiate athletes should be great golfers. Right? Not correct. Look, I stunk playing golf. I had only played a handful of times in my life and didn't even know how to hold a racquet properly. I was nervous because everyone was finding out how bad I was at golf. Especially my coach. So I hoped I could make him and everyone else think I was good. A small crowd had gathered at the first hole. I was the first to tee off. Why me? As I showed up to hit the ball, I prayed for a miracle. Swooooosssssshhhhh. It worked! A wonder! I could not believe it! I hit a long shot right in the middle of the fairway. I turned and smiled at the crowd and pretended I always hit like that. "Thank you." I had fooled them all. But I was only wrong because there were still 171/2 holes to play. In fact, it only took everyone around me, including my trainer, about five more shots to realize I was a complete golfer. It wasn't long before the trainer tried to show me how to swing the racquet. I had been exposed. Ouch! You can't pretend to play golf, tune a guitar, or speak Arabic unless you've paid the price to become good. There's no way around it. Hard work is a principle. As great NBA star Larry Bird put it, "If you don't do your homework, you won't take your free throws."
Principles Never Fail It takes faith to live by principles, especially when you see people close to you getting ahead in life by lying, cheating, giving in, manipulating and only serving yourself. However, what you don't see is that breaking principles always catches up with them in the end. Take the principle of honesty. If you're a big liar, you might be able to get by for a while, even for a few years. But you will have a hard time finding a liar who is successful in the long run. As Cecil B. DeMille remarked on his classic film The Ten Commandments, “It is impossible for us to break the law. We can only break the law.” Unlike any other center we've looked at, the Principles will never let you down. They will never gossip behind your back. They don't move away. You don't suffer any late-career injuries. You don't play favorites based on race, gender, wealth, or looks. A principled life is simply the most stable, immovable, and unshakable foundation you can build on, and we all need one of those. To understand why principles always work, just imagine living a life based on their opposites - a life of dishonesty, laziness, indulgence, ingratitude, selfishness, and hatred. I can't imagine anything good coming out of this. Can you? Ironically, principled living is key to excelling at all other centers. For example, if you live by the principles of service, respect, and love, you are likely to make more friends and be a more stable boyfriend or girlfriend. Putting principles first is also key to becoming a person of character.
It is impossible for us to break the law. We can only break the law. CECIL B. DEMILLE, FILM DIRECTOR
Decide today to make principles your central life center or paradigm. Whatever the situation
You find yourself asking, "What principle is at play here?" For each problem, look for the principle that will help you solve it. If you're feeling exhausted and battered by life, you might want to try the principle of balance. When you find that no one trusts you, the principle of honesty might be just the remedy you need. In the story Loyalty to a Brother by Walter MacPeek, loyalty was the principle: one of two brothers fighting in the same company in France was killed by a German bullet. The one who escaped asked his officer for permission to bring his brother in. "He's probably dead," the officer said, "and there's no point in risking your life to bring in his body." But after further pleading, the officer agreed. Just as the soldier reached the lines with his brother on his shoulders, the wounded man died. "You see," said the officer, "you risked your life in vain." "No," Tom replied. "I did what he asked me to do and I have my reward. When I snuck up to him and put my arms around him, he said, 'Tom, I knew you were coming — I just had a feeling you were coming.'"
In the coming chapters you will discover that each of the 7 habits is based on one or two basic principles. And that's where they get their strength from. The long and short of it is the rule of principles.
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS Next, we're going to talk about how to get rich in ways you've probably never thought of. So keep going!
A Word About Baby Steps One of my family's favorite movies is an old classic called What About Bob? with Bill Murray. It's the story of a dysfunctional, phobic, pea-brained, immature leech named Bob who will never, ever go away. He joins Dr. Marvin, a renowned psychiatrist who wants nothing more than to get rid of Bob, and ends up giving him a book he wrote called Baby Steps. He tells Bob that the best way to solve his problems is not to bite off too much at once, but to just take "small steps" to reach his goals. Bob is excited! He no longer has to worry about how he will be treated by Dr. Marvin's office comes home, a big job for Bob. Instead, Bob just has to babystep out of the office and then babystep into the elevator, and so on. That's why at the end of each chapter, starting with this one, I give you some small steps—small, simple steps you can take right now to help you apply what you've just read. Though small, these steps can become powerful tools to help you achieve your larger goals. So, come along with Bob (he really gets very likable after you accept the fact that you can't shake him) and take a few baby steps.
The next time you look in the mirror, say something positive to yourself.
Show appreciation for someone's point of view today. Say something like, "Hey, that's a cool idea."
Think of a limiting paradigm you might have of yourself, such as B. "I will never be outgoing." Do something today that completely contradicts this paradigm.
Think of a loved one or close friend who has been acting out of character lately. Think about what might cause them to behave this way.
When you have nothing to do, what occupies your mind? Remember, whatever is most important to you becomes your paradigm or life center. What is taking up my time and energy? ..........................
The golden rule applies! Start treating others today as you would like them to treat you. Don't be impatient, don't complain about what's for dinner, or swear at someone unless you want the same treatment.
Soon find a quiet place where you can be alone. Think about what is most important to you.
Listen carefully to the lyrics of the music you listen to most often. Consider whether they align with the principles you believe in.
Try the hard work principle when doing your chores at home or working tonight. Go the extra mile and do more than expected.
The next time you find yourself in a difficult situation and don't know what to do, ask yourself, "What principles should I apply (i.e., honesty, love, loyalty, hard work, patience)?" Follow that principle and don't look return.
The private victory
The personal bank account, starting with the man in the mirror
Habit 1 - Be Proactive I am the Force
Habit 2 - Start with the end in mind Control your own destiny or someone else's
Habit 3 – Putting the most important things first will and will not power
The personal bank account STARTING WITH THE MAN IN THE MIRROR
Before you ever win in the public arenas of life, you must first win the private battles within yourself. All changes start with you. I will never forget how I learned that lesson. I start with the man in the mirror, I ask him to change his ways and no message could have been clearer, if you want to make the world a better place, look at yourself and then change. "MAN IN THE MIRROR" BY SIEDAH GARRETT AND GLEN BALLARD
"What's wrong with you? You disappoint me. Where's the Sean I once knew in high school?" Coach glared at me. "You even want to be out there?" I was shocked. "Yes, of course." "Take a break. You're just going through the moves and your heart isn't in it. You better get your act together or the younger quarterbacks will overtake you and you'll be a bench press. It was my sophomore year at Brigham Young University (BYU) during preseason football camp.Several colleges recruited me right out of high school, but I chose BYU because they had a tradition of producing all-American quarterbacks like Jim McMahon and Steve Young, both of whom are among the Pros left and led their teams to Super Bowl victories. Even though I was the third-string quarterback at the time, I had plans to be the next all-American player! When Coach told me I "stink on the field" was that a cold one, ha red slap in the face. However, what really annoyed me was that he was right. Although I spent many hours practicing, I wasn't really committed. I held back and I knew it. I had to make a tough decision - I had to either quit football or triple my commitment. Over the next few weeks, I waged a war in my head and faced many fears and self-doubts. Did I have what it takes to be a starting quarterback? Can I handle the pressure? was i big enough I quickly realized that I was scared, scared of competition, scared of being in the spotlight, scared of trying and maybe failing. And all those fears kept me from giving my all. There is a great quote from Arnold Bennett that describes what I finally chose to do to solve my dilemma. He wrote, "The real tragedy is the tragedy of the man who never in his life adjusts to his one supreme effort — he never stretches to his full capacity, never rises to his full stature." Because I never have tragedies enjoyed, I decided to prepare myself for a top performance. So I made a commitment to give it my all. I decided not to hold back anymore and to risk everything. I didn't know if I would ever get the chance to be first string, but if I didn't, I would at least hit it with a bang.
The real tragedy is the tragedy of the man who never in his life arms himself for his one supreme effort - he never stretches to his full capacity, never rises to his full stature. Arnold Bennett
No one heard me say, "I commit." There was no applause. It was just a private battle that I fought and won in my own mind over a period of several weeks. After I signed up, everything changed. I started taking risks and making big improvements on the field. My heart was in it now. I knew it and the coaches saw it. As the season started and the games rolled by, I was on the bench. Even though I was frustrated, I kept working hard and improving. Midseason marked the big game of the year. We were supposed to play nationally ranked Air Force in front of 65,000 fans on ESPN. A week before the game, Coach called me into his office and told me I would be the starting quarterback. gulp! Needless to say, this has been the longest week of my life. Game day has finally come. At kick-off my mouth was so dry I could hardly speak. But after a few minutes I calmed down and led our team to victory. I was even named ESPN Player of the Game. After that, a lot of people congratulated me on the win and on my performance. That felt good. But they didn't really get it. They didn't know the whole story. They thought that the victory had taken place on the field in the eyes of the public that day. I knew it had happened months earlier in the privacy of my own head when I decided to face my fears, stop holding back and prepare to perform at my best. Beating Air Force was a much easier challenge than overcoming myself. Private victories always come before public victories. As the saying goes, "We have met the enemy, and he is us."
• INSIDE OUT We crawl before we walk. We learn addition before algebra. We must fix ourselves before we can fix others. If you want to change something in your life, start with yourself, not your parents, teacher, girlfriend or boyfriend. All changes start with Y-O-U. Think about it. It's inside out. Not from the outside in. I am reminded of the writings of an Anglican bishop: when I was young and free and my imagination was the limit, I dreamed of changing the world; As I got older and wiser, I realized the world wasn't going to change. And I decided to shorten my view a bit and just change my country. But she too seemed motionless. As I entered my twilight years, I tried in a last ditch effort to only change my family closest to me, but unfortunately they wanted none of it. And now I'm lying here on my deathbed realizing (perhaps for the first time) that if
only I had changed myself first, then maybe by my example I had influenced my family and with their encouragement and support improved my country and who knows, maybe I would have changed the world. That's what this book is about. Change from the inside out, starting with the man or woman in the mirror. This chapter (“The Personal Bank Account”) and the following ones on Habits 1, 2, and 3 deal with you and your character or private victory. The next four chapters, "The Relationship Bank Account" and Habits 4, 5, and 6, deal with relationships or public victory. Before we dive into Habit 1, let's take a look at how you can start building your confidence right away and earning a private victory.
The Personal Bank Account How you feel is like a bank account. Let's call it your Personal Bank Account (PBA). Just like a checking or savings account at a bank, you can deposit and withdraw from your PBA by the things you think, say and do. For example, when I stick to a commitment I've made to myself, I feel like I'm in control. It's a deposit. Cha-ching. On the other hand, if I break a promise to myself, I'm disappointed and retreat.
so let me ask you How's your PBA? How much confidence and trust do you have in yourself? Are you loaded or bankrupt? The symptoms listed below can help you assess where you are. Possible Symptoms of Low PBA • You give in easily to peer pressure. • They wrestle with feelings of worthlessness and inferiority. • You are overly concerned about what others think of you. • You act arrogant to hide your insecurities.
• You self-destruct by getting heavily into drugs, pornography, vandalism, or gangs. • You get jealous easily, especially when someone close to you is successful. Possible Symptoms of Healthy PBA • You stand up for yourself and resist peer pressure. • You are not overly concerned about being popular. • You see life as a generally positive experience. • You trust yourself. • You are goal-oriented. • You rejoice in the successes of others. If your personal bank account is low, don't be discouraged. It doesn't have to be permanent. Start making small, humble deposits today – deposits of $1, $5 or $10. You will feel your confidence grow. Small deposits over a long period of time are the way to a healthy and rich PBA. With the help of various youth groups, I've compiled a list of six key deposits that can help you build your PBA. And just like Newton's law of motion, every deposit has an equal and opposite payout. PBA INSERT
Keep promises to yourself
Break personal promises
Do small gestures of kindness
Keep it to yourself
Be gentle with yourself
Expand your talents
Bury your talents
• KEEP PROMISES TO YOURSELF Have you ever had bad friends? They say they will text you back and they don't. They promise to hang out on the weekends and forget about it. After a while you stop trusting them. Your commitments mean nothing. The same thing happens when you constantly make and break promises to yourself, such as B. "I'll study right after I get home" when the next thing you know is that you're chatting with friends on Facebook. After a while of beating yourself up, you don't trust yourself anymore either. We should take the commitments we make to ourselves as seriously as the commitments we make to the most important people in our lives. When you feel out of control in life, focus on the only thing you can control - you. Make a promise to yourself and keep it. Start with small $5 commitments that you know you can fulfill, such as: B. Not drinking lemonade today. After you build some confidence, you can then make the harder $100 decisions — like deciding to break up with an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend, or deciding to break an addiction.
• DO SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS I remember reading a statement from a psychiatrist who said that when you're feeling depressed, the best thing to do is do something for someone else. Why? Because it directs you outward, not inward. It's hard to be depressed while helping someone else. Ironically, making yourself feel wonderful is a byproduct of serving others. I remember one day I was sitting in an airport waiting for my flight. I was excited because I had been promoted to first grade. And in first class, the flight attendants are nicer, the food is edible, and you can stretch your legs so they're not curled up like a pretzel. In fact, I had the best seat on the whole plane. 1A place. Before boarding, I noticed a young lady who had several carry-on bags and was holding a crying baby. Having just finished reading a book about indiscriminate acts of kindness, I heard my conscience speak to me, “You bastard. Give her your ticket.” I fought these impulses for a while, but finally gave in:
"Excuse me, but you look like you could use that first-class ticket more than I do. I know how difficult it can be to fly with children. Why don't you let me trade your tickets?” “Are you sure?” "Oh yeah. I really don't mind. I'll be working all the time anyway." "Well, thanks. That's very kind of you," she said as we exchanged tickets. As we boarded the plane, I was surprised when how good it was for me to watch her get into seat 1A. In fact, sitting way back near the bathrooms didn't seem so bad under the circumstances at all. At some point during the flight I got so curious , to see how she was I got up from my seat, went to the first class area and peeked in through the curtain separating first class from the carriage, there she was with her baby, both asleep in the large and comfortable Seat 1A And I felt like a million bucks Cha-ching I gotta keep doing something like this This sweet story, told by a teenager named Tawni, is another example of the joy of service: Living in our neighborhood a girl with her parents in a two family house and they don't have much money. For the past three years, when I've outgrown my clothes, me and my mom have brought them to her. I would say something like "I thought you might like this" or "I would like to see you in it". If she wore something I gave her, I thought it was really cool. She would say, "Thank you for the news
Shirt." I'd say, "That color really suits you!" I've been trying to be sensitive so I don't make her feel guilty or make her think I think she's poor. It makes me feel good , knowing that I'm helping her to have a better life.
Make an effort to invite the child sitting alone in class with you and your friends. Write an email or thank you note to someone who has changed your life, e.g. B. a friend, a teacher or a coach. Next time you're at a tollbooth, pay for the car behind you. Giving gives life not only to others but also to yourself. I love these lines from Bruce Barton's The Man Nobody Knows that illustrate this point so well: There are two seas in Palestine. One is fresh and there are fish in it. Green splashes adorn its banks. Trees spread their branches over it and stretch out their thirsty roots to sip its healing waters. The Jordan River makes this sea of bubbling water out of the hills. That's how it smiles in the sunshine. And the people build their houses there, and the birds their nests; and every kind of life is happier because it's there. The Jordan flows further south into another sea. Here no fish splashing, no fluttering leaves, no birdsong, no children's laughter. Travelers will choose a different route unless urgent business is involved. The air hangs heavy over its waters, and neither man nor beast nor bird will drink. What makes this huge difference in these neighboring seas? Not the Jordan. It dumps the same good water into both. Not the ground they lie in; not in the area. That is the difference. The Sea of Galilee takes in the Jordan but does not contain it. For every drop that goes in, another drop flows out. Giving and receiving happen equally. The other sea is wiser and jealously hoards its income. It is not tempted to give generous impulses. Every drop it gets, it lasts. The Sea of Galilee gives and lives. This other sea gives nothing. It's called the dead. There are two types of people in this world. There are two seas in Palestine.
• BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF Being gentle means many things. It means not expecting to be perfect by tomorrow morning. If you're a late bloomer like many of us, be patient and give yourself enough time to grow. It means learning to laugh at the stupid things you do. I have a friend Chuck who is exceptional at laughing at himself and never taking life too seriously. I've always been amazed at how his optimistic attitude draws people almost like a magnet. Being gentle also means forgiving yourself when you screw up. And who hasn't? We should learn from our mistakes, but we shouldn't get upset about them. The past is just that, past. Think about what went wrong and why. Study and correct if necessary. Then leave it and move on. Throw the voodoo doll in the trash. "One of the keys to happiness," says Rita Mae Brown, "is a bad memory." A ship that has been at sea for many years will ingest thousands of barnacles, which lodge on the bottom of the ship and eventually weigh it down and become one become a threat to his security. The easiest way to get rid of them is to dock the ship in a freshwater harbor that is free of saltwater. Here the barnacles detach themselves and fall off. The ship can then put to sea unloaded. Do you carry barnacles in the form of mistakes, regrets and pain from the past? You may have to allow yourself to bathe in fresh water for a while. Click the Refresh button. Letting go of a burden and giving yourself a second chance might just be the bail you need right now.
Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of someone else. JUDY GARLAND SINGER
As Bruno Mars sings, “Life is too short to regret. . . . You only have one life to live, so you better make the most of it.”
• BE HONEST I recently googled the word honest and these are some of the related words I found: upright, incorruptible, moral, principled, truthful, steadfast, truthful, real, right, good, straight, sincere. Not a bad phrase to associate with, don't you think? Honesty takes many forms. First, there is honesty with yourself. When people look at you, are they seeing the original article, or are you appearing through smoke and mirrors? I find if I'm ever wrong and try to be something I'm not, I feel insecure and do PBA withdrawal. I love how singer Judy Garland put it, "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, rather than a second-rate version of someone else." Then there's honesty in what we do. If you've been dishonest in the past, and I think we all have, try to be honest and notice how good it makes you feel. It's a relief not to have to hide who you are or cover up your actions. The same goes for your internet persona. Just because people can't see you directly doesn't mean you can lie - after all, you know you're not telling the truth. Remember, you can't go wrong and you can't go wrong. This story by Jeff is a good example of this:
In my sophomore year, there were three kids in my geometry class who weren't good at math. I was really good at it. I would charge them three dollars for every test I helped them pass. The tests were multiple choice, so I wrote down all the correct answers on a tiny piece of paper and handed them in. At first I felt like I was making money, kind of a nice job. I haven't thought about how it could harm us all. After a while I realized that I shouldn't do that anymore because they didn't learn anything and it would only get harder later. Cheating certainly didn't help me.
It takes courage to be honest when people around you seem to get away with cheating on tests, lying to their parents, and stealing from work. But remember, every act of honesty is a deposit into your PBA and will build strength. As the saying goes, “My strength
is like the strength of ten because my heart is pure.” Honesty is always the best policy, even if it may not be popular.
• RENEW YOURSELF You need to take time for yourself to renew and relax. Otherwise you burn out and lose your zest for life. It seems like half the world saw Avatar, the highest grossing movie of all time. Why was it so successful? Groundbreaking special effects and great filmmaking aside, I think the story applies because we all need to practice what it preaches. Set in the year 2154 on Pandora, a forested moon in the Alpha Centauri star system, the story centers on the character of Jake Sully, a former Marine who is now paralyzed, wheelchair bound, trapped and unfulfilled. Being able to mentally live his "avatar" - a 10ft tall replica of the planet's blue natives - initially makes him feel alive because he can run and enjoy a functioning body, if only in his mind. But it quickly becomes much more. Upon meeting the natives, Jake falls in love with Neytiri, a female Na'vi native. The more time he spends with Neytiri and her people, the more he sees the beauty, peace, and power of their world - a world that Jake's noisy, natural-resource-thirsty people want to plunder and plunder. The message for us here is about rejuvenation, about switching off, about taking the time to listen to the natural world around us. It's about taking a self-imposed break from time to time. Now you don't have to become a 10 foot tall demi-human blue dude to find peace, but like Jake Sully, finding your own place to escape to, your own sanctuary, is imperative. Sit somewhere and think about the clouds. Find a tree stump and listen to the wind or the birds or maybe even your own heartbeat. If you don't have access to a big, cool, glowing tree of souls like Jake did, you might find a roof, a park bench, a piece of grass somewhere, just a place to be alone. Now this might all sound a bit cheesy, but trust me, people live in a constant storm of stuff these days and we all need to take a deep breath and unplug the plug every now and then just to refresh our spirits. Theodore from Canada had his stash:
Whenever I was too stressed or didn't get along with my parents, I just went down to the basement. There I had a hockey stick, a ball, and a bare concrete wall to vent my frustrations on. I would just shoot
Ball for half an hour and go back upstairs refreshed. It's worked wonders for my hockey game, but it's been even better for my family relationships.
Arian told me about his refuge. Whenever he got too stressed, he would slip through a back door into his high school's main auditorium. All alone in the quiet, dark and spacious room, he could escape the hustle and bustle, cry or just relax. Allison found her own garden: My father died in an accident at work when I was little. I really don't know the details because I've always shied away from asking my mother a lot of questions about it. Maybe it's because I've created this perfect image of him in my head that I don't want to change. To me he is that perfect person who would protect me if he were here. His thoughts are with me all the time and I imagine how he would act and help me if he were here. When I really need it, I go to the top of the slide in the local elementary school's yard. I have this stupid feeling that if I can go to the highest place, I can feel it. So I climb onto the slide and just lie there. I talk to him in my mind and I can feel him talking to my mind. I want him to touch me, but of course I know he can't. I go there every time something really bothers me and just share my loads with him.
Besides finding a haven, there are so many other ways to rejuvenate and build your PBA. Exercise can do it, like walking, running, dancing, or kickboxing. Some teenagers have suggested watching old movies, talking to friends who laugh at you, or recording music and making videos on your computer. Others have found that writing in their journal helps them cope. Habit 7, Sharpening the Saw, is about taking time to rejuvenate your body, heart, mind and spirit. We'll talk more about that when we get there. So hold your horses.
• GROW YOUR TALENTS Finding and then developing a talent, hobby or passion can be one of the biggest assets you can bring to your PBA.
Why, when we think of talent, do we think of the "traditional" high-profile talent such as athletes, dancers, or award-winning scholars? The truth is, talent comes in different packages. Don't think small. Maybe you have a knack for reading, writing or speaking. You may have a gift for rhythm, being hilarious, remembering details, or being accepting of others. They may have organizational, musical, or leadership qualities. It doesn't matter where your talent lies, whether it's chess, drama, or skateboarding, if you do it
Something you enjoy doing and have a talent for - it's exhilarating. It's a form of self-expression. And as this girl attests, it builds appreciation. You could die laughing when I tell you that I have a real talent and love for weed. And I'm not talking about the kind you smoke, I'm talking about weed and flowers that grow everywhere. I realized that I always noticed them while others just wanted to cut them off. So I started picking and pressing them - and eventually making beautiful pictures and postcards and art objects out of them. With one of these personalized cards I was able to cheer up many a sad soul. I am often asked to make floral arrangements for others and to share my knowledge of pressed plant preservation. It gave me so much joy and confidence - just knowing that I have a special gift and appreciation for something most people ignore. But it goes even beyond that - it taught me that if there is so much to simple weed, how much more is there to almost everything else in life? It made me look deeper. It makes me an explorer.
My brother-in-law Bryce told me how developing a talent helped him build his confidence and find a career where he could make a difference. Its story takes place in the Teton Mountains, which stretch high above the plains of Idaho and Wyoming. The Grand Teton, the tallest of the Teton peaks, towers 13,776 feet above sea level. As a young boy, Bryce had the perfect baseball swing. Until his tragic accident. One day while playing with a BB gun, Bryce accidentally shot himself in the eye. Fearing that surgery could permanently damage his vision, doctors left the BB in his eye. Months later, when Bryce returned to baseball, he began batting every time he batted. He had lost his depth perception and much of his vision in one eye and could no longer judge the ball. Bryce said, "I was an All-Star the year before and now I couldn't hit the ball. I was convinced that I could never do anything again. It was a huge blow to my confidence.” Bryce's two older brothers were good at so many things, and he wondered what he could do now that he had a new disability. Living near the Tetons, he decided to try rock climbing. So he stopped by the local army store and bought nylon rope, carabiners, chalk, climbing hooks, and other climbing supplies. He looked at climbing books and learned how to tie knots, clip on a harness and rappel. His first real climbing experience was abseiling down his friend's chimney. He soon began climbing some of the smaller peaks surrounding the Grand Teton. Bryce quickly found that he had a knack for it. Unlike many of his climbing partners, his body was strong and light and seemed perfectly built for rock climbing. After several months of training, Bryce finally scaled the Grand Teton all by himself. It took him two days. Achieving this goal gave him a massive confidence boost. He drove to the Tetons, ran to the bottom of the climb, did the climb, and ran back down. Bryce got faster and stronger each time. Bryce's friend Kim noticed how seriously he took climbing and said to him, "Hey, you should look for the record at Grand Teton." Kim told Bryce all about it. A climbing ranger named Jock Glidden had set a record on the Grand by running to the summit and back in four hours and eleven minutes. Absolutely impossible, Bryce thought. I would like to meet this guy one day. But as Bryce continued those kinds of runs, his times got faster and Kim kept saying, “You have to go for the record. I know you can do it." On one occasion, Bryce finally met Jock, the superman with the insurmountable record. Bryce and Kim were sitting in Jock's tent when Kim, himself a well-known climber, said to Jock, "This guy here is thinking Think about chasing your record.” Jock stared at Bryce's 125 pound frame and laughed out loud as if to say, “Get a hunch, you little runt.” Bryce felt
devastated but quickly collected. And Kim kept reiterating, "You can do this. I know you can do it." Early one morning, carrying a small orange backpack and a light jacket, Bryce ran to the top of the Grand Und in three hours, forty-seven minutes, and four seconds back. He only stopped twice: once to remove stones from his shoes and once to sign himself on the register at the summit to prove he was there. It felt absolutely amazing. He had not only broken the record, he had broken it!
A few years later, Bryce received a surprise phone call from Kim. "Bryce, did you hear? Her record just got broken." Of course, he added, "You've got to get it back. I know you can do it!" A man named Creighton King, who recently won the heralded Pike's Peak Marathon in Colorado, raced to the summit and back in three hours, thirty minutes and nine seconds. Two years after his last attack on up the mountain and ten days after his record was broken, Bryce stood in brand new running shoes in the parking lot of Lupine Meadows at the base of the Grand Teton, ready and eager to break King's record.With him were friends, family, Kim and a team from the local TV station to film his run.As before, he knew the hardest part of the climb was going to be the mental aspect.He obviously didn't want to become one of the two or three who climb the Grand every year , die Sportswriter Russell Weeks describes the Grand's run as follows: “From the parking lot, you face a run of about nine or ten miles on switchback paths, through a e gorge, two glacial moraines, two saddles, a gap between two peaks, and a 700-foot climb up the west face of the Grand. The rise and fall in elevation from Lupine Meadows to the summit and back is approximately 15,000 feet. Leigh Ortenburger's Climber's Guide to the Teton Range lists the last 700 feet alone as a three-hour climb.” Bryce ran off. As he continued to climb the mountain, his heart pounded and his legs burned. The concentration was intense. He climbed the last 700 feet in twelve minutes, reached the summit in one hour and fifty-three minutes, and placed his confirmation card under a rock. He knew he had to do it if he wanted to break King's record. The descent became so steep at times that he took ten to fifteen foot strides. He passed some friends who later told him his face had turned purple from lack of oxygen. Another climbing group apparently knew he was going to set the record because as he passed they yelled, "Go! Go!" To cheers, Bryce returned to Lupine Meadows three hours, six minutes and twenty-five seconds after leaving, with bleeding knees, tattered tennis shoes and a horrific headache. He had done the impossible! Word spread quickly and Bryce became known as the fastest climber in the west."It gave me an identity," said Bryce. "Everyone wants to be known for something, and so do I. My ability to climb gave me something to work for and was a great resource for self-esteem. It was
my way of expressing myself.” Today, Bryce is the founder and president of a highly successful company that makes high-performance backpacks for climbers and mountain runners. Most importantly, Bryce found a way to make a living doing what he loves to do. He is good at it, and he has used that talent to bless his life and the lives of many others. By the way, the record still stands. (Now don't get any wild ideas.) And Bryce still has his eye on that BB. So my friends, if you need a boost in confidence, start making some deposits in your PBA starting today. You will feel the results immediately. And remember, you don't have to climb a mountain to make a deposit. There's, oh I don't know, a billion and a safer way.
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS Up front, let's talk about the many differences between you and your dog. Read on and you'll see what I mean!
Keep promises to yourself
Get up when your alarm clock rings. Don't hit the snooze button or turn off the alarm and go back to sleep.
Identify a simple task that needs to be done today, like playing the piano, doing the laundry, or finishing a book for an English assignment. Decide when you will do it. Then keep your word and do it. Do voluntary acts of service
Sometime today, do something good anonymously, like take out the trash, fix your mom's laptop, or make someone's bed.
Organize a “positive social media attack”. Get your friends to attack someone over social media with kind words and compliments.
Expand your talents
List a talent you would like to develop this year. Write down specific steps to get there. Talent I want to develop this year: How do I get there:
Make a list of the talents you admire most in other people.
Talents I admire:
Be gentle with yourself
Think of an area of your life where you feel inferior. Now take a deep breath and remind yourself, "It's not the end of the world."
Spend a whole day without negative self-talk. Every time you catch yourself feeling bad about yourself, you have to replace it with three positive thoughts about yourself. Try it. Renew yourself
Decide on a fun activity that will lift your spirits and do it today. For example, turn up the music and dance. Feeling lethargic? Get up immediately and take a quick walk around the block.
The next time someone asks you what you're up to or how you're feeling, tell the whole story. Do not omit any information intended to mislead or deceive.
For a day, try not to overdo or embellish! Much luck!
Growing up in my home was a great pain at times. Why? Because my father always made me take responsibility for everything in my life. Whenever I said something like, "Dad, my girlfriend makes me so angry," Dad would always come back, "Come on Sean, nobody can make you angry unless you let them. It's your choice. You choose to be crazy.” Or when I say, “My new biology teacher is the worst. I'll never learn anything," said dad, "why don't you go to your teacher and give him some suggestions? change teachers. If necessary, find a tutor. If you don't learn biology, Sean, it's your fault, not your teacher's.” People are just as happy as they intended to be.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN US PRESIDENT
He never let me off the hook. He always challenged me and made sure I never blamed anyone else for my behavior. Luckily my mother let me blame other people and things for my problems, otherwise I might have gone psycho. I often yelled back, "You're wrong, Dad! I didn't choose to be angry. She drove, drove, drove me crazy. Get off me and leave me alone.” You know, Dad's idea that you're in charge of your life was hard medicine for me to swallow as a teenager. But looking back, I see the wisdom in what he did. He wanted me to learn that there are two types of people in this world - the proactive and the reactive - those who take responsibility for their lives and those who blame; those who make it happen and those to whom it happened. Habit 1, being proactive is key to unlocking all other habits and that's why it comes first. Habit 1 says, “I am the power. I am the captain of my life. I can choose my attitude. I am responsible for my happiness or unhappiness. I'm in the driver's seat of my destiny, not just a passenger.” Being proactive is the first step to achieving personal victory. Can you imagine doing algebra before learning addition and subtraction? Will not happen. The same applies to the 7 habits. You cannot do habit 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 before you do habit 1. That's because nothing else is really possible until you feel like you're in charge of your own life, right?
Hmmmm . . .
Proactive or reactive. . . The Choice Is Yours Every day, you and I have about 100 opportunities to choose whether to be proactive or reactive. Every day the weather is bad, you get a mean text message, you can't find a job, your sister steals your hoodie, you lose an election at school, your boyfriend talks behind your back, someone greases your locker, your parents won't let you Don't drive (for no reason), you'll get a ticket and fail a test. So what are you gonna do about it? Are you used to reacting to such everyday things or are you proactive? It's your decision. It's really. You don't have to react like everyone else is doing or like people think you should. How many times have you been driving down the road when suddenly someone cuts in front of you and makes you hit the brakes? How are you? yell at you? Swear? Flip them the bird? Do you let it ruin your day? Or do you just leave it? Laugh about it. Go on. It's your decision.
Reactive people make decisions on impulse. You're like a can of lemonade. When life messes them up a bit, the pressure builds up and they suddenly explode. "Hey, you stupid idiot! Get out of my lane!” Proactive people make decisions based on values. They think before they act. They realize they can't control everything that happens to them, but they can control what they do about it. Unlike reactive people who are full of fizz, proactive people are like water. Shake them all you want, take the lid off and nothing. No hissing, no bubbling, no pressure. You stay calm, cool and in control. "I'm not going to let this guy upset me and ruin my day." The best way to understand proactive thinking is to compare proactive and reactive responses to situations that happen all the time. scene one
You see pictures on Facebook of your best friend at a party the night she said she was too busy to hang out with you. She doesn't know you've seen the photos. Just five minutes ago, that same friend spoke straight to your face. You feel hurt and betrayed. Reactive Choices • Chew them out. Push past her as you charge away. • Fall into deep depression because you feel so bad that she left you. • Decide that she is a two-faced liar and treat her with silence. • Make every effort to exclude them. After all, she did it to you. Proactive Decisions • Forgive her and give her a second chance. • Confront her and share how you feel she lied to you. • Realize that like you, she has weaknesses and that sometimes you don't include her in things without really meaning it. Scene 2 You've been in retail for a while and you're extremely dedicated and dependable. A new hire recently joined the crew and he's getting the coveted Saturday afternoon shift - the shift you've been hoping for. Reactive Decisions • Spend half your waking time complaining to everyone and their dog about how unfair that decision was. • Examine the new hire and find each of their weaknesses. • Text your boss asking why he doesn't like you. • Start slacking off during your shift. Proactive Decisions • Talk to your manager about why the new hire got the better shift or if you and he can alternate. • Keep being a diligent employee to get that next promotion. • Learn what you can do to improve your performance. • When you find yourself at a dead end, start looking for a new one.
• LISTEN TO YOUR LANGUAGE You can usually tell the difference between proactive and reactive people by the language they use. Reactive speech usually sounds like, "That's me. That's the way I am.” What they're really saying is that I'm not responsible for how I act. I can't change I was destined to be like this. "If my chemistry teacher wasn't such a jerk, things would be different." What they're really saying is that school is the cause of all my problems, not me.
"Thank you very much. You just ruined my day." What they're really saying is that I'm not in control of my own mood. You are. "If only I went to a different school, had better friends, had cooler parents , had a boyfriend... then I would be happy." What they're really saying is that I'm not in control of my own happiness, "things" are. I have to have things to be happy. Notice, that reactive language takes power away from you and gives it to something or someone else.As my friend John Bytheway explains in his book What I Wish I'd Known in High School, being reactive is like being reactive give someone else the remote control of your life and say, “Here, change my mood whenever you want.” Proactive language, on the other hand, puts the remote control back in your hands, giving you the freedom to choose which channel you want to be on .REACTIVE LANGUAGE
I'll try it
I will do it
I can do better
I can not do anything about that
Let's look at all of our options
I have to
I choose to
I can not
There must be a way
you ruined my day
I won't let your bad mood rub off on me
• DAS VICTIMS-VIRUS
Some people have a contagious virus that I call "victim infection." Maybe you've seen it. People infected with Victimitis believe that everyone is after them and that the world owes them something. . . which is not the case at all. I like the way author Mark Twain put it, "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” I was playing college football with a guy who had a bad case of VC. His comments drove me insane: "I would start, but the coaches have something against me." "I was about to intercept the ball but someone cut me off." "I could have gotten a better 40-yard dash time, but mine Shoes came off." "Yes, right," I always felt like saying. "And I would be president if my father wasn't bald." It was obvious to me why he never acted. In his eyes, the problem was always "out there". He never considered that maybe his attitude was the problem. Adreana, an honor student from Chicago, grew up in a home where feeling victimized created a lot of tension: I'm black and I'm proud of it. Color didn't get in my way and I'm learning so much from white and black teachers and counselors alike. But at my house it's different. My mother, who dominates the family, is fifty years old, of southern origin, and still pretending that slavery had just been abolished. She sees my good performance at school as a threat, like I'm going to join the "whites". She still uses language like "The man keeps us from doing this and that. He keeps us locked up and doesn't let us do anything.” I always reply, “No one is stopping you from doing anything but yourself because you always think the way you think.” Even my boyfriend falls into the “white- man-holds-me-back” attitude. When he recently tried to buy a car and the sale didn't go through, he commented in frustration, "The white man doesn't want us to have anything." I almost lost my composure and confronted him about how silly that way of thinking was . But it only made him feel like I was siding with the white man. I remain convinced that the only person who can hold you back is yourself.
Reactive people don't just feel like victims: • are easily offended • blame others • get angry and say things they later regret • criticize and complain • wait for something to happen to them • only change when they have to
• IT PAYS TO BE PROACTIVE Proactive people are a different breed. Proactive people: • can dismiss things without taking offense • take responsibility for their decisions • think before they act • fight back when something bad happens • always find a way to move forward • focus on things that matter to them something they can do and don't do I don't remember them starting a new job and working with a guy named Randy. I don't know what his problem was, but for some reason he didn't like me - and he wanted me to know. He would say rude things to me on a daily basis. I mean all the time. Once I came back from vacation and a
A friend said to me, "Boy, Sean, if you only knew what Randy said about you. You better watch your back.” Having a nemesis is a burden. Sometimes I wanted to hit the guy, but I somehow managed to keep my cool and ignore him. Whenever he insulted me, I made it a personal challenge to treat him well in return. I had faith that if I acted like this, things would work out in the end. Within a few months things started to change. Randy could see that I wasn't going to play his game and began to relax. He even told me once, "I tried to insult you, but you won't insult me." After about a year with the company, we became friends and gained mutual respect. Had I reacted to his attacks, which was my gut feeling, I'm sure we wouldn't be friends today. (I'm also sure at least one of us would have been missing a few teeth by the end.) Often it only takes one person to build a friendship. Mary Beth discovered the benefits of taking initiative for herself: I had taken a class at school where we had talked about taking initiative and I was wondering how to actually use it. One day while I was browsing groceries for a man, he suddenly told me that the groceries I just called weren't his. My first reaction was to say "You idiot" and then put the bar between the other customer's groceries. "Why didn't you stop me sooner?" So I have to erase everything and call to get the changes approved by a manager while he just stands there and thinks it's funny. Meanwhile, the air is rising and I'm really irritated. To top it off, he then has the gall to question the price I charged him for the broccoli.
To my horror I discovered that he was right. I had entered the wrong code numbers for the broccoli in the registry. Now I was particularly irritated and so tempted to hit him to cover up my own mistake. But then this idea came to my mind: “Be proactive.” So I said, “You are right, sir. It's all my fault. I am correcting the prices. It'll only take a few seconds.” I also reminded myself that being proactive doesn't mean you're a doormat, so I kindly reminded him that to avoid things like this in the future, he would always have to lower the bar , which separates orders. It felt so good. I apologized, but I also said what I wanted to say. It was such a simple little thing, but it gave me such an inner conversion and confidence in the habit.
At this point, you're probably ready to shoot me and say, "Come on Sean. It's not that easy." I'm not going to argue with you. Being reactive is much, much easier. It's easy to lose your temper. It doesn't take control. And it's easy to whine and complain. Be proactive too however, being is unquestionably the higher path and one that will take you much further in the short term. But remember, you don't have to be perfect. In reality, you and I are neither fully proactive nor fully reactive, but probably somewhere in between. The The key then is to get used to being proactive so you can run on autopilot and not even have to think about it.If you choose to be proactive an average of 20 times out of 100 each day, try 30 times out of 100 Then 40. Never underestimate the big difference small changes can make.
• WE CAN ONLY CONTROL ONE THING The fact is that we cannot control everything that happens to us. We cannot control where our
Ancestors came, who will win the Superbowl, what the tuition fees will be next fall, or how others might treat us. But there is one thing we can control: how we react to what happens to us. And that counts! That's why we need to stop worrying about things we can't control and start worrying about things we can control. Imagine two circles. The inner circle is our control circle. It encompasses things over which we have control - ourselves, our attitudes, our choices, our reactions to everything that happens to us. Around the circle of control is the circle of no control. It encompasses the thousands of things we can't do anything about. Now what happens when we spend our time and energy worrying about things we can't control, like a rude remark, a past mistake, or the fact that it's raining on a good day? You guessed it! We'll feel even more out of control, like we're victims. For example, if your sister is annoying you and you keep complaining about her weaknesses (something you have control over), it won't solve the problem. It will only lead to you blaming her for your problems and losing power yourself. Ignore the rude comment, avoid the mistake next time and get an umbrella for the rain. You are the star of your own life. Focus on what you can influence.
Renatha told me a story that illustrates this point. A week before her upcoming volleyball game, she learned that the mother of a player on the opposing team had made fun of Renatha's volleyball skills. Instead of ignoring the comments, Renatha got angry and spent the rest of the week stewing. When the game came along, her only goal was to prove to this woman that she was a good player. Long story short, Renatha played poorly, spent a lot of time on the bench and her team lost the game. She was so focused on something she couldn't control (a stranger's opinion of her) that she lost control of the only thing she could control, which was herself. Proactive people, on the other hand, focus on other things. . . on the things they can control. As a result, they experience inner peace and are prepared for everything that comes their way. They learn to live with, even smile and laugh at, the many things they cannot do about. They may not like them, but they know there's no point in worrying.
• USE SETBACKS IN TRIUMPHS Life often plays us badly, but it's up to you to think to yourself, “I made it. I can get through it.” By the way, think how boring you would be if nothing challenging ever happened to you – you would never learn, and then you would never change! Every setback is an opportunity for us to make it a triumph, as illustrated by this report by Parade magazine's Brad Lemley: "It's not what happens to you in life, it's what you make of it," says W Mitchell, a self-made millionaire, popular speaker, former mayor, river rafter and skydiver. And he achieved all this after his accidents. If you've seen Mitchell, it's hard to believe. You see, this guy's face is a patchwork of colorful skin grafts, the fingers on both of his hands are either missing or stubbed, and his paralyzed legs lie thin and useless under his pants. Mitchell says sometimes people try to guess how he got hurt. A car wreck? Vietnam? The real story is more amazing than anyone could ever imagine. On June 19, 1971, he stood on top of the world—young, healthy, and popular. The day before he had bought a beautiful new motorcycle. That morning was his first time alone on a plane. “That afternoon I got on this motorcycle to go to work,” he recalls, “and at an intersection, a laundry cart and I collided. The bike fell, crushing my elbow and fractured my pelvis, and the bike's gas can burst open. The gas poured out, the heat from the engine ignited it, and I was burned on over 65 percent of my body.” Luckily, in a nearby parking lot, a quick-thinking man doused Mitchell with a fire extinguisher, saving his life. Still, Mitchell's face was seared, his fingers were black, charred, and twisted, his legs were nothing but sore red flesh. It was common for first-time visitors to look at him and faint. He was unconscious for two weeks, then woke up. Within four months, he had 13 transfusions, 16 skin grafts, and several other surgeries. Four years later, after spending months in rehabilitation and years learning to adjust to his new disabilities, the unthinkable happened. Mitchell was involved in an unusual plane crash and was paralyzed from the waist down. "When I tell people there were two separate accidents," he says, "they can hardly take it." After his debilitating plane crash, Mitchell recalls encountering a nineteen-year-old patient in the hospital gym. “This guy was also paralyzed. He was a mountaineer, a skier, an active outdoor person, and he was convinced his life was over. Finally I went up to this guy and I said, 'You know something? Before all of this happened to me, there were 10,000 things I could do. Now it's 9,000. I could spend the rest of my life thinking about the 1,000 I've lost, but I choose to focus on the 9,000 that's left.' ” Mitchell says his secret is twofold. First, the love and encouragement of friends and family, and second, a personal philosophy he has gleaned from various sources. He realized that he didn't have to conform to society's notion that you had to be good looking and healthy to be happy. "I'm in charge of my own spaceship," he says emphatically. "It's my up, my down. I could choose to view this situation as a setback or as a starting point.” I like how Helen Keller puts it: “I've been given so much. I have no time to reflect on what has been denied.” While most of our setbacks will not be as severe as Mitchell's, we will all have our fair share. You could get fired, you could lose an election at school, you could get beaten up,
You may not be admitted to the school of your choice, you may become seriously ill. I hope and believe that you will be proactive and strong in these crucial moments. I remember a major setback on my part. Two years after I became the starting quarterback in college, I badly injured my knee, had surgery, relapsed, and subsequently lost my position. Coach called me into his office just before the start of the season and told me they were handing the starting job to someone else.
I feel sick. I had worked my whole life to get this position. It was my senior year. That should not happen. As a backup, I had a choice to make. I could complain, badmouth the new guy and feel sorry for myself. Or . . . I could make the best of the situation. Luckily I decided to deal with it. I stopped throwing touchdowns, but I could help in other ways. So I swallowed my pride and kept supporting the team, working hard and preparing for every game like I was the starter. I chose to keep my chin up. Was it easy? Not at all. I often felt like a failure. Sitting out every game after he was the starter was humiliating. Maintaining a good attitude was a constant struggle. But was it the right choice? Definitive. I've worked my butt off on the bench all year, but I've contributed to the team in other ways, supporting the newbie and helping prepare our defense for the opposing team's offense each week. Above all, I took responsibility for my attitude. I can't tell you what a positive difference this unique decision has made in my life.
• SURVIVE ABUSE One of the most intense and difficult setbacks of all is dealing with abuse. I will never forget the morning I spent with a group of teenagers - mostly young women but also some young men - who were sexually abused, raped or otherwise abused emotionally or physically as children. Heather told me this story:
I was sexually abused when I was fourteen. It happened when I was at a fair. A boy from school came up to me and said, "I really need to talk to you, come with me for a few minutes." I never suspected anything because this kid was my friend and was always very nice to me. He took me for a long walk and we ended up at the high school shelters. There he raped me. He kept telling me, "If you tell anyone, no one will believe you. You wanted this to happen to you anyway.” He also told me that my parents were so ashamed of me. I kept quiet about it for two years. Eventually I attended a service session where people who had been abused shared their stories and this one girl stood up and shared a similar story to mine. When she said the name of the boy who abused her, I started crying because it was the same guy who raped me. It turned out that six of us fell victim to him.
Thankfully, Heather is now on the road to recovery and has found tremendous strength in being part of a teenage group trying to help other abuse victims. By coming forward, she prevented more girls from being attacked by the same boy. This is a proactive and powerful act. Unfortunately, Bridgett's story is very common: When I was five years old, I was sexually abused by a family member. Too scared to tell anyone I tried to bury my pain and anger. Now that I've come to terms with what happened, I look back on my life and can see how it affected everything. I ended up hiding myself trying to hide something terrible. It wasn't until thirteen years later that I finally faced my childhood nightmare. Many people have had the same experience as me or something related. Most hide it. Why? Some fear for their lives. Others want to protect themselves or others. But whatever the reason, hiding it isn't the answer. It just leaves such a deep cut in the soul that it seems like there is no way to heal it. Confronting it is the only way to sew up this bleeding wound. Find someone to talk to, someone you are comfortable with, someone you can trust. It is a long and difficult process, but once you have come to terms with it, only then can you begin to live.
If you have been abused, it is never your fault. And the truth must be told. Abuse thrives in secret. By sharing it with someone else, you immediately lighten the burden you are carrying. Talk to a loved one or friend you can trust, go to sexual abuse support meetings, or see a professional therapist. If the first person you share your problems with isn't receptive, don't give up - keep sharing until you find someone who is. Sharing your secret with others is an important step in the healing process. Take the initiative to do so. You don't have to live a day longer with this burden. (Please contact the abuse hotlines listed at the end of the book for help or information.)
• BECOME A CHANGE AGENT I once asked a group of teenagers: Who are your role models? A girl mentioned her mother. Another child spoke about his brother. One guy was noticeably quiet. I asked him who he admired. He said quietly, "I don't have a role model." He just wanted to make sure he didn't become like the people who should have been his role models. Unfortunately, this is the case for many teenagers. They come from messed up families and may not have anyone to model their lives after. The scary thing is that bad habits like abuse, alcoholism, and welfare dependency are often passed from parents to children, and as a result, dysfunctional families repeat themselves over and over again. Sometimes these problems go back generations. They can come from a long line of alcohol or drug addictions. They can come from a long line of welfare dependants. Perhaps no one in your family has ever graduated from college or even high school. The good news is that you can stop the cycle. By being proactive, you can prevent these bad habits and circumstances from being passed on. You can become a change agent
and pass on good habits to future generations, starting with your own children. A persistent girl named Hilda told me how she became her family's change agent. Education was not a priority in her home; there were too many other things to worry about. Hilda says, “My mother worked in a sewing factory for very little money, and my father worked for just over minimum wage. I heard them arguing about the money and how they would pay the rent. The highest grade my parents attended at school was sixth grade.”
Whether I fail or succeed, no one else should do it but me. I am the power ELAINE MAXWELL
As a young girl, Hilda vividly remembered that her father could not help her with her homework because he could not read English. It was hard for her and she saw the consequences of a lack of education. When Hilda was in junior high, her family moved back to Mexico from California. Hilda soon realized that there were limited educational opportunities for her there, so she asked if she could move back to the States to live with her aunt. Over the next few years, Hilda made great sacrifices to stay in school. "It was tough being crammed into a room with my cousin," she says, "and sharing a bed and having to work to pay rent and go to school, but it was worth it. "Even though I had a child and got married in high school, I continued to attend school and worked to complete my education. I wanted to prove to my dad that he was definitely wrong when he said no one in our family could go pro.” Hilda is about to graduate from college with a degree in finance. She wants to pass on her educational values to her children: “Today, whenever I can, when I'm not at school, I sit on the sofa and read to my son. I teach him how to speak English and Spanish. I'm trying to save money for his education. One day he will need help with his homework and I will be there to help him.” I interviewed another 16-year-old Midwestern boy named Shane, who also becomes a change agent in his family. Shane lives with his parents and two siblings in the projects, a low-income part of town. Although his parents are still together, they constantly fight and accuse each other of having affairs. His father drives a truck and is never home. His mother smokes weed with his 12-year-old sister. His older brother failed high school for two years and eventually dropped out. At one point, Shane had lost hope.
Just when he thought he'd hit rock bottom, he took a character development class at school (which taught the 7 Habits) and he began to see that there were things he could do to take control of his life take over and create a future. Luckily, Shane's grandfather owned the upstairs apartment where Shane's family lived, so Shane paid him $100 a month rent and he moved into that apartment. He now has his own sanctuary and can hide anything he doesn't want to participate on the floor below. Says Shane: "Things have gotten better now. I treat myself better and show myself respect. My family doesn't have much respect for themselves. Although no one in my family has ever gone to college, I was accepted into three different universities. Everything I do now is for my future. My future will be different. I know I'm not going to sit down with my 12-year-old daughter and smoke weed.” You have the power within you to rise above anything that has come down to you. You may not have the option to go upstairs like Shane to get away from it all, but you can figuratively move upstairs in your mind. No matter how dire your predicament, you can become a change agent and create a new life for yourself and whatever may follow.
• GROW YOUR PROACTIVE MUSCLES The following poem is a great summary of what it means to take responsibility for your life and how a person can gradually move from a reactive to a proactive mindset. AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN
FIVE SHORT CHAPTER From There's a Hole in My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. i fall in I am lost. . . I'm helpless. It's not my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. II
I'm walking down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend not to see it. I fall back in I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it's not my fault. The exit will take a long time. III
I'm walking down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it's there. I still fall in It's a habit. my eyes are open i know where i am It's my fault. I get out immediately. IV
I'm walking down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. v
I walk down a different street. You too can take charge of your life and avoid potholes by flexing your proactive muscles. It's a "breakthrough" habit that will save your you-know-what more times than you can ever imagine!
• CAN-DO Being proactive really means two things. First, you take responsibility for your life. Second, you have a "can-do" attitude. Can-Do is very different from "No-Can-Do". Just take a look. CAN PEOPLE
Take the initiative to make it happen
Wait for something to happen to them
Think about solutions and options
Think of problems and obstacles
It is traded
If you think you can do it, and you're creative and persistent, it's amazing what you can achieve. I remember being told during college that in order to meet my language requirements I “must” take a course that I had no interest in and that was meaningless to me. Instead of taking this course, however, I decided to start my own. So I made a list of books I would read and assignments I would do, and found a teacher who sponsored me. I then went to the dean of the school and presented my case. He was convinced of my idea and I completed my language needs with the course I put together myself. American aviator Elinor Smith once said, "It has long struck me that successful people rarely sit back and let things happen to them. They went out and things happened.” That's so true. In order to achieve your life goals, you must take the initiative. If you're feeling bad about not being asked out on a date, don't just sit around and sulk, do something about it. Find ways to meet people. Be friendly and try to smile a lot. question her. They may not know how awesome you are. Don't wait for the perfect job to fall into your lap, go for it. Be brave. Submit your resume, network with people you admire, gain experience by volunteering. If you are in a store and need help, don't wait for the clerk to find you, you will find them. Some people think of can-do as pushy, aggressive, or obnoxious. Not correct. Can-do is brave, persistent and smart. Others think doers stretch the rules and make their own laws. Not so. Makers are creative, enterprising and highly imaginative. Pia, a friend of mine, told the following story. It's been a long time, but the principle of what can be done is the same: I was a young journalist in a big city in Europe, working full-time as a reporter for United Press International. I was inexperienced and always nervous that I wouldn't be able to live up to the expectations of a tough and much older male press crew. The Beatles came to town and to my astonishment I was hired to cover their stay. (My editor didn't know how big they were.) They were the hottest thing in Europe back then. Girls fainted by the hundreds just by being there and this is where I wanted to cover their press conference. The press conference was exciting and I was thrilled to be there, but I realized that everyone would have the same story - I needed something more, something gritty, something that would really make the front page. One by one all the senior reporters went back to their papers to report and the Beatles went upstairs to their rooms. I stayed behind. I have to find a way to get at these guys, I thought. And no time to lose. I went into the hotel lobby, picked up the house phone and dialed the penthouse. I thought they would stay there. Her manager replied. “This is Pia Jensen from United Press International. I'd like to speak to the Beatles,” I said confidently. (What did I have to lose?) To my amazement, he said, "Come up." Shaking and feeling like I'd hit the jackpot, I entered the elevator and headed up to the hotel's royal suites. I was led into an area the size of an entire floor - and here they all sat, Ringo, Paul, John and George. I swallowed my nervousness and inexperience and tried to act like a world-class reporter. I spent the next two hours laughing, listening, talking, writing and having the time of my life. They treated me like royalty and gave me all the attention in the world! The next morning, my story made the front page of the country's leading newspaper. And my more detailed interviews with each of the Beatles appeared as features in most of the world's newspapers over the next few days. When the Rolling Stones came to town after that - guess who they sent? Me, a young female inexperienced reporter. I used the same approach with them and it worked again. I quickly realized what I could achieve if I was pleasantly persistent. A pattern formed in my head and I was convinced that anything was possible. With this approach, I usually got the best story and my news career took on a new dimension.
George Bernard Shaw, the English playwright, knew all about what could be done. Hear him say it: “People always blame their circumstances for who they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who thrive in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and when they can't find them, they create them.” Notice how Denise was able to create the circumstances that she wanted: I know it's weird for a teenager to want to work in a library, but I really wanted this job — more than I'd ever wanted anything, but they didn't hire. I went to the library and read every day, met my friends and just got away from home - what better place to work than somewhere I was already hanging around? Although I didn't have a job there, I got to know the office staff and I volunteered for special events and soon became a regular. It paid off. When they finally got a job, I was their first choice and I found one of the best jobs I've ever had.
• JUST HIT PAUSE So when someone is rude to you, where do you get the strength to resist responding rudely? Just hit pause to start. Yes, just reach up and press the pause button on your life, just like you would on your remote control. (If I remember correctly, the pause button is somewhere in the middle of your forehead.) Sometimes life moves so fast that out of habit we react immediately to everything. If you can learn to stop, take control, and think about how you want to respond, you'll make wiser decisions. Yes, your childhood, your parents, your genes and your environment influence you to act in certain ways, but they cannot force you to do anything. Your life is not predetermined and you are free to choose.
As your life pauses, open your tool chest (the one you were born with) and use your four human tools to decide what to do. Animals don't have these tools and that's why you're smarter than your dog. These tools are self-knowledge, conscience, imagination, and willpower. You might want to call them your power tools.
I can stand out from myself and observe my thoughts and actions.
I can listen to my inner voice to tell right from wrong.
I can imagine new possibilities.
I have the power to choose.
Let's illustrate these tools by imagining a teenager named Rosa and her dog Woof going for a walk: “Here, boy. Let's go outside," says Rosa, while Woof jumps up and down while wagging his tail. It's been a tough week for Rosa. Not only has she just broken up with boyfriend Eric, she and her mom hardly ever speak to each other. As she strolls down the sidewalk, Rosa begins to think about the past week. "You know what?" she muses to herself. "The breakup with Eric was really hard for me. That's probably why I was so rude to mom and took all my frustration out on her."
Do you see what pink is doing? She stands apart from herself and evaluates and measures her actions. This process is called self-awareness. It is a tool common to all humanoids. By using them
Confident, Rosa is able to recognize that she is allowing her breakup with Eric to affect her relationship with her mother. This observation is the first step in changing the way she treats her mother. Meanwhile, Woof sees a cat in front of him and instinctively chases after it in a frenzy. Despite being a loyal dog, Woof is unaware of himself. He doesn't even know he's a dog. He's unable to stand apart from himself and say, "You know what? Ever since Suzy (his dog friend next door) moved, I've been taking my anger out on all the neighborhood cats.” As she continues her walk, Rosa's mind begins to wander. She can't wait for tomorrow's school concert, where she will perform a solo. music is her life. Rosa imagines her singing at the concert. She is seen dazzling the audience and then bowing to receive a rousing standing ovation from all her friends and teachers. . . and of course all the cute boys.
In this scene, Rosa uses another of her human tools, imagination. It's a remarkable gift. It allows us to escape from our current circumstances and create new possibilities in our minds. It gives us the opportunity to visualize our future and envision what we would like to become. While Rosa imagines visions of grandeur, Woof busily digs up the earth trying to get hold of a worm. Woof's imagination is as alive as a rock. zilch. He can't think beyond the moment. He can't imagine new possibilities. Can you imagine Woof thinking, "One day I will have my own dream kennel with a revolving door and a large bay window"?
GARFIELD © 1981 Paws, Inc. Reprinted with permission from UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE. All rights reserved.
Suddenly Rosa feels a vibration in her pocket. She gets a text from her new boyfriend Taylor. "Hiii, what are you doing?" "Hey! Going for a walk with Woof," Rosa replies. Right at that moment, she gets another message: "I heard what happened to you & Eric. Big crap." Rosa is bothered at Taylor's reference to Eric. It's none of her business. Although she's tempted to be harsh with Taylor, she knows that Taylor is just trying to get to know her better and doesn't mean it. Rosa thinks it's right, sincerely and to be kind." Yes, a breakup is hard. Anyway, what's the matter with you?" Rosa has just used her human tool called conscience. A conscience is an "inner voice" that always teaches us right and wrong Each of us has a conscience, and it will either grow or shrink
depending on whether we follow his cues or not.
Meanwhile, Woof relieves himself on Mr. Newman's newly painted white picket fence. Woof has absolutely no moral sense of right and wrong. After all, he's just a dog. And dogs will do whatever their instinct tells them to do. Rosa's walk with Woof comes to an end. As she opens the front door to her house, she hears her mother yelling from the other room, “Rosa, where have you been? I've called you a dozen times." Rosa had already made up her mind not to lose her calm with her mother, so she calmly replies, although she wanted to yell back: "Get out of my face", "Just went for a walk with the dog, Mummy . . "Shot! Shoot! Come back," Rosa yells as Woof bursts out the open door to chase the postman.
As Rosa uses her fourth human tool of willpower to control her anger, Woof, who has been told not to pursue the postman, is overwhelmed by his instincts. Willpower is the power to act. It states that we have the power to choose, control our emotions, and transcend our habits and instincts. As you can see in the example above, we either use or don't use our four human tools every day of our lives. The more we use them, the stronger they become and the more power we have to be proactive. However, when we don't use them, we tend to react instinctively like a dog and not act voluntarily like a human.
• HUMAN TOOLS IN ACTION
Dermell Reed once told me how his proactive response to a family crisis changed his life forever. Dermell grew up in one of the roughest parts of East Oakland, the fourth in a family of seven children. No one in the Reed family had ever graduated from high school before, and Dermell wouldn't be the first. He was uncertain about his future. His family struggled. His street was full of gangs and drug dealers. could he ever get out While at his home, on a still summer night before his senior year, Dermell heard a series of gunshots. "It's an everyday thing to hear gunshots and I didn't pay attention," Dermell said. Suddenly one of his friends, who had been shot in the leg, burst through the door and started yelling that Dermell's little brother Kevin had just been shot in a drive-by shooting. "I was upset and I was angry and I was hurt and I lost someone that I'll never see in my life again," Dermell told me. “He was only thirteen years old. And he was shot because of a little street fight. I can't explain how life went on after that. It's just been downhill for the whole family.” Dermell's immediate reaction was to kill the killer. It felt like the only real way he could repay his dead brother. The police were still trying to find out who did it, but Dermell knew. On a muggy August night, a few weeks after Kevin's death, Dermell acquired a .38 caliber revolver and took to the streets to exact revenge on Tony "Fat Tone" Davis, the crack dealer who killed his brother. "It was dark. Davis and his friends couldn't see me. There he was, talking, laughing, having fun, and here I am just fifty feet from him, crouched behind a car with a loaded gun. I sat there and thought, 'I could just pull this little trigger and kill the guy who killed my brother.' " Big decision. At that point, Dermell paused and held himself together. With his imagination, he thought about his past and his future after. "I thought about my life in seconds. I weighed my options. I weighed the chances of escaping, not getting caught, the police trying to figure out who I was. I thought about the times Kevin would come to watch me play soccer. He used to tell me I was going to be a pro soccer player. I was thinking about my future, about going to college. About what I wanted to do with my life." listened to his conscience. "I'm holding a gun, I'm shaking and I think the good side of me told me to get up and go home and go to school. If I took revenge, I would throw my future away. I would be no better than the guy who shot my brother.” Rather than give in to his anger and throw his life away, Dermell got up with brute willpower, went home, and vowed that he would finish college for his beloved dead brother. Nine months later, Dermell had made the honors roll and was just graduating from high school. The people at his school couldn't believe it. Five years later, he was a college football star and college graduate, the first in his family. Like Dermell, each of us will face one or two extraordinary challenges along the way, and we can choose to face those challenges or let them overcome us. Elaine Maxwell sums it all up pretty well: “Whether I fail or succeed should be no one's business but my own. I am the power; I can clear any obstacle in front of me or get lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; whether I win or lose, only I have the key to my destiny.” It's a bit like the old Volkswagen commercials. “They exist on the road of life
passengers and there are drivers. . . Driver wanted!” Let me ask you, are you sitting in the driver's seat of your life or are you just a passenger? Do you conduct your symphony or is it just played? Are you acting like a can of soda or a bottle of water? After all that has been said and done, the choice is yours!
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS In the following chapter, I'll take you on a ride you'll never forget called The Great Discovery. come along It's one thrill per minute!
Next time someone knocks you out, give them the peace sign back.
Listen carefully to your words today. Count how often you use reactive language, e.g. B. "You make me . . ." "I have to . . ." "Why can't you . . ." "I can't . . ." Reactive language I use most: .........
Do something today that you always wanted to do but never dared. Get out of your comfort zone and dare. Invite someone out on a date, report to class, or join a team. What's the worst that could happen? If you fail or get rejected, so what? It's better than not trying at all.
Leave yourself a message — on your phone or on a Post-it — that says, “I won't let ..................... decide how I'll feel it." Refer to this often.
At the next party, don't just sit against the wall and wait for the excitement to find you, you will find it. Go and introduce yourself to someone new.
The next time you get a grade that you think is unfair, don't blow it off or cry about it, make an appointment with the teacher to talk about it, and then see what you can learn.
If you get into a fight with a parent or friend, make amends and be the first to apologize.
Identify something in your out-of-control circle that you are always worried about. Now decide to drop it. Something I can't control that I always worry about:
If someone sends you a mean or rude text, hit the pause button. Don't react when you're angry. Don't press send. Cool down first. Then decide how best to deal with it.
Use your self-knowledge tool now by asking yourself, "What is my unhealthiest habit?" Make a commitment to do something about it. The unhealthiest habit: ........................................ .... What I will do about it: ........................................ . ............
"Would you please tell me which way to go from here?" "That depends a lot on where you want to go," said the cat. "I don't care where -" said Alice. "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the cat. FROM ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND
It's a rainy day and you're stuck indoors. She and a friend decide to put on some music and do a jigsaw puzzle for old times sake. They pour out all 1,000 parts and spread them out on a large table. You check the lid of the box to see what you're putting together. But there is no picture! It is empty! How will you ever be able to complete the puzzle without knowing what it looks like? If you only knew for a second what it's supposed to be. That's all you need. What a difference it would make! Without them, you have no idea where to even begin.
Now think about your own life and your 1,000 parts (at least 1,000!). Do you have an ending in mind? Do you have a clear picture, even an idea, of who you want to be in a year? In five years? Or do you feel lost? Habit 2, Start with the end in mind is developing a clear picture of where you want to go with your life. It means deciding what your values are and setting goals. Habit 1 says you are the driver of your life, not the passenger. Habit 2 says that since you are the driver, decide where you want to go and draw a map of how to get there. "Um, wait a minute," you might be thinking. "I'm too young to have an ending in mind. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up and honestly I don't care right now.” If that makes you feel any better, I'm a grown man and I still don't know what I want to be. When I say start with the end in mind, I'm not talking about deciding every little detail of your future, such as who you are
Choose your career or choose who you will marry. I'm just talking about thinking beyond today and deciding which direction you want to take so that every step you take is always in the right direction.
Start with the end in mind - what it means You may not realize it, but you do it all the time. Start with the end in mind, ie. Before you build a house, you make a blueprint. You read a recipe before you bake a cake. You create an outline before you write a paper (at least I hope you do). It's part of life. Now let's use your imagination tools to have a beginning-to-end-in-the-thought experience. Find a place where you can be alone without being disturbed. There. Get rid of everything now. Don't think about texting your friend; Forget the pimple on your forehead. Just focus on me for a second; take a deep breath and open your brain wide. In your mind's eye, imagine someone walking towards you about half a block away. At first you don't see who it is. As that person gets closer and closer, you suddenly realize, believe it or not, it's you. But you are not today, you are how you want to be in a year. Now think carefully. What have you done with your life in the last year? how do you feel inside How do you look? Has your personality grown? (Remember, this is who you want to be in a year.) You can float back to reality now. If you were a good athlete and actually tried this experiment, you probably got in touch with your deeper self. You've gotten a sense of what's important to you and what you want to achieve in the next year. That's what beginning with the end is all about. And it doesn't even hurt. As Jim found, starting with the end in mind is a powerful way to make your dreams come true: Whenever I'm feeling frustrated or getting depressed, I've found something that's really helping me. I go somewhere where I can be alone and then I close my eyes and mentally imagine where I want to be and where I want to go when I'm older. I try to see the whole picture of my dream life - and then automatically I start thinking about what it takes to get there, what I need to change. This technique began when I was in ninth grade and today I'm in the process of making some of these visualizations a reality.
In fact, thinking beyond today can be really exciting and, as this high school grad confirms, can help you take charge of your life: I've never planned anything in my life. I just do things as they come up. The thought of having an ending in mind never crossed my mind. It was so exciting to learn because I suddenly think beyond the now. Not only am I planning my education now, but I am also thinking about how I want to raise my children, how I want to educate my family and how we should live at home. I take responsibility for myself - and no longer blow in the wind!
Why is it so important to have an ending in mind? I'll give you two good reasons. First, you are at a critical crossroads in life, and the paths you choose now may affect you forever. The second is that if you don't decide your future yourself, someone else will.
• THE CROSSROADS OF LIFE
Let's look at the first important reason. So here you are. you are young You are free. You have your whole life ahead of you. You are at a crossroads in life and have to choose a path: Do you want to study? business school? do you want to travel Learn another language? Should you try yourself for a team? What kind of friends do you want to have? Are you going to cut classes again? do you want dates What kind of person? Will you have sex before marriage? Will you drink, smoke, do drugs? Which values will you choose? What kind of relationships do you desire with your family? What will your outlook on life be like? what will you stand for How will you contribute to your community? The paths you choose today can shape you forever. It's both scary and exciting that we have to make so many important decisions in the seven years of our teenage years when we're so young and full of hormones, but that's life. what about friends Take your choice of friends as an example. Have you ever noticed the powerful impact they can have on your attitude, reputation and direction? The need to be accepted and to be part of a group is strong. But all too often we choose our friends based on who accepts us. And that's not always good. For example, to be accepted by the kids who use drugs, you just have to use drugs yourself. The wrong group can lead you down all sorts of paths that you really don't want to be. And retracing your steps can be a long, hard journey. Sometimes it really is better to just hang out by yourself, to be honest. If you're having trouble making good friends, remember that your friends don't always have to be your age. I spoke to a guy once who only had a few friends at school, but he had a grandpa who listened to him, made him laugh, and was a great friend. It filled the "popularity" void he had in his life. Connecting with people over the internet or through apps can feel empowering, especially if you're struggling to connect with people in person. Ben's story goes like this:
I got into online gaming quite a bit last fall, and it was a really good way to connect with people who are into the same things I am, things that other people would consider "nerdy." I didn't know that many people at my new school, but I had this really amazing supportive community online. There were chat threads that all users were commenting on and there were some really interesting people there. It felt safe to finally be able to talk to people who weren't making fun of me because I'm into games, and I thought about meeting a group of them in person. Then I remembered hearing news about cyberstalkers and online harassment and it kind of freaked me out. I just realized I had to be smart — I mean, all these people I spoke to seemed cool and not dangerous, but all I knew was not to share any personal information with them or meet them — because I really didn't know who they were! So I told them I didn't feel comfortable dating and most of them agreed that was cool so we just kept it as an online friendship. Only once did someone really scare me - a user asked for my address and photo, but before I even started getting angry about it, I realized I could have the situation under control. I blocked them and never heard from them again. In fact, this online community has made me more confident and I've made more friends at my new school.
You can't be too careful when sharing personal information online, and Ben seems to have gotten it. Even if you're video chatting with someone or following them on Instagram and they seem nice or attractive, there's no way of knowing they aren't a total psycho personally. How about sending explicit texts or sexting photos of yourself — even to someone you already know and trust? It might seem funny at the time, but who knows what the person you send them to will do later. What if you and your boyfriend or girlfriend break up and they end up sharing your texts or photos to hurt you? Ouch! It seems like once a week a celebrity or politician gets in trouble over something like this. If you keep your goal in mind and avoid such situations, there is a much lower risk of someone taking advantage of you. In short, just be wise in your choice of friends and partners. Be selective about the people you trust because so much of your future depends on who you spend time with. what about sex And what about sex? Talk about an important decision. If you wait until the "heat of the moment" to decide on a path, it's too late. Decide now. The path you choose affects your health, how you feel, how fast you grow up, your reputation, who you date and maybe get married, and more. Think this decision through carefully. . . careful.
One way to do this is to imagine what kind of person you want to end up with. How do you hope your future partner will lead his or her life now? A recent survey ranked going to the cinema as the most popular pastime among teenagers. I love movies too, so I'm right there with you. But I would be wary of the values they promote. Most movies lie, especially when it comes to topics like sex. They glorify sleeping around and one-night stands without addressing the potential risks and consequences. The movies don't show you the life altering reality of a sexually transmitted infection (STI) or a disease like AIDS. They rarely talk about getting pregnant and having to deal with everything that comes with it. They don't tell you what it's like living on minimum wage because you had to drop out of high school (and the kid's father is long gone and not sending money), or spending your weekends tying diapers switch and take care of you a baby instead of cheering on your volleyball team, going to dances and just being a kid. We are free to choose our paths, but we cannot choose the consequences that come with them. Have you ever been to a water slide? You can choose which slide you want to go down, but once you slide, you won't be able to stop very well. You have to live with the consequences. . . until the end. A young Illinois girl shared this story: I had a bad year - my freshman year - when I did everything from alcohol, drugs, older guys, bad crowds, etc., mostly because I was frustrated and unhappy. It only lasted a year, but I'm still paying for those past mistakes. No one forgets and it's hard to grapple with a past you're not overly proud of. I have a feeling it will haunt me forever. All kinds of people still come up to my boyfriend and say, "I hear your girlfriend drinks and smokes and is loose." And such things. But probably the worst thing is the fact that every time I have a problem of any kind, I immediately think, "Maybe everything would be fine if I hadn't done that."
what about school What you do for your school education can also have a significant impact on your future. Krista's experience shows how well it pays to start your educational pursuits with the end in mind: As a junior in high school, I decided to take an Advanced Placement (AP) US history course. At the end of the year I would have the opportunity to take a national exam to qualify for college credit. It was difficult to keep up, but I was determined to do well in class and pass the exam. With this goal in mind, it was easy for me to fully commit myself. One task was particularly time-consuming. The instructor asked each student to watch a documentary about the Civil War and write a paper on each segment. The series lasted ten days and each segment was two hours long. As an active high school student, finding the time was difficult, but I did it. I submitted the report and found that I was one of only a handful of students to watch the series. The day of the exam finally came. The students were nervous and the air was thick. The test leader announced "Begins". I took a deep breath and broke the seal on the first section - multiple choice. With every question I gained confidence. I KNEW the answers! I finished the section a few minutes before hearing that I had finished Pencils Down. Next, we each wrote an essay. I nervously opened the seal on the essay book and quickly scanned the questions. I answered a question about the Civil War using references from my reading as well as from the documentary. I felt calm and confident as I took the exam. A few weeks later I received my score in the mail - I passed!
• WHO LEADS? Aside from standing at the crossroads of the most important decisions you will ever make, the other reason to visualize your future is that if you don't, someone else will do it for you. As Jack Welch, a former teenager and current businessman, put it, "Control your own destiny, or someone else will." "Who will?" You can ask. Could be anyone - friends, parents, the media. Want your friends to tell you what you stand for? You may have good parents, but would you like them to create the blueprint for your life? Your interests may be very different from yours. And what about the media? Do you want to adopt the values portrayed in video games, gossip blogs or television? By now you might be thinking, “I'll relax and worry about the future when it comes. I like to live in the moment and go with the flow.” I agree with the live in the moment part. We should enjoy the moment and not stick our heads too far in the clouds. But I disagree with the go-with-the-flow part. If you decide to just go with the current, you'll end up where the current is going, and sometimes it's straight downhill into a mud pile. You will end up doing what everyone else is doing, which may not be your goal at all. "The road to anywhere is really a life to nowhere," says a proverb. You have to decide which direction feels right for you. It really is never too early. Without our own goal in mind, we often follow anyone willing to take the lead, even in things that don't get us very far. It reminds me of an experience I once had at a 10k road race. Some other runners and I were waiting for the race to start, but no one knew where the starting line was. Then a couple of runners started running down the street as if they knew. Everyone, including me, started following. We just assumed they knew where they were going. After walking about a mile, we all suddenly realized that we were like a flock of stupid sheep following a dingus that had no idea where it was going. The starting line turned out to be right where we started. Never assume that the herd needs to know where they are going, as they usually don't.
A personal mission statement
So if it's so important to have an ending in mind, how do you do it? The best way I've found is to write a personal mission statement. A personal mission statement is like a personal credo or motto that expresses what your life is about. It's like the blueprint for your life. Countries have constitutions that work like a mission statement. And most companies, like Apple and Pepsi, have mission statements. But I think they work best with people. So why not write your own personal mission statement? Many youngsters have They come in all types and varieties. Some are as long as an entire Bible passage and some as short as a 140-character tweet. Some are poetry and some are rap lyrics. Some teens use their favorite quote as a guide. Others use an image or photo. Let me share with you some mission statements for teenagers. This first one was contributed by a teenager named Beth Haire:
First and foremost, I will always remain faithful to my God. I will not underestimate the power of family unity. I will not neglect a true friend, but I will also make time for myself. I will cross my bridges when I come to them (divide and conquer). I will face all challenges with optimism instead of doubt. I will always maintain a positive self-image and high self-esteem, knowing that all my intentions begin with self-evaluation.
June's mission statement comes from a quote from her favorite musician, Taylor Swift: "For me, Fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not completely fearless. For me, fearless means having fears. Fearless has doubts. Many of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of all the things that scare you to death.” Steven Strong shared this:
I met a North Carolina teenager named Adam Sosne who was familiar with the 7 Habits and excited about his future plans. Not surprisingly, he had a mission statement that he volunteered:
MISSION STATEMENT • • • • • • • • • • • •
Have faith in yourself and everyone else around you. Be friendly, polite and respectful to all people. Set achievable goals. Never lose sight of these goals. Never take the simple things in life for granted. Appreciate other people's differences and see their differences as a great advantage. Ask questions. Strive every day to achieve interdependence. Remember that before you can change anyone else, you must first change yourself. Speak with your actions, not your words. Take the time to help those less fortunate than yourself or those having a bad day. Read the 7 habits every day.
Read This Mission Statement Every Day What Can Writing a Mission Statement Do For You? Metric tons. Most importantly, it opens your eyes to what really matters to you and helps you make decisions accordingly. A 12th grader shared how writing a mission statement changed her life so much: During my junior year, I couldn't focus on anything because I had a boyfriend. I wanted to do anything for him to make him happy, and then of course the subject of sex came up - and I wasn't prepared at all for it and it became a nagging preoccupation in my head. I felt like I wasn't ready and didn't want to have sex — but everyone else kept saying, "Just do it." I then took a character development course at school, where they taught me to write a mission statement. I started writing and kept writing and adding things. It gave me direction and focus and I felt like I had a plan and a reason to do what I was doing. It really helped me stick to my standards and not do anything I wasn't ready for.
A personal mission statement is like a tree with deep roots. It's stable and not going anywhere, but it's also alive and growing. Standing like a tree with deep roots helps you survive all of life's storms that batter you. As you've probably noticed by now, life is anything but stable. Think about it. People are fickle. Your boyfriend loves you one minute and leaves you the next. One day you're someone's best friend and the next they're talking behind your back. Think of all the events that you cannot control. Your family has to move. Your mother loses her job. The country is at war. A family member dies. Fads come and go. Skinny jeans are popular one year and gone the next. Vampires are the thing. Vampires are overrated. As everything changes about you, a personal mission statement can be your ingrained tree that never moves. You can handle change when you have an immovable trunk to hold on to.
• DISCOVER YOUR TALENTS An important part of developing a personal mission statement is figuring out what you're good at. One thing I know for sure is that everyone has a talent, a gift, something they're good at. Some talents, like the singing voice of an angel, draw a lot of attention. But there are plenty of other talents that might not be as attention-grabbing, but are just as important, if not more important -- things like being a good listener, making people laugh, forgiving, drawing, or just being nice. Another truth is that we all blossom at different times. So if you're a late bloomer, relax. It may take a little longer to discover your talents.
After Michelangelo carved a beautiful sculpture, he was asked how he could create it. He replied that the sculpture was stuck in the granite block from the start; he just had to chisel away everything else around it. Likewise, Victor Frankl, a revered Jewish-Austrian psychiatrist who survived the death camps of Nazi Germany, taught that we don't invent our talents in life, we discover them. In other words, you are already born with your talents, you just have to discover them. I will never forget my experience of finding a talent I never thought I had. To fulfill Mr. Williams' creative writing assignment for freshman English, I excitedly turned in my first high school assignment, entitled The Old Man and the Fish. It was the same story my father used to tell me before bed growing up. I just assumed he made it up. He didn't bother to tell me that he stole the plot straight from Ernest Hemingway's award-winning novel The Old Man and the Sea. I was shocked when my paper was returned with the
remarks: “Sounds a bit trite. Like Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea.” “Who is this guy Hemingway?” I thought. "And how come he copied my dad?" That was my poor start to four years of rather boring high school English classes that I found about as exciting as a lump of dirt. It wasn't until college, when I took a short story class from a great professor, that I began to discover my passion for writing. If you can believe it, I even studied English. Mr. Williams would have freaked out.
The Great Discovery The Great DiscoveryI is a fun activity designed to help you get in touch with your deeper self as you prepare to write a mission statement. Answer the questions honestly as you go through. You can write your answers in the book or just think them through. When you're done, I think you'll have a much better idea of what inspires you, what you love to do, who you admire, and where you want your life to take you.
I. For additional worksheets from The Great Discovery, please call 1-800-952-6839.
Think of a person who changed your life for the better. What qualities does this person have that you want to develop?
Imagine being surrounded by the most important people in your life 20 years from now. Who are you and what do you do?
If a steel beam (6 inches wide) was placed across two skyscrapers, what would you be willing to cross for? thousand dollars? a million? your pet? Your brother? Fame? Think carefully. . .
Describe a time when you were deeply inspired.
List 10 things you enjoy doing. It could really be anything – web design, dancing, freestyle rapping, Pinterest browsing, ethnic food, daydreaming. . . anything you absolutely love to do! 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
If you could spend a day in a great library studying anything you want, what would it be?
In five years, a major news site will publish an article about you and interview three people close to you. Who are they and what should they say about you?
Think of something that represents you. . . a flower, a song, an animal. . . Why does it represent you?
If you could spend an hour with anyone who has ever lived, who would it be? Why this person? What would you ask her?
Good with numbers Good with words Creative thinking Athletics Moving things Identifying needs Mechanical Artistic Good working with people Memorizing things Making decisions Building things Accepting others Predicting what will happen Speaking Writing Dancing Listening Singing Humor Sharing music Trivia Everyone has a talent or skills. Which of the above are you good at? Or write down some that are not listed.
Start With Your Mission Statement Now that you've taken the time to review The Great Discovery, you're off to a good start in developing a mission statement. Below I have listed four simple methods to help you write your own mission statement. You might want to try one of them, or mix and match all four in any way you see fit. These are just suggestions, so feel free to find your own method. Method No. 1: The citation collection. Gather some of your favorite quotes. The sum of these quotes then becomes your mission statement. For some, great quotes are very inspirational. You put your feelings into words. Method #2: The Brain Dump. Write quickly about your mission for ten minutes. Don't worry about what comes out. Don't edit what you write. Just keep writing and don't stop writing. Put all your ideas on paper. If you get stuck, think about your answers to The Great Discovery. That should stimulate your imagination. When your brain has been sufficiently cleaned, take another twenty minutes to process, arrange, and understand your brain dump. The result is that in just 30 minutes you have a rough draft of your own mission statement that you created yourself. Then, over the next few weeks, you can edit, add to, or do anything else to make it inspire you. Method #3: The retreat. Plan a lot of time, e.g. Take a whole afternoon, for example, and go somewhere you love, where you can be alone and turn off your phone. Think carefully about your life and what you want to make of it. Check your answers to The Great Discovery. Check out the example mission statements in this book for ideas. Take your time and construct your own mission statement using whatever method you see fit. Method #4: The Big Lazy One. If you're really lazy, use the US Army's "Army Strong" recruiting slogan as your personal mission statement. (Hey, I'm just kidding.) A big mistake people make when writing a mission statement is that they spend so much time thinking about making it perfect that they never start. It is far better to write an imperfect rough draft and then improve on it over time and learn as you go.
Another mistake is trying to make your mission statements look like everyone else's. That does not work. Mission statements come in many forms - a poem, a song, a quote, an image, many words, a single word, a collage of images on Tumblr. There is no one right way! You don't write it for anyone but you. You don't write it for your English teacher and no one judges it. It's your secret document. So let it sing! The most important question to ask yourself is, “Does it inspire me?” If you can answer yes, you did it right. Once you've written it, put it in a place where you can easily access it, like in your phone or on your mirror. Then refer to it often or, even better, remember it. Here are two other sample mission statements for teens that vary widely in style and length: This one was written by Katie Hall. It's short, but to her it means everything:
MY MISSION STATEMENT
THE MISSION STATEMENT OF WHITNEY NOZISKA
- ABOUT THE WORLD - ABOUT LIFE - ABOUT PEOPLE - ABOUT ME
- ME - MY FAMILY - MY WORLD - KNOW - LEARN - LIVE
- FOR MY BELIEFS
- FOR MY PASSIONS - REACH - DO GOOD - BE LOYAL TO ME - AGAINST APATHY
- THE BOAT, DON'T LET THE BOAT ROCK ME - BE A ROCK
• THREE ATTENTIONS As you strive to begin with purpose and develop a personal mission statement, watch out for dangerous obstacles! Caution #1: Negative Labels. Have you ever felt negatively labeled by others? From your family, teachers or friends? “You East Side boys are all the same. Always in trouble.” “You're the laziest brother I know. Why don't you get up and do something for a change?" "There goes Lizzie. I heard she's such a stoner.” I'm sure your school has their own labels. At my school we had the Cowboys, the Nerds, the Airheads, the Pretty Boys, the Partyers, the Preppies, the It Girls, the Burnouts, the Jocks, the D-Wingers (you had to be there), and many more other groups. I was classified in the jock category. The term "jock" meant you play sports, are totally self-absorbed, and have a brain the size of a peanut. Labels are an ugly form of prejudice. Cancel the word prejudice and what do you get? Ta-da! Prejudice. When you tag someone, prejudge them; that means drawing conclusions about someone without knowing them. I don't know about you, but I can't take it when I'm judged unfairly by someone who doesn't know anything about me.
You and I are far too complex to neatly categorize like clothes in a
Department store, as if there were only a handful of different types of people in the world instead of billions of unique individuals. If you've been mislabeled, live with it. The real danger comes when you start believing the labels themselves, because labels are like paradigms. For example, if you've been labeled lazy and you start believing it yourself, it becomes a self-fulfilling belief. They act out the label. Remember, you are not your labels. Don't let other people's prejudices limit you. Caution #2: It's All Over Syndrome. Another thing to watch out for is when you've made a mistake or three and feel so bad about what you did that you say to yourself, "It's all over. I messed it up. Who cares what happens now?” At this point, you often start to self-destruct and let everything hang around. let me just say that It's never over. It seems that many teenagers go through a period of losing their composure and experimenting and doing a whole host of things that they are not proud of. . . almost as if they were testing the limits of life. If you made mistakes: congratulations, you are normal! Every teenager has. Every adult has. Just screw your head straight as soon as possible and you'll be fine. Promise.
In our quest to become more popular and be part of the "in-group", we so often lose sight of things that are far more important. . .
Warning #3: Wrong Wall. Have you ever worked really hard to get something you wanted, only to feel completely dissatisfied when you got it? In our quest to be more popular and be part of the "in-group," we so often lose sight of things that are far more important, like self-respect, genuine friendships, and peace of mind. We're often so busy climbing the ladder of success that we never take the time to see if our ladder is leaning against the right wall. Having no end in mind is a problem. But having a goal in mind that takes us in the wrong direction can be an even bigger problem. I once played football with a guy who was an amazing athlete. He had everything going for him including the fact that he was the team captain and had the ultimate toned physique. In every game, he wowed fans with heroic efforts and spectacular athletic performances. Fans praised his name, boys adored him, and women adored him. He had everything. Or so it seemed. You see, while he shone on the field, he didn't do it right off the field. And he knew it. And so did I, because I grew up with the guy. As his fame grew, I watched him stray from his principles and lose his direction. He won the high-fives of the crowd but compromised something else, much more important, his character. It doesn't matter how fast you drive or how good you look if you're going the wrong way. How can you tell if your ladder is leaning against the right wall? Stop, take a moment now and ask yourself, “Am I leading the life I'm living in the right direction?” Be
brutally honest when you stop and listen to your conscience, that inner voice. what does it tell you Our life doesn't always require a 180 degree change in direction. More often we only need small layers. But small changes can make big difference in goals. Imagine this: If you wanted to fly from New York to Tel Aviv, Israel, but wobble north one degree, you would end up in Moscow, Russia instead of Tel Aviv.
• GO FOR THE GOAL When you've accomplished your mission, you'll want to set goals. Objectives are specific and can help you break down your mission into bite-sized chunks. If your personal mission was to eat a whole pizza, your goal would be how you do it, piece by piece. Sometimes when we hear the word goals, we go on guilt. It reminds us what we should do and what we haven't done yet. But forget any mistakes you may have made in the past. Heed the advice of George Bernard Shaw, who said, "When I was a young man, I realized that nine out of ten things I did were failures. I didn't want to be a failure, so I worked ten times over.” Here are five keys to goal setting. KEY NO. 1: Count the Costs How often do we set goals when we're in the mood, but later realize we don't have the strength to push through? Why is this happening? That's because we didn't count the cost. Let's say you set a goal to get better grades in school this year. That's great. But now, before you start, count the costs. What will it require? For example, you need to spend more time on math and grammar and less time scouring the internet. You have to stay up a few nights. Finding more time to do schoolwork could mean watching less TV or staying home on a Friday every now and then.
Now that you've counted the costs, consider the benefits. What could good grades bring you? A sense of achievement? A scholarship to college? A good job? Now ask yourself, "Is that me?
ready to make the sacrifice?” If not, then don't do it. Don't make commitments to yourself that you know you're going to break because you're going to make withdrawals from your PBA. A better way is to make the target more bite-sized. Instead of setting a goal to get better grades in all grades, you could set a goal to get better grades in just two grades. Then take another bite next semester. Counting the costs always adds a touch of needed realism to your goals. KEY NO. 2: Write it down They say, “An unwritten goal is just a wish.” There are no ifs and buts, a written goal has ten times the power. A young woman named Tammy told me how writing down her goals helped her eventually choose the right person to marry. Tammy was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy named Tom for several years and felt trapped. They were codependent and she was miserable. One day, a visit from a trusted friend finally gave her the inner spark she needed to make a change. This is an excerpt from Tammy's journal when she was eighteen: Just yesterday I found enough strength and will to leave Tom and the environment I've been in for the last 2 1/2 years. I had to make a 180 degree change to find the inner strength to succeed. I got a picture of where I would be in five years and how I wanted to feel. I had a vision of being my own person, having the power to make good life choices, and most importantly, being in a good, healthy relationship with someone. I've come up with a list of qualities I want in a relationship and I think I'll write them down now for future reference.
Traits for a relationship/future spouse: 1. Respect 2. Unconditional love 3. Honesty 4. Loyalty 5. Will support me in my aspirations/goals in life 6. Righteous (spiritual nature) 7. Fun/good sense of humor 8. Makes me laugh every day 9. Makes me feel whole - not torn 10. Good father/good with children 11. Good listener 12. Takes time with me and wants the best for me in life Now, where i have this list documented i need to go somewhere for a glimpse of what the future may hold. It gives me hope when I read it and reminds me of a better way to live life.
Tammy later met and married a great man who fit her standards. Happy
endings happen. Don't settle for less. As Tammy found, there's something magical about writing down your goals. Writing forces you to be specific, which is very important in goal setting. As actress Lily Tomlin said, "I always wanted to be somebody. But I should have been more specific.” KEY NO. 3: Just do it! I once read a story about Cortés and his expedition to Mexico. With over five hundred men and eleven ships, Cortés sailed from Cuba to the Yucatán coast in 1519. On the mainland he did something no other expedition leader had thought of: he burned his ships. Cutting off all retreat, Cortés devoted his entire force and himself to the cause. It was conquer or bust. “There is a time for everything,” says the Bible. A time to say, "I'll try," and a time to say, "I'll do it." A time to make excuses, and a time to burn your ships. Of course there are times when we can only do our best. But I also believe that there is a time for that. Would you lend $2,000 to a business partner who said, "I'll try to give it back"? Would you get married if, when asked to take you as a legal wedded husband or wife, your partner said, "I'll try"? am i making sense I once heard a story about a captain and a lieutenant: "Lieutenant, would you please deliver this letter for me."
“I'll do my best, sir.” “No, I don't want you to do your best. I want you to deliver this letter.” “I will or I will die, sir.” "You misunderstood, Lieutenant. i don't want you to die I want you to deliver this letter.” Finally the lieutenant understood and said clearly, “I will do it, sir.” Once we are fully committed to a task, our power to accomplish it will increase. "If you do this thing," said Ralph Waldo Emerson, "you'll have the power." Every time I commit to a goal, I seem to unearth gold mines of willpower, skill, and creativity that I never thought I'd have. that I own them. If you get involved, you will always find a way. The following passage from writer W.H. Murray is one of my absolute favorites. It describes what happens inside when we say "I will". Until one commits, there is hesitation, the possibility of backing out, always ineffectiveness. There are
an elementary truth whose ignorance kills countless ideas and great plans, that the moment one finally commits oneself, providence kicks in. All sorts of things begin to happen that would otherwise never have happened and a whole series of events emerge from the decision that provokes all kinds of unforeseen incidents and material aids in our favor that no man would have dared to dream that they would have crossed his path. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's verses: Whatever you can do or dream, you can start it. Daring has genius, power and magic in it. In the words of Yoda, the great Jedi Master: "Do it or don't do it. There is no try.” KEY NO. 4: Use Momentous Moments Certain moments in life contain momentum and power. The key is to use those moments for goal setting. Things with beginnings and endings or beginnings and endings carry momentum. For example, a new year represents a beginning. Breakup, on the other hand, represents an end. I remember how sick I was after breaking up with my girlfriend after two years of relationship. But I also remember the excitement of realizing that I could now meet cool, new girls.
The following is a list of moments that can give you a boost as you set new goals: • A new school year • A life changing experience • Breakup • A new job • A new relationship • A second chance • Birth • Death • Anniversary • Triumph • Setback • Invention • Moving to a new city
• A new season • Graduation • Marriage • Divorce • A new home • A new haircut • A new day Often, tough experiences can bring momentum. Do you know the myth of the phoenix bird? After every 500 to 600 year lifespan, the beautiful phoenix would burn itself at the stake. From the ashes it would later rise, reborn. Similarly, we can regenerate from the ashes of a bad experience. Setbacks and tragedies can often serve as springboards for change. They motivate you and make you stronger. Learn to harness the power of key moments, setting goals and making commitments when you're in the mood. Also rest assured that the mood for it will pass. Holding on to it when you don't feel like it's the true test of your character. As someone once said, character is the discipline of following through with resolutions long after the spirit in which they were made has passed. KEY NO. 5: Rope Up My climber brother-in-law took me and a friend up the 13,776 foot Grand Teton once. It was terrifying! As we climbed, the mountain twisted vertically. At this point we have "roped down" or tied ourselves together with ropes to help us climb and save our lives if one of us falls. On two occasions this rope kept me from falling a thousand feet to my death. Believe me, I loved this rope like I've never loved a rope before. By helping each other and relying on the ropes, we finally reached the summit safely. You will achieve much more in life when you rope yourself in and borrow strength from others. Let's say you've made it your goal to get in top shape. Now think. How could you rope up? Well, maybe you could find a friend who has the same goal as you, and the two of you could train together and be each other's cheerleaders. Or maybe you could tell your parents about your goal and get their support. Or maybe you could join an online community with others trying to get in shape. Get creative. Connect with friends, brothers, sisters, boys or girlfriends, parents, counselors, grandparents, pastors, or whoever else you can. The more ropes you have out there, the greater your chances of success.
• GOALS IN ACTION When I was a sophomore in high school, I weighed 180 pounds. My brother David, a
Newbie, weighed a whopping 95 pounds. We were only a year apart, but I was twice his size. But David had a mountain of spirit and did incredible things to get where he wanted to be. Here's his story: I'll never forget trying out for the freshman football team at Provo High. At 5'10" and weighing just 90 pounds, I was even shorter than the stereotypical 98-pound wimp. I couldn't find any soccer gear that fit me; it was all too big. I got the smallest helmet they had but still had to glue three earpads together on each side to fit my head. I looked like a mosquito with a balloon on my head. I used to dread soccer practice, especially when we had to crack heads with the second graders. We used to stand facing each other about thirty feet apart, freshmen on one side and sophomores on the opposite side. When the coach whistles, you should hit your opponent until the whistle sounds again. I used to count the players in my row to see when it was my turn, and then I would count the players in the second row to see who had the privilege of teaching me to fly. It seemed that I always ended up getting the biggest, meanest sophomore as my opponent. "I am dead flesh," was my constant thought. I stood up, waited for the whistle and the next moment found myself flying backwards and upwards through the air. That winter I tried it out for the wrestling team. I wrestled in the 98 pound division. Despite weighing myself with all my clothes on after a big meal, I still haven't hit the scale of 98 pounds. In fact, I was the only guy on the team who didn't have to lose weight to wrestle. My brothers thought I was a good wrestler because, unlike football, it allowed me to compete with other men for my own weight. But to make a long story short, I got pinned in almost every match. In the spring I tried my hand at the race track. But as luck would have it, I was one of the slowest on the team. No wonder - you should have seen my pencil-thin legs. One day after running, I just couldn't take it anymore. "This is it," I said to myself. "I'm sick of this." That evening, in the privacy of my room, I wrote down some goals I wanted to achieve during high school. To be successful in my athletics, I knew I had to get bigger and stronger, so I set goals in those areas first. In my senior year, I set goals to be 6'1", weigh 180 pounds and bench press 250 pounds. In football, my goal is to be the wide receiver on the varsity football team. And on the track, my goal is to be an all-state sprinter. I also envisioned being a captain on both the football team and the track team. Lots of sweet dreams, don't you think? At that moment, however, I was staring in the face of reality. All 90 pounds of it. But I stuck to my plan from my freshman through my senior year. Let me illustrate. As part of my weight gain, I made a rule that my stomach would never be empty. So I ate all the time. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were just three meals in an eight-meal day. I struck a secret deal with Cary, the beginning varsity linebacker at Provo High, who was 6'1" and 235 pounds. He promised me that if I helped him with his Algebra II homework, he would allow me to have lunch with him every day to gain weight and protect myself. I was determined to eat the same amount as he did, so for lunch each day, I bought two lunches, three dairy, and four rolls. We must have been a hilarious sight together! I also took my Gain Weight Fast protein powder with my lunch. I would mix the disgusting powder into any of my milk mixes and almost puke every time I drank it. During my sophomore year, I began training with my good friend Eddie, who also longed to grow up. He added another requirement to my meal list: Ten full teaspoons of pure peanut butter and three glasses of milk every night before bed. We had to gain two pounds every week. If we hadn't "lost weight" on the official weigh-in day, we had to eat or drink water until then. My mom read an article that said that if a young child sleeps ten hours a night in a completely dark room and drinks two to three extra glasses of milk a day, they can grow an inch or two more than they normally would. I believed in it and followed it strictly. Eventually I had to reach my goal of six feet, and my father's height of five feet ten inches wasn't going to help me. "Dad," I said, "I want the darkest room in the house." I have it. Then I put towels under the door crack and over the window. No light would shine on me! Next, I set a sleep schedule: I went to bed around 8:45 p.m. and got up at 7:15 am. This secured me 101/2 hours of sleep. Eventually I drank as much milk as I could. I also started lifting weights, running and catching soccer. I exercised at least two hours every day. When Eddie and I worked out in the weight room, we would look at the XL shirts hoping that one day we would fill them up. At first I could only bench press 75 pounds, a little more than the bar. As the months went by, I began to see results. Small results. Slow results. But results. When I was a sophomore, I was five feet five inches and about 120 pounds. I had grown three inches and gained 30 pounds. And I was much stronger. Some days I felt like a lonely man against the whole world. I especially hated when people asked me, "How come you're so skinny? Why don't you just eat more?” I wanted to call back, “You idiot. Do you have any idea of the price I paid?”
In my junior year, I was 5'6" and 145 pounds. I continued with my weight gain program, running, lifting and skill development. In my running workouts, I make it a goal to never be lazy, even for a sprint. And I never missed an exercise, even when I was sick. Then suddenly the sacrifice really started to pay off. I got really big, really fast. In fact, I grew so fast I have stretch marks on my chest like I've been mauled by a bear. As I neared my senior year at Provo High, I had achieved my goal of being six feet tall and was just 5 pounds short of my goal of 180 pounds. I became a starting wide receiver on the varsity soccer team and was also elected team captain. My senior year in athletics was even more rewarding. Again, I was voted team captain, became the fastest sprinter on the team, and one of the fastest sprinters in the state. At the end of the year, weighing 180 pounds and benching 255 pounds, I was honored by the older girls in high school for Best Body, the award I loved the most. I did it! I really made it! I've achieved most of the goals I set for myself in my room that night years ago. Indeed, as Napoleon Hill wrote, "Whatever man's mind can conceive and believe man's hand can attain."
• TRANSFORMING WEAKNESSES INTO STRENGTHS Notice how David used the five keys to goal setting. He counted the costs, he wrote them, he teamed up with his friends, he set his goals in a momentous moment when he was sick of being a crab (sorry little brother), and he had the raw persistence of "just doing it." Well, I'm not advocating being body-centered like David was for a while. And I can't promise you that no matter how much milk you drink, you can find your way to growth. I'm just trying to demonstrate the power goals can play in your life. As David shared his story with me, I realized that being a ninety-pound wimp could have been a blessing in disguise. His apparent weakness (skinny body) actually became his strength (forced him to develop discipline and perseverance). People who lack the innate physical, social, or mental skills they desire must fight all the harder. And this uphill struggle can bring out qualities and strengths they couldn't develop any other way. This is how a weakness can become a strength. So if you're not endowed with all the beauty, biceps, money, or brains you desire - congratulations! You may have the better offer. This poem by Douglas Malloch says it well: The tree that never had to fight for sun and sky and air and light, but stood in the open plain and always got its share of rain, never became king of the forest, but lived and died shabby thing . . . Good wood does not grow easily, The stronger the wind, the stronger trees.
Make your life extraordinary
Life is short. This point is emphasized in the classic film Friday Night Lights. Coach Gary Gaines says of his team of struggling high school football players, “Being perfect has nothing to do with being on the scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect means being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didn't disappoint them because you told them the truth. And that truth is that you did everything you could. There was nothing more you could have done. Can you live in this moment as best you can, with clear eyes and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that, gentleman, then you are perfect!” Theologian Howard Thurman once said, “Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and do it, because what the world needs is people brought to life.” Seize the day! Carpe Diem! Make your life extraordinary! As you do this, remember that life is a mission, not a career. A career is a job. A mission is one thing. A career asks, "What's in it for me?" A mission asks, "How can I make a difference?" Martin Luther King, Jr.'s mission was to ensure civil rights for all people, regardless of race. Gandhi's mission was to liberate 300 million oppressed Indian citizens. Mother Teresa's mission was to clothe the naked and feed the hungry.
These are extreme examples. You don't have to change the world to have a mission. As educator Maren Mouritsen says, “Most of us will never do great things. But we can make small things great.”
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS You've heard of willpower. But have you ever heard of willpower? That's next!
Identify the three most important skills you need to be successful in your career. Do you need to be more organized, more confident speaking in front of others, have stronger computer programming skills?
The three most important skills I need for my career:
Reread your mission statement every day for 30 days (that's how long it takes to form a habit). Let yourself be guided in all your decisions.
Look in the mirror and ask, "Would I want to spend time with someone like me?" If not, work on developing the qualities you lack.
Go to your school counselor or employment counselor and talk about college or career opportunities. Or find an aptitude test online to help you assess your talents, skills and interests.
What is the most important crossroads you are facing in your life right now? What is the best way in the long run?
Key crossing I'm standing in front of:
The best way:
Share some of the questions about The Great Discovery's activities on your Facebook page or blog. See what your friends' answers are. Share yours too.
Think about your goals. did you write them down If not, make time for it. Remember, an unwritten goal is just a wish.
Identify a negative label that others may have given you. Think of a few things you can do to change this label. negative label:
How to change it:
I looked at the Indy 500 and figured if they went earlier they wouldn't have to go as fast. STEVEN WRIGHT, COMEDIAN
I listened to a speech that compared the challenges facing teenagers today to those of teenagers 150 years ago. I agree with most of what the speaker has said so far: “The challenge facing teenagers 150 years ago was hard work. The challenge teenagers face today is a lack of hard work.” Uh, ex-squeeze me! I mumbled to myself. A lack of hard work? What do you smoke? I think teenagers are multitasking more than ever. I see it with my own eyes every day. Between school, socializing, extracurricular activities, clubs, sports, part-time jobs, family and so on, there is hardly any time to breathe deeply. A lack of hard work? Ha! Milking cows and mending fences doesn't sound any harder than juggling the multifaceted life of a 21st-century teenager. Let's be honest. You have a lot to do and there just isn't enough time. After school there is rehearsal, then work. Tomorrow there will also be this bio test. And you need to text your boyfriend with relationship crisis advice. In addition, you should exercise. The dog needs a walk. And your room is a disaster. What will you do? Habit 3, first things first, can help. It's about learning to prioritize and manage your time so that your first things come first and not last. But there's more to this habit than just time management. Putting the most important things first can also help you overcome your fears and be strong in difficult moments. In habit 2 you decided what your first things are. So Habit 3 puts them first in your life. Sure, we can have a nice list of goals and good intentions, but implementing them is the hard part. That's why I call Habit 3 the Habit of Willpower (the strength to say yes to the most important things) and Willpower (the strength to say no to less important things and peer pressure). The first three habits build on each other. Habit 1 says, “You're the driver, not the passenger.” Habit 2 says, “Decide where you want to go and create a map to get you there.” Habit 3 says, “Now get going Path! Don't let roadblocks throw you off course.”
• PACK MORE INTO YOUR LIFE Have you ever packed a suitcase and realized how much more you can fit in if you neatly fold and organize your clothes instead of just tossing them in? It's really quite surprising. The same applies to your life. The better organized you are, the more you can pack—more time for family and friends, more time for school, more time for yourself, more time for those first things. I want to show you an amazing model called Time Quadrants that can help you pack more (especially important stuff). It consists of two main ingredients, "important" and "urgent".
Important – Your most important things, your first things, activities that contribute to your mission and goals. Urgent - Things that need to be done as soon as possible, intrusive things, activities that need immediate attention. In general, we spend our time in four different time quadrants as shown below. Each quadrant contains different types of activities and is represented by a type of person. The time quadrants
In case you haven't noticed, we live in a society addicted to urgency. It's the NOW generation. That's why we have internet on our phones, instant messaging, Instagram,
Crash diets, fast food, 140 character tweets and online shopping. It reminds me of Veruca Salt, the spoiled rich girl in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, who keeps saying, "Now, Daddy! Now! I want an oompa-lumpa now!” Urgent things aren't necessarily bad. The problem occurs when we are so focused on urgent things that we put off important non-urgent things, such as For example, working on that report ahead of time, taking a walk in nature, or making time to video chat with a long-distance friend. All of those important things get punctuated by urgent things like texts, emails, deadlines, and other "do it in your face this second" stuff. As we dig a little deeper into each quadrant, ask yourself, "Which quadrant do I spend the most time in?"
QUADRANT 1: The procrastination Let's start with Q1, things that are both urgent and important. There will always be Q1 things that we cannot control that need to be done, like helping someone who is ill or meeting a due date. But we also cause a lot of Q1 headaches because we procrastinate, like when we put off our homework and then have to cram all night for an exam, or when we neglect our bike for too long and then have to take it in for repairs. Q1 is part of life but if you spend too much time in Q1 trust me you will feel like a hot mess and rarely reach your potential. Meet the procrastinator hanging out in Q1. Maybe you know her. Her motto is, "I'll stop procrastinating—sometime soon." Don't expect her to work on a term paper or study for a test until the night before. And don't expect her to take time to get gas; She is usually too busy driving. The procrastinator is addicted to urgency. She likes to procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate. . . until it becomes a crisis. But she likes it that way because even though it's stressful, she gets it in a rush to get everything done at the last minute. In fact, their minds won't kick in until an emergency occurs. She thrives under pressure. Planning ahead is simply not an option for the procrastinator because it would ruin the excitement of getting everything done at the last possible moment. I can relate to the procrastinator because I was a cram artist in high school. I used to find it impressive not to study the whole semester and then study the night before and get a good grade. How stupid! Sure, I got my grades, but I didn't study and pay for it in college. In many ways I'm still paying for it. A procrastinating teenager put it this way:
“What I do is I slack off by the end of the semester and in the last two weeks I kill myself. When grades come out I get about 3.7 to 3.8 but I don't feel like I deserve it because everyone else turned in their stuff on time and is doing what they're supposed to. You are not stressed. That's how I want to be."
The consequences of spending too much time in Q1 are: • Stress and anxiety • Burnout • Mediocre performance
QUADRANT 2: The Prioritizer We'll save the best for last - I'll leave you on guard for now! QUADRANT 3: The Yes Man Q3 represents things that are urgent but not important. It is characterized by trying to please other people and accommodating to their every desire. This quadrant is deceptive because urgent, immediate things feel important. In fact, they often aren't. I mean how many times do you drop something to check your phone when the only text you get is from a friend who replies "k" or "lol" and that's it! Not really worth the break. Q3 is full of activities that are important to other people but aren't important to you—things you'd like to say no to but can't for fear of offending someone. Meet Q3's Yes Man, who has a hard time saying no to anything or anyone. He tries so hard to please everyone that he usually doesn't please anyone, including himself. He suffers from FOMO - fear of missing out. He can't stop imagining everyone having fun without him, so he tries to be a part of everything. He often gives in to peer pressure because he likes to feel popular and doesn't want to attract attention. His motto is
"Tomorrow I'll be more confident - if that's okay with you." When his friends unexpectedly stopped by one evening and wanted to ask him for a night drive, he just didn't have the courage to refuse. He didn't want to disappoint his friends. It didn't matter that he had a big test the next morning and had to study and get some sleep. He told his sister he would help her with math, but he couldn't resist being distracted by a texting marathon for most of the night. Even if it wasn't that important. He didn't really want to be on the swim team. He preferred graphic design. But his father was a swimmer and of course he didn't want to let him down. I think we all, myself included, have a little Q3 in us. But we won't achieve much if we say yes to everything and never learn to focus on what's important. Comedian Bill Cosby put it well: "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone." Q3 is one of the worst quadrants to be in as it has no backbone. It is fickle and blows wherever the wind blows. Spending too much time in Q3 leads to: • Feeling like a follower rather than a leader • Lack of discipline • Feeling like a doormat for others to wipe their feet on
QUADRANT 4: The Slacker Q4 is the category of waste and excess. These activities are neither urgent nor important. Meet the slacker hanging out in Q4. He loves everything in excess, like too much TV, too much sleep, too much PlayStation or too much time online. His favorite pastimes include regular naps and an entire TV series every weekend. He's a professional slacker. After all, sleeping in until noon requires real skill. School is of course the last thing on his mind and a summer job is out of the question. He'd rather, you know, just hang out. Yes, of course, chilling and watching online videos are part of a healthy lifestyle. Only when done in excess do they become a waste of time. You'll know when you cross that line. Watching the first episode of your favorite series could be just the thing for you
needs to relax, and that's okay. But then the second, third, or even fourth show (a repeat you've already seen five times) until 2am. turns a relaxing evening into a wasted one. The consequences of living in Q4 are: • Irresponsibility • Feelings of guilt • Limpness • Missing out on adventures
QUADRANT 2: The Prioritizer Now back to Q2. Q2 consists of things that are important but not urgent – like relaxing, making friends, exercising, planning ahead, and doing homework. . . punctual! It's the Quadrant of Excellence - the place to be. Q2 activities are important. But are Q2 activities urgent? No! And that's why we have trouble doing them. For example, getting a good summer job can be very important to you. But since it's weeks away and not urgent, you can put off looking on Craigslist until it's too late and suddenly all the good jobs are filled. Had you been in the second quarter, you would have planned ahead and found a better job. It wouldn't take any more time, just a little more planning. Get to know the prioritizer. While she's far from perfect, she basically nailed it. She looks at everything she has to do and then prioritizes to make sure her first things get done first and her last things last. Because she has a simple but powerful habit of planning ahead, she's usually on top of things. By getting her homework on time and writing papers a little ahead of time, she does her best work and avoids the stress and burnout that comes with cramming. She takes the time to move and renew, even if that means putting other things aside from time to time. The people who matter most in her life, like her friends and family, come first. Even though it's a fight, staying balanced is important to her.
She regularly changes the oil in her car. And she doesn't wait until she's on the brink to fill up. She takes time to relax but knows there is a time and place to let go. She has learned to say no with a smile. When her friends unexpectedly stopped by to go to a party one night, she said, "Nah, I have a big test tomorrow. How about Friday night? Then let's go outside.” Her friends agreed, secretly wishing they'd had the courage to hold on to their guns too. She has learned that resisting peer pressure may seem unpopular at first, but people respect her for it. The results of living in Q2 are: • Control of your life • Balance • High performance
So which quadrant do you spend most of your time in? 1, 2, 3 or 4? Since in reality we all spend some time in each quadrant, the key is to move as much time into Q2 as possible. And the only way to find more time for Q2 is to reduce the time you spend in the other quadrants. To do this, proceed as follows: Make Q1 smaller by deferring less. You will always have a lot to do in Q1. That's guaranteed. But if you can cut your procrastination in half by getting important things done early, you'll be in Q1 a lot less often. And less Q1 time means less stress! Say no to Q3 activities. Learn to say no to unimportant things that distract you from more important ones. Don't be so interruptible. Trying to please everyone is like a dog trying
to catch his tail. Remember, when you say no, you're really saying yes to more important things. Reduce Q4, casual activities. Don't stop doing these things, just do them less often. You have no time to lose. Shift to Q2 this time. You need to relax and sit back, but remember relaxation is Q2. Excessive relaxation is Q4. In addition to spending more time in the second quarter, consider two other suggestions that will help you better manage your time and put what matters first: Make a calendar and plan weekly.
• GET A PLANNER To start, I highly recommend getting a planner or calendar - on your computer, phone, paper, whatever works. Just somewhere where there is space to write down appointments, to-do lists and goals. There are some great apps for calendars, or if you want you can buy a paper planner or make your own out of a spiral bound notebook. Some of you may be thinking, “I don't want my life to be tied to a plan. I like my freedom.” If that's you, remember that a planner isn't meant to bind you, it's meant to set you free. With a planner, you no longer have to worry about forgetting things or double-booking. It will remind you when your papers are due and when tests need to be taken. You can keep all important information in one place instead of scattering it everywhere. A planner is not meant to be your master, but a tool to help you live your life. Plan Weekly Take a few minutes each week to plan your week and see the difference it can make. Why weekly? Because we think in weeks and because daily planning is too narrow and monthly planning too broad. Once you have some sort of planner, follow this three-step weekly planning process. Step 1: Identify Your Big Rocks. At the end or beginning of each week, sit down and think about what you want to accomplish for the week ahead. Ask yourself, "What are the most important things I need to get done this week?" I call these your big rocks. They are something like mini-goals and should be incorporated into your mission statement and longer-term goals. Unsurprisingly, you'll find that most of them will be Q2. You could come up with a list of big rocks that looks something like this: My big rocks for the week • Study for the chemistry test • Complete The Great Gatsby for English • Go to Carly's game • Complete summer job applications • Party at Anjalis • Training 3 times So how do you know which your big rocks are? Think about the key roles in your life—student, friend, family member, employee, individual, and what else you do, and then think of the one or two most important things you want to get done in each role. Planning your life around roles will help you stay balanced.
MY BIG ROCKS FOR THE WEEK
Start with the history report
Julio's Birthday Be free
Get a Mother's Day gift at the Call Grandma mall
Come to work on time
Go to Jayden's gig. Write in a journal every night
Research arguments exercise openings
Don't get carried away identifying your big rocks for the week. Even if you feel like you have forty big rocks to take care of, be realistic and focus on no more than seven to ten.
Step 2: Block time for your Big Rocks. Do you know the great rock experiment? You take a bucket and fill it half full with small pebbles. They then try to put several large rocks in the bucket, on top of the pebbles. But they don't all fit. So empty the bucket and start over. This time, put the big rocks in the bucket first, followed by the pebbles. The pebbles neatly fill in the gaps around the large rocks. Everything fits this time! The difference is in the order in which the stones and pebbles were placed in the bucket. If you put the pebbles in first, the big stones won't all fit in. But if you put the big rocks in first, everything fits, big rocks and pebbles. Large stones represent your most important things. Pebbles represent all the little everyday things that take up your time - like chores, texting, errands and interruptions, etc. Moral of the story? If you don't plan your big rocks first, they won't get ready.
During your weekly planning, block out time for your big rocks by putting them on your calendar. For example, you might decide that is the best time to start your story
Report is Tuesday evening and the best time to call your grandma is Sunday afternoon. Lock out these times now. It's like a reservation. If your big rock like "Give three compliments a day this week" doesn't have a specific time associated with it, write it down somewhere on your planner where it can be seen. If you make time for your big rocks to begin with, then the other everyday activities will fit in with it as well. And if not, who cares? They prefer to push aside pebbles rather than large rocks. Take care of her next week.
Step 3: Plan Everything Else. Once you've booked your big rocks, start planning all your other small tasks, daily tasks, and appointments. This is where the pebbles go. Note upcoming events and activities such as a vacation, a friend's concert, or a birthday. Adjust daily You'll probably need to rearrange some large rocks and pebbles every now and then. So adjust each day as needed. Try your best to follow your plan, but if you don't achieve everything you set out to do, it's no big deal. Even if you only get a third of your big rocks, that's a third more than you might have achieved without planning ahead. If this weekly planning method feels too rigid or complicated, don't ditch it entirely, just make an easy weekly planning. For example, you might only want to plan for two or three big rocks for the week, and that's about it. The point is, the simple act of planning ahead each week will help you focus on your big rocks and, consequently, accomplish so much more. Does it really work? Does this time management stuff really work? You bet it does. I have personally read numerous emails and letters from teenagers who have had great success with the above suggestions. Here are comments from two teenagers who were taught the time quadrants and started using a planner and making weekly schedules:
Jacob: I remember looking at the time quadrant diagram and saying, “Man, that's true. I do a lot of last minute things.” Like homework. If there was homework I would do on Sunday night to turn in on Monday, or if there was a test on Friday I would skip school on Thursday to study for my test. I was pretty much in crisis. After figuring out what was important to me, I started prioritizing and started using a planner. If I wanted to go fishing, I would say, “Well, the other is more important. I'll do that first and tomorrow I might have all day fishing.” Eventually I started studying more effectively, passed my tests with flying colors and everything just fell into place. My life would have been less stressful if only I had used my time more effectively sooner.
Brooke: My stress levels have decreased because I'm not constantly trying to remember what to do a few days in advance. Now I can just pull out my schedule and I'm done. When I'm in a bad mood and stressed, I look at my schedule and realize I still have time to get everything done, especially the things just for me.
One of the few things that can't be recycled is wasted time. So make sure you cherish every moment. In the words of Queen Elizabeth I on her deathbed, "All my possessions for a moment."
• THE OTHER HALF Time management isn't all that Habit 3 is about. It's only half of it. The other half learns to overcome fear and peer pressure. It takes guts and guts to stay true to your first things, like your values and standards, when you're under pressure. I once asked a group of children, "What are your first things?" Their responses included, "Family," "Friends," "Freedom," "Excitement," "Growth," "Trust," "God." , “stability”, “affiliation”, “appearance”. Then I asked, "What's stopping you from putting these things first in your life?" Unsurprisingly, "fear" and "peer pressure" were two of the most common answers. So we're going to talk about how we deal with it. The Comfort Zone and the Courage Zone Putting what matters first takes courage and often gets you out of your comfort zone. Take a look at the Courage and Comfort Zone chart.
Your comfort zone represents things you are comfortable with, your regular haunts, friends you are comfortable with, activities you enjoy doing. Your comfort zone is risk-free. It's easy. It doesn't cause you to stretch. Within these limits we feel safe and secure. On the other hand, things like making new friends, speaking in front of a large audience, or standing up for your values can totally freak you out. Welcome to the mute zone! Adventure, risk and challenge included! Here we find everything that makes us challenged (aka uncomfortable). Uncertainty, pressure, change, the possibility of failure await on this territory. But it's also where you can find opportunity, and the only place you'll ever reach your full potential. You'll never achieve it if you hang out in your comfort zone. That's for sure.
What did you ask? "What's wrong with enjoying your comfort zone?" Nothing. In fact, much of our time should be spent there. But it is absolutely wrong never to venture into uncharted waters. You know as well as I do that people who rarely try new things or spread their wings live safe but boring lives! And who wants that? "You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take," said hockey legend Wayne Gretzky. Why not show some confidence in yourself, take a risk and jump into your mut zone from time to time? Remember that risk-free living is the greatest risk of all.
We don't conquer the mountain, we conquer ourselves. EDMUND HILLARY (First climber of Mount Everest)
Never let your fears guide your decisions There are many sick emotions in this world, but perhaps one of the worst is fear. When I think about all the things I failed to accomplish in my life because my fears overwhelmed me, it hurts inside. In high school, I had a crush on a cool girl named Sherry, but I never asked her out because my fears whispered, "She might not like you." Left training because I was afraid of competition. I will never forget that I thought about running for student body office, but then took a step back because I was too scared to speak in front of the whole school. Throughout my life there have been classes I have never attended, friends I have
never made, and teams I've never played for - all because of those ugly but very real fears. I like how Shakespeare put it in measure for measure:
Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we could often gain by being afraid to try. My father once told me something that I have never forgotten. “Sean,” he said, “never let your fears guide your decisions. You make them.” That really stuck with me. Think of all the heroic deeds done by people who acted in the face of fear. Think of Nelson Mandela, who was instrumental in ending South Africa's oppressive apartheid system. Mandela was imprisoned for twenty-seven years (imagine that) for speaking out against apartheid before he was elected South Africa's first non-white president. What if he had never dared to fight the system out of fear? Or think of the unyielding courage of Susan B. Anthony as she led the long fight that eventually won women the right to vote under the US Constitution. Or think of Winston Churchill, Prime Minister of England during World War II, who led the free world in its fight against Nazi Germany. What if he'd been fainthearted in the war out of self-doubt? Surely all great, risky deeds, whether by celebrities or ordinary people, were done in the face of fear. Acting in the face of fear will never be easy, but afterwards you will always be glad you did. I was missing a few credits during my senior year of college, so I scanned the schedule, looking for something to fill the hours. When I came across "Private Voice Instruction" as in singing lessons, I thought, "Why not step out of my comfort zone and give it a try?" I made sure to sign up for private lessons rather than group lessons because I didn't want to make a fool of myself by doing sing in front of other students. All was going well until the end of the semester when my singing professor broke the shocking news. "By the way, Sean, have you decided which song you want to sing at the concert?" "What do you mean?" I asked in horror.
"Well, the class requirements say you have to sing in front of the other private students at least once." "That wouldn't be a good idea," I said firmly. "Oh, that's no big deal. You'll do fine.” Well, for me it was a big deal. The thought of singing in front of a group made me physically ill. "How do I get out of here?" I thought. But I couldn't afford that because over the past year I've spoken to various groups and advised them never to let fear guide their decisions. Now . . . I was ready to hit. "Courage, Sean." I kept rehearsing in my mind. "You must at least try." That dreaded day had finally come. As I walked into the "Room of Doom" where I was supposed to make my debut, I kept trying to convince myself, "Just relax, okay? It can't be that bad.” But it just kept getting worse. I became increasingly intimidated to discover that almost everyone in the room was either a music or drama student. I mean these people really knew how to sing. Since childhood they have performed in musicals and choirs. My fear only increased when the first student called sang a song from Les Misérables that sounded better than the audio track. The guy was amazing. But the class had the audacity to criticize him. "I think your tonality was a bit flat," someone said. "Oh no! What will they think of me?" "Sean, you're up." Now it was my turn. As I stood in front of the class, three million light-years out of my comfort zone, I kept repeating to myself, "Courage! "I'm going to sing 'On the Street Where You Live' from My Fair Lady," I shook accompanist started playing the prelude and all eyes fell on me, I couldn't help but think, "How? How on earth did I get into this situation?" looked like they actually took me seriously."I've walked down this street many times..." I rang the bell.
Even before I reached the second row, the students' excited faces turned to fear. I was so nervous my body felt as tight as a pair of jeans just pulled out of the dryer. I had to squeeze out every word.
There's a really high note coming towards the end of the song. It has always been difficult for me to achieve, even in practice. Now I awaited it with horror. But as that note approached, I thought, “What the heck. Do it!" I can't remember if I hit or missed that note. I only remember that some students were so embarrassed they couldn't even look at me. I finished and sat down quickly. Silence. Nobody knew what to say "That was great, Sean." "Thank you," I shrugged as if I believed them. But guess what? Even though this experience almost killed me, I was proud of myself as I left the classroom and walked alone across the empty parking lot to my car. I had a great sense of personal achievement and honestly I didn't care what others thought of my high grade. I had survived and was proud of it As gymnast and Olympic gold medalist Gabby Douglas put it, “The tough days are the best because that's when champions are made – so if you can push yourself, you can push anything!” So next time you: • make a new friend • resist peer pressure • break an old habit • develop a new skill • try out for a team • audition for a play • just ask each other • the job change, • get involved, • be yourself,
or even if you want to sing in public. . . Do it! . . . even when all your fears and doubts are screaming out loud, "You loser", "You will fail", "Don't try". Never let your fears guide your decisions. you make them Winning Is Getting Up Every Time You Fall We all get scared from time to time, and that's okay. "Feel the fear and do it anyway," says a proverb. One way I've learned to overcome fear is to always keep this thought in the back of my mind: Winning is nothing like rising up every time you fall. We should worry less about failure and more about the opportunities we miss if we don't even try. After all, many of the people we admire most have failed many times. For example, Babe Ruth struck 1,330 times. Albert Einstein didn't speak until he was four. Beethoven's music teacher said: "As a composer he is hopeless." Louis Pasteur was rated "mediocre" in chemistry. Rocket researcher Wernher von Braun failed algebra in ninth grade. Chemist Madame Marie Curie nearly experienced financial ruin before creating the field of nuclear chemistry and changing the course of science forever. Steve Jobs was fired from Apple after founding it and later returned to run the company and invent the iPhone. The first book by Dr. Seuss was rejected by twenty-seven publishers. Listed below are events in the life story of a man who failed many times but always fought back. See if you can guess who it is. This man: • failed in business at twenty-two • failed for the state legislature at twenty-three • failed in business at twenty-five • came to terms with the death of his mistress at age twenty-six • suffered a nervous breakdown at age twenty-seven • was born at age twenty-nine as Speaker defeated • was defeated for the congressional nomination at age thirty-four • was elected to congress at age thirty-seven • lost the congressional nomination at age thirty-nine • was defeated for the senate at age 46 • was elected to the vice presidency of the United States defeated at age 47 • and defeated for Senate at age 49 This person was none other than Abraham Lincoln, President-elect of the United States at the age of fifty-one. He rose every time he fell and eventually achieved his goal, earning the respect and admiration of all nations and peoples. Two paths diverged in a forest, and I - I took the less traveled one, And that made all the difference. ROBERT FROST POET
Be strong in the tough moments The poet Robert Frost wrote, "Two paths parted in a forest, and I - I took the less traveled one, and that made all the difference." I've come to believe that there are certain tough moments There are moments when we embark on divergent paths that, if we are strong in them, will make "all the difference" along the path of life. What exactly are hard moments? Difficult moments are conflicts between what is right and what is easier. They are the key tests, the defining moments of life - and how we deal with them can literally shape our eternity. They come in two sizes, small and large. Small hard moments occur daily and include things like getting up when the alarm goes off early, maintaining the temper, or having the self-discipline to get the homework done. If you can overcome yourself and be strong in those moments, your days will go so much smoother (plus, you won't have to fret about it anymore). For example, if I'm weak in a tough moment and have a late sleep (mattress over my head), it often hits and becomes the first of many small failures throughout the day. But if I get up as planned (mind over mattress), that is often the first of many small successes. As opposed to small hard moments, bigger ones happen every once in a while in life and include things like surrounding yourself with good friends, resisting negative peer pressure, and recovering from a major setback: you may be left out of a team or you may walk away from your first love , your parents may get divorced or you have a death in the family. These moments have tremendous consequences and often arrive when you least expect them. When you realize that those moments are coming (and they will), then you can prepare and face them head-on like a warrior and emerge victorious. Be brave at these crucial points! Don't sacrifice your future happiness for a night of fun, an exciting weekend, or an exciting moment of revenge. If you ever think about doing something really stupid, remember these lines from Shakespeare (Wow! Shakespeare twice in one chapter): What do I gain if I get what I'm looking for? A dream, a breath, a foam of fleeting joy. Who buys a minute of hilarity to whine for a week? Or sold eternity to get a toy? For a sweet grape, who will the vine destroy? These lines are about sacrificing your future for a brief moment of joy. Who would want to sacrifice the rest of their life for a toy? Or who would want to buy a minute of happiness (cheer) for a week of pain? Or who would destroy a whole vine for just one grape? Only a stupid person would.
Overcoming Peer Pressure Some of the most difficult moments come when you're facing peer pressure. Saying no when all your friends say yes takes raw courage. However, when you resist peer pressure, what I call "desire power" is a massive deposit into your PBA. A high school counselor shared this: A freshman girl burst into my office in front of the school, tears streaming down her face. "You hate me! You hate me!" She had just been dumped by her group of friends, who had told her to go away because the day before she had been "too good" to skip school and go to Chicago for the day. She first said she wanted to go, but then thought how upset her mother would be if the school called home and told her her daughter was not at school. She felt like she just couldn't do this to her mother because she had made so many sacrifices for her. She couldn't let them down! She got up and said no I can't do this and everyone just blew her mind. She thought everything would be fine the next day, but it wasn't - everyone was telling her to make new friends because she was too good for them. Through the tears and pain, she began to see that she felt good inside, but lonely because her friends didn't accept her. But she accepted herself and, despite external rejection, gained self-respect and inner peace. A life lesson learned and a moment to stand up for herself.
Sometimes peer pressure can be so strong that the only way to resist it is to completely remove yourself from the environment you are in. This is especially the case when one is involved in a gang, a fraternity or sorority, or a close-knit group of friends. For Heather, changing her environment was the best solution: although I've known for a long time that I needed to change my friends, I just didn't know how. My "best friend" encouraged me to do the things she was like sleeping around and doing drugs. Soon people at school started just calling me.
I still wanted to be friends with her and my other friends because I would think of all the good times we had together. But when I went out with them at night, we got into things that we shouldn't. I knew I was holding on to things I shouldn't be. I decided that I needed to change my entire environment and get away from it all. I asked my mother if I could go and stay with my aunt to make a fresh start and find a better circle of friends. She agreed and since then I've moved in with my aunt. Now with my new friends I say what I think is right and I'm more myself. I don't care what people say about me and if they don't like me then well! That's me, and I won't change just to fit in with them. I will change for me
To overcome peer pressure, you need to care more about what you think of you than what other people think of you, as this short poem by Portia Nelson reminds us: Any day of the week, I would choose who I was with "out" am others
and in touch with myself. . . than being "in" with others and not having contact with myself. Why is peer pressure so hard to resist? That's because sometimes you just want to fit in. Because of this, teenagers are often willing to undergo brutal bullying rituals in order to become a member of a club, fraternity, or sorority. Some get into drugs and violence to join a gang. Some feel they have to curry favor with certain people to be popular, and then dump their old friends on the way up the social ladder. Sometimes you may need to take a risk, resist peer pressure and do the right thing. Jon from Brooklyn shared this story: Some of my sophomore friends started a page on Facebook about hating a named girl in our class. It was really awful - they made memes out of their photos and wrote horrible messages about them. There was really no reason for it, she was just kind of an outsider and people took it so out of hand it wasn't even funny. Some of my friends urged me to participate, but I simply refused. Eventually I anonymously reported the group for hate speech and it was shut down. I knew it was the right thing. I also told the principal, without naming names, that some people in the class were cyberbullying and we had a meeting about it. I was afraid of having to face everyone at school the next day, but no one knew it was me who did it. In fact, I went upstairs and spoke to the girl in math class just to get to know her a little and let her know she wasn't alone. Turns out she's a really cool, nice person. We've been friends ever since and she still doesn't know that it was me who stopped the cyberbullying.
• THE GOOD KIND OF PRESSURE Not all peer pressure is bad. In fact, much of it can be very good. When you find a friend who puts positive pressure on you to do your best, hold on to him or her because you have something very special—someone who has your back. If you find yourself wanting to get up but instead constantly give in to peer pressure, here are two things you can do. First, create your PBA (Personal Bank Account). If your confidence and self-esteem are low, how can you expect to have the strength to resist? What can you do? You can start building your PBA step by step today. Make a promise to yourself and keep it. Help someone in need. develop a talent Renew yourself. Eventually you will have enough strength to go your own way instead of following the trodden ones. (You might want to review the chapter on the personal bank account.) Second, write your mission statement and set goals. If you haven't decided on your values yet, how can you expect to stand up for them? It will be much easier to say no when you know what goals you are saying yes to. For example, it's easier to say no to tuition shrinkage when you say yes to your goal of getting good grades and making it through college. (You may want to review the chapter on Habit 2, Start with the End in Mind.)
• THE COMMON PART OF SUCCESS Ultimately, putting what matters first takes discipline. It takes discipline to manage your time. It takes discipline to overcome your fears. It takes discipline to be strong in the difficult moments and to resist peer pressure. A man named Albert E. Gray spent years studying successful people to find out what special ingredient made them
everything successful. What do you think he found? Well, it wasn't about dressing for success, eating Greek yogurt, or having a positive mental attitude. Instead he found the following. Read it carefully. Albert E. Gray's Common Denominator of Success: All successful people have a habit of doing things failure doesn't like. They don't necessarily like doing them either. But their dislike is secondary to the strength of their purpose. What does that mean? It means successful people are willing to swallow it from time to time and do things they don't enjoy doing. Why are they doing them? Because they know that these things will lead them to their goals.
In other words, sometimes you just have to use your special human tool called willpower to get things done whether you want to or not. Do you think a concert pianist enjoys practicing for hours every day? Does someone who wants to earn their studies themselves like to take on a second job? I remember reading a story about an all-American college wrestler who was asked what the most memorable day of his career was. He replied that it was the one day in his career that training had been cancelled. He hated practicing but was willing to put up with it for a greater purpose, his love of being the best he could be.
• A FINAL WORD We've asked thousands of people about the 7 Habits and guess which one is the hardest to live? You guessed it! It's habit 3, so don't get discouraged if you're struggling with it. You have company.
If you don't know where to start with Habit 3, go to small steps. That's what they're there for - to help you get started. Your teenage years can be some of the most exciting and adventurous years of your life. So cherish every moment, as this poem so beautifully conveys: To see the value of One Year, ask any student who failed his or her AP exams. To see the value of "one month," ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. To see the value of One Week, ask any weekly magazine editor. To see the value of One Day, ask a day laborer who has six children to feed. To see the value of One Hour, ask the lovers waiting to meet. To see the value of One Minute, ask a person who missed their train. To see the value of One Second, ask the person who survived an accident. To understand the value of a millisecond, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS A little before that, we'll talk about the stuff of life. I think you'll be surprised what that stuff is. So keep moving! By the way, you're halfway through the book. Congratulations!
Do a search and get a planner app on your tablet or smartphone to get organized. Try it for 30 days before you judge it.
Identify your biggest time wasters. Do you really need to spend two hours checking other people's Instagrams or playing video games? My biggest time wasters: ..........................
Are you a pleaser, someone who says yes to everything and everyone? If so, have the courage to say no today if it's the right thing to do.
If you have an important test in a week, don't hesitate and wait until the day before to study. suck it up; learn a little every day.
Think of something that you have put off for a long time but is very important to you. Take time this week to get it done. Article I put off forever: ............................
Jot down your seven most important Big Rocks for the coming week. Now block the time on your calendar to get each one done.
Identify a fear that is holding you back from achieving your goals — it could be fear of a person, fear of emotions, or fear of being hurt. Decide now to get out of your comfort zone and stop letting this fear overwhelm you.
Fear holding me back: ........................
How much does peer pressure affect you? Identify the person or people who have the greatest impact on you. Ask yourself, "Am I doing what I want to do or what they expect me to do?"
Person or persons who influence me the most: ..................................
The Public Victory
The relationship account The stuff of which life is made
Habit 4 - Think win-win life is an all-you-can-eat buffet
Habit 5 – Understand before being understood You have two ears and one mouth. . . Hello!
Habit 6 - Synergize the "high" way
The Relationship Bank Account THE STUFF OF LIFE
One of my favorite quotes, which by the way always makes me feel bad, is: "No one on their deathbed has ever wished they had spent more time in the office." I've often asked myself, "What would they have liked to have spent more time doing?" I think the answer might be, "Spend more time with the people you love." You see, it's all about relationships, the stuff that life is made of. What is it like being in a relationship with you? If you had to rate how well you are doing in your most important relationships, how would you rate it? HOW ARE YOUR RELATIONS WITH . . . Your friends? Your siblings? Your parents or guardians? your girlfriend or your boyfriend? your teachers?
LAUSIG 1 1 1 1 1
EXCELLENT 2 2 2 2 2
3 3 3 3 3
4 4 4 4 4
5 5 5 5 5
Maybe you're fine. Maybe not. Either way, this chapter is designed to help you improve these key relationships. But before we go there, let's quickly recap where we just came from. In Private Victory we learned about the personal bank account and Habits 1, 2, and 3. In the Public Victory section, we learn about the Relationship Bank Account and Habits 4, 5, and 6. As we've already done As mentioned earlier, the key to mastering relationships is mastering yourself, at least to some extent. You don't have to be perfect; You just have to make progress.
Life's most pressing question is: What are you doing for others? MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
Why is success with yourself so important to success with others? That's because the most important ingredient in any relationship is who you are. As essayist and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, "Whoever you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying." In many cases, if you're struggling in your relationships, you probably don't have to go much further than yourself search for the answer yourself. Private victory will help you become independent, so you can say, "I am responsible for myself and I can create my own destiny." That is a tremendous achievement. The Public Victory will help you become interdependent, that is, help you learn to work cooperatively with others so that you can say, "I'm a team player and I have the power to influence and inspire people." This is an even greater achievement. In short, your ability to get along with others will largely determine how successful you are in your career and your level of personal happiness. Now back to the subject of relationships. Here's a handy way to think about it. I call it the Relationship Bank Account (RBA). In a previous chapter, we talked about your Personal Bank Account (PBA), which reflects the level of trust and confidence you have in yourself. Similarly, the RBA represents the level of trust and confidence you have in each of your relationships. The RBA is very similar to a checking account at a bank. You can deposit and improve the relationship or withdraw and weaken it. A strong and healthy relationship is always the result of steady payments over a long period of time. While there are similarities, the RBA differs from a financial account in three ways, as a colleague, Judy Henrichs, once told me:
1. Unlike a bank where you might only have an account or two, you have an RBA with everyone you meet. Suppose you meet a new kid at school. If you smile and say hello, you've just opened an account with him. If you ignore it, you've just opened an account too, albeit a negative one. There's no way around it. 2. Unlike a checking account, once you open an RBA with someone else, you can never close it again. That's why you can meet a friend you haven't seen in years and pick up right where you left off. Not a dollar is lost. This is also the reason why people hold grudges for years. 3. In a checking account, ten dollars equals ten dollars. In an RBA, deposits and withdrawals are not created equally. It usually takes a lot of deposits to clear a withdrawal. A subtle but demeaning comment like "I didn't know you could fit a size 4" can destroy weeks of deposits. So be careful when you open your mouth. So how do you build a rich relationship or mend a broken one? It's easy. One deposit after another. It's the same way you would eat an elephant if you had to. One bite after the other. There is no quick fix. If my relationship with you is $5,000 in the hole, I'll have to make $5,001 worth of deposits to get it back into positive.
I once asked a group of teenagers, “What is the strongest deposit anyone has made into your RBA?” Here are some of their responses: • “The steady stream of deposits from my family that empowers me.” • “When a friend, teacher, loved one, or employer takes the time to say, 'You look good' or 'Well done'. A few words are enough.” • “My friends made me a banner for my birthday.” • “Show me off to others.” • “When I've made mistakes, forgive, forget, help, and love.” • "My friend, after reading some poems I had written, told me that I was brilliant and that I should write a book. It was difficult to even share some of them.” • “My mom and my two sisters called from California to wish me a happy birthday before I went to school.” • “My brother always has me with his friends taken to hockey games.” • “Little things.” • "I have four really good friends, and just being friends and knowing we're all doing well and happy keeps me going." • "Every time Chris says 'Hi, how are you, Ryan?' says I feel as encouraged as he does.” • “I had a friend who told me he thought I was very sincere and always myself. It meant a lot that someone would recognize that. As you can see, there are many types of deposits, but here are six that seem to work every time. Of course, with every deposit there is an opposing payout. RBA DEPOSITS
Do small gestures of kindness
Keep it to yourself
Breaking gossip and intimacy
talk too much
say you're sorry
You are arrogant
Set clear expectations
Set false expectations
• KEEPING A PROMISE “Sean, I don't want to ask you again. There are garbage bags in the trunk of my car from the party the other night. Please throw them out.” “Okay, Dad.” As a carefree teenager, I kind of forgot to empty the garbage bags in Dad's Ford as I promised because I had a hot date that Saturday afternoon. I had asked my father if I could use the Ford but he said no because it wasn't his car. It was a rental car that his friend had arranged at the dealership. But I took it anyway because he was busy and I was sure he wouldn't notice. The date was great and I felt great. On the way home, however, I hit the back of a car that was doing thirty. No one was seriously injured, but both cars almost collided. I will never forget the most miserable phone call of my life. "Father." "What?" "I had an accident." "YOU WHAT? ARE YOU OK?" "I got into a wreck. Nobody's hurt.” “IN WHICH CAR?” “Your car.” "NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" At this point I was holding the phone six inches away. And it still hurt. I had the car towed to the Ford dealership to see if they could salvage it. Since it was Saturday, they told me they couldn't work on it until Monday. On Monday my father received a call from the workshop. The manager said that when his people opened the trunk to fix the car, the smell of rotting garbage (the garbage I forgot to empty) was so disgusting that they refused to work on the car. If you thought my father was crazy before, you should have seen him then. I spent the next few weeks in the kennel. It wasn't just the crash he was so angry about. He was angry because I broke two promises: "I'm not taking your car, Dad" and "Don't worry, Dad. I'll take the junk out of the trunk.” It was a huge retirement and it took me a long time to rebuild my RBA with my dad.
Keeping small promises and promises is critical to building trust. You just have to do what you say - otherwise don't say you will do it. If you tell your mom you'll be home at 11 a.m. or that you'll do the dishes, do it and leave a deposit. Make promises sparingly, then do whatever you can to keep them. If you find that for some reason you can't keep a commitment (it happens), then let the other person know why. "Aaah sis, I'm really sorry I can't come to your play tonight. I didn't know that later I would have soccer. Promise me I'll be there tomorrow!” If you are sincere and try to keep your promises, when something else comes up, people will understand. If your RBA is low with your parents, try to build it up by honoring your commitments. When your parents trust you, things go much better at home. But I don't think I need to tell you what you already know.
• DO SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS
Have you ever had a day when everything went wrong and you felt totally down? . . and then suddenly, out of nowhere, someone says something nice to you and it changes your whole day? Sometimes the smallest things - a "hello", a smile, a compliment, a hug, a funny message from a friend - can make such a big difference. If you want to build friendships, start with the small things, because in relationships, the small things are the big things. As Mark Twain put it, "I can live on a good compliment for three months." A friend of mine, Renon, once told me about a $1,000 deposit that her brother placed on her
A kind word can warm three winter months. JAPANESE PROVERB When I was in the ninth grade, my big brother Hans, who was a middle school student, struck me as the epitome of popularity. He was good at sports and went out a lot. Our house was always full of his cool friends, guys I dreamed of one day thinking of me as more than just "Hans' stupid little sister". Hans asked Rebecca Knight, the most popular girl in school, to go to junior prom with him. she accepted. He rented the tuxedo, bought the flowers, and along with the rest of his popular clique, rented a limousine and made reservations at a fancy restaurant. Then disaster struck. On the afternoon of prom, Rebecca came down with a terrible flu. Hans didn't have a date and it was too late to ask another girl. Hans could have reacted in different ways, e.g. B. getting angry, feeling sorry for himself, blaming Rebecca, even choosing to believe that she really wasn't sick and just didn't want to go with him, which he would then have to believe he was a loser. But Hans decided not only to be proactive, but to give someone else the night of their lives. He asked me - me! his little sister! - to go to his prom with him. Can you imagine my ecstasy? Mom and I flew around the house getting ready. But when the limousine pulled up with all his friends, I almost freaked out. What would you think? But Hans just grinned, gave me his arm and proudly escorted me to the car like I was the prom queen. He didn't warn me not to act like a kid; he didn't apologize to the others; He ignored the fact that I was wearing a simple piano gown with a short skirt while all the other girls were in elegant evening wear. I was mesmerized by the dance. Of course I spilled punch on my dress. I'm sure that Hans bribed every one of his friends to dance at least one dance with me because I never once sat out. Some of them even pretended to fight over who got to dance with me. I had the best time. And Hans too. While the boys danced with me, he danced with their dates! The truth is everyone was wonderful to me all night and I think part of the reason was that Hans chose to be proud of me. It was the dream night of my life and I think every girl at school fell in love with my brother who was cool enough, kind enough, and confident enough to take his little sister to his prom.
If, as the Japanese proverb says, "one kind word can warm three winter months," think how many winter months have been warmed by that one kind act. You don't have to look far to find opportunities for small acts of kindness. A young man named Lee who was tutored on the RBA shared this: I am the junior class president at my school. I decided to try the small deposit I learned about by putting a simple note in the boxes of only the student body officials I didn't know well. I told them I appreciate their work. It took me about five minutes to write them down. The next day, one of the girls I texted came up to me and abruptly hugged me. She thanked me for the message and handed me a letter and a candy bar. The note said she'd had a terrible day. She was very stressed and very depressed. My little note had turned her upside down all day and helped her happily accomplish the things that had given her so much grief. The strange thing was that I hardly knew her when I gave her the note and I was sure that she didn't like me anyway because she had never really paid attention to me. What a surprise! I couldn't believe how much a simple note meant to her.
Small gestures of kindness don't always have to be one-to-one. You can also team up with others to make a deposit. I remember reading about a deposit the kids at Joliet Township Central High School near Chicago made on the life of an unsuspecting teenager named
Lori as they crowned their homecoming queen. Unlike most students at Joliet, Lori had a disability and moved around school in a motorized wheelchair. Because of her cerebral palsy, her words were often difficult to understand and her movements restless. Everyone at school knew her to be super sweet and friendly. After being nominated for Homecoming Queen by students at Business Professionals of America, Lori made the first cut when the students narrowed the list down to ten. At a pep rally shortly after, it was announced that she had won. The entire student body of 2,500 began chanting, “Lori! Lori!” A day later, they were still grinning at people in the hallways and leaving roses by their locker. When asked how long she plans to wear her crown, Lori replied, "Forever."
Follow the Golden Rule and treat others as you would like them to treat you. Think about what a deposit means to someone else, not what you would want as a deposit. A nice gift can be a down payment for you, but a listening ear can be a down payment for another person. If you ever have something nice to say, don't just let that thought rot, say it. As Ken Blanchard wrote in his book The One Minute Manager, "Good thoughts unspoken are not worth squatting down on." When you're unsure about approaching someone, just think how good it can be will receive a compliment. Don't wait until people are dead to give them flowers.
• BE LOYAL As a junior in high school, I will never forget going to a high school basketball game with my friend Eric. I started making fun of one of the players who was always on the bench. He was a nice guy and had always been good to me, but a lot of other people made fun of him, so I figured I'd do the same. It made Eric laugh. After dissing this kid for a few minutes, I happened to turn around and to my horror saw this kid's younger brother sitting right behind me. He had overheard everything. I will never forget the look of betrayal on his face. I turned around quickly and sat quietly for the rest of the game. I felt like a total idiot about a foot tall. I learned an important lesson about loyalty that night! One of the biggest RBA deposits you can make isn't just about being loyal to other people
when they are there, but especially when they are not there, when they are not present. Talking behind people's backs only hurts you in two ways. First, make withdrawals from everyone who hears your comments. If you hear me screwing over Ethan when Ethan isn't there to defend himself, what do you think I'll do when you're not around? That's right, I can gossip about you too. Second, when you badmouth or gossip, you are making what I call an "invisible retreat" from the person you are attacking. Have you ever felt someone ravage you behind your back? You didn't hear it, but you can feel it. It's strange but true. If you talk to people when they're facing you but talk to them when their back is to you, don't think they won't feel it. It's communicated somehow. Gossiping is a big problem among teenagers, stereotypically among girls, but men do it too – everyone does it. Guys often prefer other attack methods (we call them fists), but girls seem to stick to words. Why is clapping so popular? For one thing, you're holding someone's reputation in your hands, and that's a powerful feeling. On the other hand, we gossip because we are insecure, afraid or threatened. That's why gossips usually like to pick on people who look different, think differently, are confident, or stand out in some way. But isn't it a little silly to think that tearing someone down builds you up? Gossip is rampant online. You see photos of what everyone is up to and easily feel jealous or left out. It can evoke a desire to tear other people down. Gossip and rumors have probably destroyed more reputations and relationships than any other bad habit combined. This story, told by my friend Annie, illustrates her toxic power: The summer after high school, my best friend Tara and I were dating two really cool guys. They were best friends, we were best friends, so we all went out together. One weekend, Tara and my friend Sam were driving out of town with their families. Tara's friend Will texted me and said, "Hey, let's go to the movies since Tara and Sam are out of town and we don't have anything to do." We really just went out as friends — Will knew that and I knew das. Of course someone saw us in the cinema and misinterpreted the situation. Well, in a small town things tend to grow. By the time Tara and Sam got back and before I had a chance to talk to my best friend or boyfriend, photos of us together were circulating. There was no retracting the stories and rumours. When I called to say hello, I was greeted with a cold blast of arctic air. There was no explanation. There was no communication. My best friend and my boyfriend chose to believe that the pictures of us somehow proved that Will and I were cheating on them. I learned a really hard lesson about loyalty this summer that I have never forgotten or even overcome. And to this day my once best friend still won't talk to me.
In the catastrophe described above, it seems to me that a little loyalty and trust would have solved many problems. So what makes a loyal person? Loyal people keep secrets. When people share something with you and ask you to keep it "just between you and me," then for heaven's sake keep it "just between you and them," instead of running out and telling every juicy detail to every soul on Gchat if you have no control over your bodily functions. If you like being told secrets, keep them secret and you will get more of them. Loyal people avoid gossip. Have you ever hesitated to leave a party because you were afraid someone might start gossiping about you? Don't let others think that about you. Avoid gossip like the plague. Think well of others and give them the benefit of the doubt. That doesn't mean you can't talk about other people, just do it in a constructive way. Remember, strong minds talk about ideas; Weak minds talk about people. Loyal people stand up for others. The next time a group starts gossip about another person, either refuse to gossip or speak up for that person. You can do that without it
sound self righteous. Katie, a high school student, shared this story: One day in my English class, my friend Matt started talking about a girl I knew in my neighborhood, even though we had never been close friends. His friend had taken her to a dance, so he started saying things like "She's such a snot" and "She's such a nut". I turned around and said, "Sorry, but Kim and I grew up together and I think she's one of the sweetest people I've ever met." Having said that, I was a little surprised at myself. Me actually had trouble getting along with her. Although Kim never knew what I said about her, my attitude towards her changed and we became really close friends. Matt and I are still good friends. I think he knows he can count on me as a loyal friend.
Avoiding gossip takes courage. But after the initial discomfort it can make you, people will admire you. They will realize that you are loyal to the core. I would make a special effort to be loyal to your family members as these relationships will last a lifetime. As so well in A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh classic, people need to feel safe and secure in relationships: Piglet snuck up behind Pooh. "Phew," he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pu's paw. "I just wanted to be sure."
• LISTENING Listening to someone can be one of the biggest deposits you can make into someone else's RBA. Why? Because not enough people listen these days, listening can heal wounds, as in the case of this 15-year-old named Tawni:
At the beginning of the year I had communication problems with my parents. They didn't listen and I didn't listen. It was one of those "I'm right and you're wrong" things. I was late and just went to bed, and in the morning I ate breakfast and went to school and said nothing. I went to my cousin, who is older than me and in her twenties, and said, "I need to talk to you." We drove across town to be alone. She listened to me freaking out and crying and screaming for two and a half hours. She really helped me a lot because she just listened to everything. She was optimistic that everything would be fine and suggested that trying to regain my parents' trust might help. I've been trying to see things from her perspective lately. We don't fight anymore and things just keep getting better
back to normal.
People need to be listened to almost as much as they need food. And if you take the time to feed them, you'll make some amazing friendships. We'll talk a lot more about listening when we get to Habit 5: First try to understand, then be understood. It's only in front.
• SAY YOU'RE SORRY
Apologizing when you yell, overreact, or make a stupid mistake can quickly restore an overdrawn bank account. But it takes courage to go up to a friend and say, "Look, I was wrong," "I apologize," or "I'm sorry." It's especially hard to admit a mistake to your parents because of course you know so much more than they do. 17-year-old Lena said: I know from experience how much an apology means to my parents. It's like if I admit my mistakes and apologize, they'll forgive me almost anything and be willing to start over. But that doesn't mean it's easy. I remember one night my mother confronted me about something she didn't approve of that I had done. I confessed none of it; In fact, I ended up pretending they were total jerks and slamming the door to my room right in my mother's face. As soon as I got to my room I felt nauseous. I realized that I probably knew I was wrong all along and that I had been extremely rude. Should I just stay in my room and go to bed and hope it's over or should I go upstairs and apologize? I waited about two minutes and then took the main road and went straight to my mother, hugged her tightly and told her how sorry I was for acting like this. It was the best thing I could have ever done. Immediately it was as if it had never happened. I felt light and happy and ready to focus on something else.
Don't let pride or lack of courage stand in the way of apologizing to people who may have offended you. It's never as scary as it seems and you'll feel so good afterwards. Furthermore, apologies disarm people. Think about it: when people are offended, they tend to take up swords, so to speak, to protect themselves in the future. But if you apologize, you take away their desire to fight you and they will drop their swords. Rattle! Seeing that you and I will continue to make mistakes for the rest of our lives, saying you're sorry isn't a bad habit to get hooked on.
• SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS
"I think we should meet up with others," your boyfriend or girlfriend might tell you. “But . . . I thought we were starting to get serious,” you might reply. “Um, no offense . . . but not really.” “Well, what about everything you've told me? About your feelings and stuff?" "I didn't mean it like that actually..." How many times have you seen someone get hurt because another person tricked them into doing it by not sharing their true feelings? We tend to do that , wanting to flatter and please others, and therefore often have unclear or unrealistic expectations. To make your father happy right now, you could say, "Sure, dad, I can help you fix the car this weekend." realistically you're booked all weekend and don't have a second one. You end up disappointing your father. You would have been better off being realistic up front. In order to build trust we need to avoid sending vague messages or implying anything that isn't is true or true apparently won't happen. Maya says, "I had a great time Jeff. Let's definitely do something next week!" What she really feels is, "I had a good time. Let's just be friends." But since she set false expectations, Jeff will keep asking her out and Maya will keep turning him down, saying, "Maybe next week." Everyone would have been better off if Maya had been honest from the start would be. It's hard to do, but don't be afraid to reject someone or something. You will do them more harm in the long run if you string them together and then throw them away. Whenever you move into a new job, relationship, or new life environment, you had better take the time to put all expectations on the table so that everyone is on the same page.So many withdrawals are made because one party assumes one thing and another party assumes something else.
Your boss might say, "I need you to come to work this Tuesday night." You might reply, "I'm sorry, but I babysit my brother for my mom on Tuesday nights." have hired. What should I do now?” Build trust by saying how it is and setting clear expectations upfront.
A personal challenge I would like to leave you with a personal challenge. Pick an important relationship in your life that is damaged. It can be with a parent or a sibling or a friend. Commit now to rebuilding that relationship one deposit at a time. The other person may be suspicious at first
and think, "What's the matter with you? Do you want something from me?" But be patient and stick with it. Remember that what took months to tear down can take months to build. But little by little, deposit after deposit, they will start to see that you are real and that you really want to be friends. I never said it would be easy, but I promise you it will be worth it.
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS If you love a buffet (and who doesn't?), you'll love the following chapter.
keeping promises 1
Tell your mom or dad the next time you're going out at night, what time you're going to be home, and stick to it. As a bonus, text them when you go back!
Today, pause all day before making commitments and consider whether or not you can keep them. Don't say, "I'll email you the notes tonight" or "Let's go to the pool today" unless you can pull it off.
Do small acts of kindness 3
Buy a sandwich for a homeless person this week.
Handwrite a thank you note to someone you've been wanting to thank for a long time. Person I have to thank: ..........................
You are loyal 5 6
Identify when and where you find it most difficult to refrain from gossiping. Is it with a specific friend, in the locker room, on social media? Come up with an action plan to avoid this. Try saying only positive things about others online for a whole week.
Take it easy and don't talk too much today. Spend the day listening.
Think of a family member you've never really taken the time to listen to, like your mom, big brother, or grandpa. take the time
Say you're sorry 9
Before you go to bed tonight, write a simple apology message to someone you may have offended.
Set clear expectations 10
Think of a situation where you and someone else have different expectations. Put together a plan of how to get to the same page. Your expectation:............................ My expectation:................ ...............
What are we living for if it's not about making life less?
difficult for each other?
GEORGE ELIOT, AUTOR
I attended a rigorous business school that used the infamous "Forced Curve" evaluation policy. Each class consisted of ninety students and in each class 10 percent or nine people received what is known as Category III. A Category III was a nice way of saying, "You flunked it!" In other words, no matter how good or bad the class did as a whole, nine people would fail the class. And if you failed classes too many times, you got kicked out of school. The pressure was insane.
Pride takes no pleasure in having something, only in having more of it than the next man. C. S. LEWIS AUTHOR
The problem was that everyone in the class was smart. (I must have been an admissions blunder.) So the competition got very intense, which caused me (note I didn't say it) and my classmates to behave in weird ways. Rather than aiming for good grades like I did in college and high school, I didn't want to be one of the nine people who would fail. Instead of playing to win, I played not to lose. It reminds me of the story I once heard about two friends being chased by a bear, when one turned to the other and said, “I just realized I don't have to run from the bear; I just have to run away from you.” One day as I was sitting in class, I couldn't help but look around the room and try to count off nine people who were dumber than me. If someone made a stupid comment, I would find myself thinking, "Phew, this one's guaranteed to fail. Only eight left.” Sometimes I didn't want to share my best ideas with others during study groups for fear they would steal them and get all the credit instead of me. All these feelings were eating away at me and making me feel small, like my heart was the size of a grape. Trouble was, I was thinking win-lose. And win-lose thinking will always fill your heart with negative feelings. Luckily there is a better way. It's called Think WinWin and it's Habit 4. Think Win-Win is an attitude towards life, a state of mind that says I can win, and so can you. It's not about me or you, it's about both of us. Think that win-win is the basis of getting along well with other people. It starts with the belief that we are all equal, that no one is inferior or superior to the other and no one really has to be. Now you could say, "Come on, Sean. It's a cutthroat, competitive world out there. Everyone can't always win.” I disagree. That's not really how life is. Life really isn't about competition, or being one step ahead of others, or scoring in the 95th percentile. That may be the case in business, sports and schools, but these are just institutions that we have created. That's definitely not the case in relationships. And relationships, as we learned just a chapter ago, are the stuff of life. Think about how silly it is to say, "Who wins in your relationship, you or your boyfriend?"
So let's explore this weird idea called Think Win-Win. From my experience, the best way to do this is to see what win-win isn't. Win-win is not win-lose, lose-win or lose-lose. These are all common but bad attitudes towards life. Hop on, buckle up, and let's take a look at each one.
• WIN-LOSE – THE TOTEM POLE “Mom, there's a big game tonight and I have to take the car.” “I'm sorry Marina, but I have to go shopping tonight. Your friends can pick you up." "But Mom. My friends always have to pick me up. It's embarrassing." "Listen, you've been complaining about the lack of snacks in the house for a week. This is the only time I need to get groceries. I'm sorry." "You're not sorry. If you were sorry, you would let me take the car. you are so unfair You don't care if I have friends." "Look, good. Continue. take the car But don't whine to me if there's nothing to eat after school tomorrow.” Marina won and mom lost. This is called win-lose. But did Marina really win? Maybe she has that time, but how does mom feel? And what will she do next time she has the chance to get revenge with Marina? Therefore, in the long run, it never pays to think win-lose. Win-lose is a way of life that says the pie of success is only so big, and if you get a big slice, there's less for me. So I'll make sure I get my piece first or I get a bigger piece than you. Win-lose is competitive. I call it the totem pole syndrome. "I don't care how good I am as long as I'm one step higher than you on the totem pole." Relationships, friendships and loyalty are secondary to winning the game, being the best and doing it your way.
Win-Lose is full of pride. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride takes no pleasure in having anything, only in having more of it than the next man . . . It's the comparison that makes you proud, the joy of being above the others.” Don't feel too bad if you think about win-lose sometimes, because we've been conditioned to do it since we were little. I think that's especially true for those of us who grew up in the US, where there are some amazing opportunities, but everyone wants to achieve them. To illustrate my point, let's follow Trey, an ordinary boy, as he grows up. Trey's first experience of competition begins in third grade when he attends the annual field day events and quickly discovers that ribbons are only awarded to first, second, and third place finishers. Trey doesn't win a race but is happy to at least get a ribbon for entering until his best friend tells him that "those ribbons don't really count because everyone gets one". When Trey starts middle school, his parents can't afford cool jeans and expensive sneakers, so Trey wears older, less cool clothes. He can't help but notice what his wealthier friends are wearing and feels like he doesn't quite keep up. In high school, Trey begins playing the violin and joins the orchestra. To his dismay, he learns that only one person can be first fiddle. Trey is disappointed to be given second fiddle, but feels very comfortable not being third. At home, Trey has been his mother's favorite child for several years. But now his younger brother, who happens to have won many Little League trophies, is taking on the role of mom's golden child. Trey starts studying hard at school, believing that if he gets better grades than his brother, he might be Mom's chosen one again. After four years of high school, Trey is ready for college. So he takes the SAT and scores in the 50th percentile, which means he's smarter than half his peers but not as smart as the other half. Unfortunately, his score isn't good enough to get him into the college he wanted.
The college Trey attends uses forced curve grading. In his first chemistry class with thirty students, Trey learns that there are only five A grades and five B grades. The rest get C's and D's. Trey works hard to avoid a C or D and luckily gets the last available B grade. And the story goes on. . . Having grown up in such a world, is it any wonder that Trey and the rest of us grow up seeing life as a competition and winning above all else? Is it any wonder that we often look around to see ourselves piled atop the totem pole? Fortunately, you and I are not victims. We have the power to be proactive and rise above all this WinLose conditioning. A win-lose attitude has many faces. The following are some of them: • Taking advantage of other people, emotionally or physically, for your own selfish purposes. • Trying to get ahead at the expense of others. • Gossip or gossip about someone else (as if putting someone down is edifying). • Always insist on asserting yourself without considering other people's feelings. • Become jealous when something good happens to someone close to you. In the end, win-lose will usually backfire. You can land on the top of the totem pole. But you will be there alone and without friends. "The problem with the rat race," said actress Lily Tomlin, "is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
• LOSE - WIN - THE DOORMAT One teenager wrote: “I certainly am a great peacemaker. I'd rather take the blame for almost anything than get into an argument. I keep catching myself saying I'm stupid. . .” Do you identify with this statement? If so, you've fallen into the lose-win trap. Lose-win looks modest on the surface but is just as dangerous as win-lose. It's the floor mat syndrome. Lose-win says, "Go through with me. wipe your feet on me Everyone else is doing it.” Lose-win is weak. It's easy to step on. It's easy to be the nice guy or girl. It's easy to give in, all in the name of the peacemaker. It's easy to let your parents have their way instead of trying to share your feelings with them. With a lose-win attitude, you set low expectations and keep compromising your standards. Giving in to peer pressure is lose-win. Maybe you don't want to drop out of school, but the group wants you to. So you give in What happened? Well you lost and they won. That's called lose-win.
If you adopt lose-win as your attitude to life, people will wipe their dirty feet on you. And that's a real crap. You will also hide your true feelings deep inside. And that's not healthy. There is of course a time to waste. Lose-win is fine if the issue isn't that important to you, e.g. B. when you and your sister can't agree on which show to watch or when your mom doesn't like the way you hold your fork. Let others win the small expenses and it will be a deposit into their RBA. Just make sure you take a stand on the important stuff. When you are trapped in an abusive relationship, you are deeply involved in lose-win. Abuse is an endless cycle of hurt and reconciliation, hurt and reconciliation. It never gets better. There's no gain for you and you have to get out. Don't think that the abuse is somehow your fault or that you somehow deserve to be abused. That's how a doormat thinks. Nobody deserves to ever be abused. (Please see the abuse websites at the end of this book.)
• LOSE-LOSE - THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL Lose-Lose says, "If I go down, you go down with me, idiot." Misery loves company. War is a great example of lose-lose. Think about it. Whoever kills the most people wins the war. That doesn't sound like anyone will win at all in the end. Revenge is also lose-lose. When you retaliate, you might think you're winning, but you're really only hurting yourself. Lose-lose is usually what happens when two win-lose people get together. If you want to win at all costs and the other person wants to win at all costs, you will both end up losing. Lose-lose can also occur when someone is obsessing over another person in a negative way. This is especially likely with those closest to us, like Olivia, a high school student. My friend Maggie and I have been best friends since seventh grade. The second we met it was like — boom, this is my new BFF. Right off the bat she was so funny and great and headstrong. Deep down I also felt smart and funny - but on the surface I seemed shy and a little self-conscious. Maggie could see the strength in me beneath my shy demeanor
though, and that's why I felt so good around her. The thing is, as we got older, like early freshman year for example, it started to bother me that I was still quiet and confident while Maggie was still smart and popular. I was starting to feel like her mate and I really resented her. I got jealous because she got a lot of attention because she was the brightest in the class and because guys liked her and girls thought she was really cool. I tried to behave like them and wanted everyone to treat me the way they treated them. I didn't know how to be myself. I always snapped at her whenever she told me about something good that was going on in her life. Finally one day I blew her up over a little thing but it turned into a huge argument and she said 'why are you friends with me if you hate me?' I told her I don't hate her, I do was just jealous. And I felt like my own charm and wit, and my own opinion was worthless compared to hers. And I felt bad in comparison. When I heard myself saying all that, I knew how stupid it was and how unfair it was to Maggie. It wasn't her fault; she was just being herself. It was a rough patch in our friendship for a while, but she was able to forgive my jealousy and I feel like I've completely overcome the competition. I realized that I didn't have to drag her down to make me feel better, I'm just glad to be with such a cool person. And I didn't have to go through everything she did to be liked, I could get that just by being myself.
Luckily, Olivia and Maggie's friendship went from lose-lose back to win-win. But not only the friendship can be endangered; If you're not careful, friend-girlfriend relationships can also become lose-lose. you saw it Two good people start dating and things go well at first. It's a win-win situation. But gradually they become emotionally bonded and co-dependent. They start to become possessive and jealous. They need to be together all the time, touching, feeling safe like they own the other person. Eventually, this dependency brings out the worst in both of them. They start fighting and "reciprocate" each other, leading to a lose-lose downward spiral. It's no fun for anyone.
• WIN-WIN - THE ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET Win-Win is the belief that anyone can win. It's beautiful and hard at the same time. I won't step on you, but I won't be your doormat either. You care about other people and want them to be successful. But you also take care of yourself and you also want to be successful. Win-win abounds. It is the belief that there is much success. It's neither you nor me. We both. It's not about who gets the biggest piece of the pie. There is more than enough food for everyone. It's an all you can eat buffet. My friend Dawn shared how she discovered the power of win-win thinking in 10th grade:
In high school I played on the girls basketball team. I was pretty good for my age and tall enough to start on the college team even though I was only a sophomore. My friend Pam, another sophomore, was also promoted to the varsity squad as a starter. I had a cute little shot that I could hit from ten feet fairly regularly. Seriously, it worked every time. I started taking four or five of those shots a game and started getting credit for it. Obviously Pam didn't like all the attention I was getting and decided, consciously or unconsciously, to keep the ball away from me. It didn't matter how open I was to the shot, Pam flat
out stopped passing the ball to me. One night after playing a horrible game where Pam kept the ball away from me for most of the game, I was more angry than ever. I spent many hours talking to my father, going through everything, and expressing my anger at my friend-turned-enemy, Pam. After a long discussion, my dad told me the best thing he could think of would be to give Pam the ball every time I got it. every time I thought it was literally the stupidest thing he'd ever told me. He just told me it would work and left me at the kitchen table to think about it. But I didn't. I knew it wasn't going to work and put it aside as stupid fatherly advice. The next game I was determined to beat Pam at her own game. I planned and planned and came up with a mission to ruin Pam's game. On my first possession, I heard my father over the crowd. His voice was booming, and although I shut out everything around me when I played basketball, I could always hear Dad's deep voice. The moment I caught the ball, he yelled, "Give her the ball!!" I hesitated for a second, then did what I thought was right. Although I was ready for a shot, I found Pam and gave her the ball. She was shocked for a moment, then turned and shot, sinking the ball for two points. As I ran across the pitch to defend, I felt a feeling I'd never felt before: genuine joy at someone else's success. What's more, I realized that it brought us forward in the game. It felt good to win. I gave her the ball every time I got it in the first half. every time In the second half I did the same thing and only shot when it was a specific play or when I was wide open for a shot.
We won that game and in subsequent games Pam began passing the ball to me as many times as I passed it to her. Our teamwork grew much stronger, and so did our friendship. We won most of our games that year and became something of a legend at school. The local paper even wrote an article about our ability to go to each other and feel each other's presence. Overall, I scored more points than ever before.
You see, win-win always creates more. A buffet without end. And as Dawn found, wanting someone else to win fills you with good feelings. By passing the ball, Dawn didn't score fewer points, but ended up scoring more. In fact, both scored more points and won more games than if they had selfishly denied the ball. You probably think more win-win than you give yourself credit for. Below are all the examples of the win-win attitude: • You recently got a promotion at the ice cream shop where you work. You share the praise and recognition with all those who helped you get there. • You have just been elected to an important school office and you resolve not to develop a “superiority complex”. They treat everyone equally, including children who are outsiders or sit alone in the canteen. • Your best friend just got accepted to the college you were planning to go to. you didn't make it Although you feel terrible about your own situation, you are genuinely happy about it
your friend • You want to have dinner. Your friend wants to see a movie. They decide together to download a movie and order food to take home.
How to think win-win How to do it? How can you be happy for your boyfriend when he just got accepted to college and you didn't? How can you avoid feeling inferior to the girl next door with those cheekbones? How can you find solutions to problems so you both can win? May I suggest two pointers: win the private victory first and avoid the tumor twins. trust me you will see.
• WIN THE PRIVATE VICTORY FIRST It all starts with you. If you are extremely insecure and have not paid the price of private victory, it will be difficult to think of win-win. You are still threatened by other people. It will be difficult to rejoice in their accomplishments or to share recognition or praise. Insecure people get jealous very easily. This conversation between Austin and his girlfriend is typical of an insecure person: "Amy, who's the dude who keep likes all your posts on Tumblr?" Austin asks. "Who? You mean Jon? He's an old friend I went to camp with," says Amy. "Why are you responding to all his comments?" "Because he's my friend. I've known him for a long time. We are went to elementary school together." "Then why was he so mad at you?" Austin scolds. "Austin, that's no big deal. He liked about two pictures." "Well, he should leave you alone." "Austin "You already know that you're the one I want to be with. My male friends are just that — friends." and emotionally dependent on his girlfriend? Austin needs to start with himself. As he makes deposits into his PBA, takes responsibility for his life and makes a plan, his confidence and security will increase and he will begin to connect with other people delight instead of being threatened by them in. Personal safety is the basis of win-win thinking.
• AVOID THE TUMOR TWINS There are two habits that, like tumors, can slowly eat you up from the inside out. They are twins and their names compete and compare. It is practically impossible to think WinWin with them. Competitive competition can be extremely healthy. It drives us to improve, achieve and stretch. Without them we would never know how far we could push ourselves. For example: Olympic glory is all about excellence and competition, and it motivates young men and women to work hard and become great athletes. In the business world, competition drives innovation and growth.
But there's another side to the competition that's not so pretty. In the movie Star Wars, Luke Skywalker learns of a positive energy shield called "The Force" that breathes life into all things. Later, Luke confronts the evil Darth Vader and learns of the "dark side" of the Force. As Darth puts it, "You don't know the power of the dark side." That's how it is with competition. There is a sunny side and a dark side, and both are powerful. The difference is this: competition is healthy when you're up against yourself or when it challenges you to stretch and do your best. Competition turns dark when you associate your self-worth with winning or when you use it as a means of putting yourself above others. When I was reading a book called The Inner Game of Tennis by W. Timothy Gallwey I found some words that sum it up perfectly. Tim wrote: When competition serves to create a self-image in relation to others, the worst in a person comes out; then the usual fears and frustrations are greatly exaggerated. It's like some believe that only if they're the best, only if they're a winner, will they get the love and respect they seek. Children who are taught to compete in this way often grow into adults, driven by a need to succeed that overshadows everything else.
A famous college coach once said that the two worst traits an athlete can have are a fear of failure and an excessive desire to win or an attitude to win at all costs. I will never forget an argument I had with my younger brother after his team beat mine in a game of beach volleyball. "I can't believe you guys hit us," I said, shaking my head in disbelief. "What's incredible about that?" he answered. "Do you think you're a better athlete than me?" "I know I am. I mean, no offense bro, but look at the evidence. I've gone a lot further in the sport than you have." use your own narrow definition of what an athlete is. Honestly, I'm a better athlete because I can jump higher and run faster." "Bull! You are no faster than me. And what does jumping have to do with it? I can kick your butt in any sport.” “Oh yes? Do you want to go there?” “Yes, I actually do!” As we calmed down, we both felt like immature male children. We were consumed by the dark Side seduces. And the dark side never leaves a good aftertaste. Let's use competition as a yardstick to measure ourselves against, but let's stop competing for friends, girlfriend, status, friends, popularity, attention, and just get started to enjoy life.
Compare Compare is the twin of competition. And it's just as cancerous. Comparing yourself to others is nothing but bad news. Why? Because we all have different development schedules. Socially, mentally and physically. Since we all bake differently, we don't want to keep opening the oven door to see how well our cake rises compared to our neighbor's, or our own cake won't rise at all. Although some of us are like the poplar that grows like a weed the moment it is planted, others are like the bamboo tree that shows no growth for four years but then grows 30 meters in the fifth year. I once heard it described like this: Life is like one big obstacle course. Everyone has their own course, which is separated from all other courses by high walls. Your course comes complete with custom obstacles designed specifically for your personal growth. So what's the use of climbing the wall to see how good your neighbor is, or checking his obstacles against your own? This will only distract you from your own obstacles. Building your life on how you compare to others is never good. If I take my safety from the fact that my GPAs are higher than yours or my friends are more popular than yours, what happens if someone with a higher GPA or more popular friends comes along? When we compare ourselves, we feel like an ocean wave tossed back and forth by the wind. We pace, feeling inferior one moment and superior the next, confident one moment and intimidated the next. The only good comparison is to compare yourself to your own potential.
Actress, singer and songwriter Ariana Grande has taken Hollywood and the internet by storm. But despite her fame, she manages to maintain a healthy attitude when it comes to her body image and comparisons. She says: “Too many young girls have eating disorders due to low self-esteem and distorted body image. . . I think it's so important for girls to love themselves and be respectful of their bodies."
Ariana continues, "Sometimes people can be extraordinarily judgmental and narrow-minded towards others or special people, which is why it's so hard for young people today to feel comfortable enough in their own skin not to listen to the people picking on them . Be happy to be you. love your mistakes Own your quirks. And know that you are just as perfect as everyone else, just the way you are.” Perhaps this refreshingly wholesome attitude is why everyone loves her and her music, and why she has so many Twitter followers. Let's hope this cute actress-singer-dancer can continue to be such an inspiration. I once interviewed a girl named Anne who was caught in the web of comparisons for several years before she managed to escape. She has a message for those caught: My troubles started in freshman year when I entered Clayton Valley High School. Most of the children there had money. How you looked and dressed was everything. The big question was: Who wears what today? There were so many unspoken rules about clothing—you could never wear the same thing twice, and you could never wear the same thing as someone else. Brand names and expensive jeans were everything. You had to have every color, every style. I had a friend who was a junior that my parents didn't like. Our relationship was good at first, but after a while he started making me insecure. He said things like, "Why can't you look like her?" "How come you're so fat?" "If you would change just a little bit, you would be spot on." I started teasing my boyfriend believe. I looked at other girls and analyzed all the reasons why I wasn't as good as them. Even though I had a closet full of clothes, I remember having anxiety attacks because I couldn't decide what to wear. I even took up shoplifting because I wanted the latest and greatest clothes. After a while it depended who I was with, how I looked and what clothes I was wearing. I never felt good enough for anyone. To deal with this, I began to eat and flush. Eating gave me comfort and purging gave me a twisted sense of control. Even though I wasn't fat, I was so scared of being fat. It soon became a big part of my life. I started throwing up thirty to forty times a day. I would do it in the toilets at school and anywhere else I could find it. it was my secret I couldn't tell my parents because I didn't want to let them down. I remember once being asked by the popular group to go to the soccer game. You were sixteen, a year older than me. I was so excited! My mom and I worked and worked to find the perfect outfit for me. I waited by the window for hours but they never picked me up. I felt worthless. I thought, "I didn't get picked up because I wasn't cool enough or didn't have the right look." Eventually, things came to a head. While performing on stage in a play, I suddenly became completely disoriented and passed out. When I woke up in the dressing room, I found my mother by my side. "I need help," I whispered. Admitting I had a problem was the first step in my recovery, which took several years. Looking back now, I can't believe I got into this state of mind. I had everything I needed to be happy, but I was still so miserable. I was a sweet, talented, healthy girl trapped in a world of comparisons and not feeling good enough. I want to say to us young people: “Never do this to yourself. It's not worth it." The key to my recovery was meeting some really special friends who made me feel like I mattered because of who I was, not what I wore. They told me : "You don't need that. You're better than that." I started changing for myself, not because someone else told me I had to change to be worthy of their love.
The pearl of wisdom from history is: break the habit. Stop doing that. Comparing yourself can become an addiction as powerful as drugs or alcohol. You don't have to look or dress like a model to be good enough. You know what really matters. Don't get caught up in the game and don't worry so much about being popular in your teenage years because most of life comes after that. (Please see the Eating Disorders website at the end of this book.)
• THE FRUITS OF THE WIN-WIN SPIRIT I've learned never to underestimate what can happen when someone thinks win-win. This was Andy's experience:
At first I couldn't see any sense of win-win. But I started using it in my extracurricular jobs and I was just blown away. I've been using it for two years now and it's honestly scary how powerful this habit is - I wish I had known about it much earlier in my life. It has taught me to practice my leadership skills and approach my work with the attitude, “Let's make this work more fun. Let's make it a win for me and my employer.” I now sit down with my manager monthly and tell her all the little things I see about the company that aren't getting done that I'm willing to do. When we last met, she said to me, "I've always wondered how we could tie up all these little loose ends. I'm so impressed with how you look for opportunities and are so committed.” And then she gave me a dollar an hour raise.
Believe me, this win-win stuff is contagious. If you have a big heart, are passionate about helping others succeed, and are willing to share appreciation, you will be a magnet for friends. Think about it. Don't you just love people who are interested in your success and want you to win? It makes you want to help them in return, doesn't it? The win-win spirit can be applied to just about any situation, from working out major conflicts with your parents to deciding who will walk the dog, as Ben shared below. My parents only let my sister and I use the family tablet for an hour each day. At first we fought over who should get the first part because we both wanted to use it - sometimes to look something up for homework, or sometimes just to tweet or watch a show. We decided to try something new. We would take turns who got it first every day, and then sometimes we'd even tweet or watch a show together, which made it even more fun.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you won't find a win-win solution. Or someone else is so obsessed with win-lose that you don't even want to approach him or her. Happens. In these situations, don't become ugly yourself (Win-Lose) or don't perform (LoseWin). Instead, opt for win-win or no deal. In other words, if you can't find a solution that works for both of you, decide not to play. No problem. For example, if you and your friend can't decide what to do one night, break up that night and meet up another night instead of engaging in an activity that either of you might decline. Or if you and your girlfriend or boyfriend just can't develop a win-win relationship, maybe it's best to go no deal and go your separate ways. It's certainly better to bet win-lose, lose-win or, worst of all, lose-loser.
A 15-year-old named Bryan, who was taught win-win by his father, shared this interesting story: Last year my friend Steve and I wanted to earn some money over the summer holidays. So we started a window cleaning and lawn care business. We thought Green & Clean would be a pretty cool name for our business. Steve's parents had a friend who had to wash his windows and it didn't take long for word to get around and we got a few jobs. We used a program on my father's computer to create a little sheet that we call a win-win agreement. When we get to the house we go around and get the window measurements and write up an estimate. We make it very clear that you get clean windows for a fixed price. There is a line where they can register. If we don't do well, we know we won't be rehired. After we're done, we show them around and show our work for their approval. We want them to know that we are responsible. We have a small Green and Clean fund. Once we started making money, we split the money and set some aside to buy window cleaning equipment. As long as our customers are happy and get clean windows, they win. We win because at fifteen it's a way for us to make some extra money.
Take a look at how you're feeling Developing a win-win attitude isn't easy. But you can do it. If you're only thinking about win-win 10 percent of the time right now, start thinking about it 20 percent of the time, then 30 percent, and so on. Eventually it becomes a mental habit and you don't even have to think about it. It becomes a part of who you are. Perhaps the most surprising benefit of win-win thinking is the good feelings it evokes. One of my favorite stories that illustrates the power of win-win thinking is the true story of Jacques Lusseyran as told in his autobiography And There Was Light. The editors of PARABOLA magazine, who wrote the book's foreword, summarize Lusseyran's story as follows: “[Jacques] was born in Paris in 1924 and was fifteen at the time of the German occupation, and by sixteen he had founded and was leading an underground resistance him movement . . . the fifty-two boys from the beginning . . . within a year it had grown to six hundred. That seems remarkable enough, but add to that the fact that Jacques had been completely blind since he was eight.” Although completely blind, Jacques could see in other ways. As he put it: “I saw light and kept seeing it, even though I was blind . . . I could feel light rising, spreading, resting on objects, giving them shape, and then leaving them. . . I lived in a stream of light.” He called this stream of light in which he lived “my secret”. But there were times when Jacques' light left him and he became cloudy. Whenever he thought about win-loss. As he put it: “When I was playing with my little companions and suddenly felt like winning, to be first at all costs, then all of a sudden I couldn't see anymore. I literally walked in fog or smoke. "I could no longer afford to be jealous or unkind because as soon as I was, a bandage came over my eyes and I was bound hand and foot and thrown aside. Suddenly a black hole opened up and I was helpless in it. But when I was happy and composed, approached people with confidence and thought well of them, I was rewarded with Light. So is it any wonder that I learned to love friendship and harmony from a young age?” The real test of whether you think win-win or either of the alternatives is how you feel. Win-lose and lose-win thinking will cloud your judgment and fill you with negative feelings. You just can't afford to do it. On the other hand, just like Jacques
discovered, thinking win-win will fill your heart with happy and cheerful thoughts. It will give you confidence. Even fill you with light.
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS In the upcoming chapter, I'll reveal the secret to getting under your parents' skin in a positive way. So don't stop now!
Identify the area of your life where you struggle with comparison - clothing, physical characteristics, friends, attention from boys/girls, talents, etc.? Where I struggle the most with comparisons: ..........................
If you play sports or competitive games, show sportsmanship. Compliment someone from the opposing team after the match or game.
If someone owes you money, don't be afraid to speak up politely. "Hey, remember that $10 I loaned you last week? I could use it sometime this week.” Think win-win, not lose-win.
Without caring if you win or lose, play a game with others just for fun.
Is there an important exam coming up? Form a study group and share your best ideas. You will all do better.
The next time someone close to you succeeds, be genuinely happy for them instead of being jealous that it didn't happen to you.
Think about your general outlook on life. Is it based on win-lose, lose-win, lose-lose, or win-win thinking? How does this attitude affect you?
Think of a person who you think is a model for win-win. What do you admire about this person? Person:................................................ What I think of you admire: ..........................................
Are you in a lose-win relationship with a member of the opposite sex? If so, then decide what needs to happen to make it a win for you. Otherwise, choose No Deal and leave this toxic relationship.
Before I can walk in someone else's shoes, I must first take off my own. UNKNOWN
Let's say you buy a new phone. The salesman asks, "What kind of smartphone are you looking for?" "Well, I'm looking for something that costs..." "I think I know what you want," he interrupts. “Everyone gets this new one. Trust me."
He rushes off and comes back with the sleekest, thinnest smartphone you've ever seen. "Just look at this baby," he says. "I mean it's nice, but it's not what I need. I can't afford it." "It's the hottest thing on, you gotta get it before it sells out." "No thanks, I don't have any money." "I promise you'll love it. Worth every penny." "But I..." "Listen. I've been selling phones for ten years and I'm telling you, this phone is worth it." After this experience, would you ever want to go back to this store? Definitely not. You can Don't trust people who offer you solutions before they understand your needs. But did you know that when we communicate, we often do the same thing? "Hi missi. You look kinda taken aback. What's up?" “You wouldn't understand, Lily. You'd think it was stupid.” “No, I wouldn't. Tell me what is going on. I'm all ears." "Oh, I don't know." "Come on. You can tell me." "Well . . . um . . . Things aren't the same between Tyrone and me." "I told you not to get involved with him. I just knew it was going to happen "Tyrone isn't the problem." "Listen missy, if I were you I'd just forget about him and move on." "But Lily, I don't feel that way." I know how you feel. I went through the same thing with Zack last year. Do not you remember? It practically ruined my whole year." "Just forget it, Lily." "Missy, I'm just trying to help. I really want to understand. Now go ahead. tell me how you
We tend to fall like Superman from the sky and want to solve all the problems before we even understand what the problem is. We just don't listen. As the Native American proverb says, "Listen, or your tongue will kill you." The key to communication and to power and influence over people can be summed up in one sentence: first try to understand, then be understood. In other words, first listen, then speak. That's Habit 5, and it If you can learn this simple habit—seeing things from someone else's perspective before sharing your own—a whole new world of understanding will open up to you.
The deepest need of the human heart. W hy is this habit the key to communication? Because the deepest need of the human heart is to be understood. Everyone wants to be respected and valued for who they are - a unique, one of a kind, never to be cloned individual (at least for now). People will not reveal their soft centers unless they feel genuine love and understanding. However, once they feel it, they will tell you more than you might want to hear. The following story about a girl with an eating disorder demonstrates the power of understanding: When I met Julie, Pam, and Lavon, my college roommates in my freshman year, I was a professional anorexic. I'd spent my last two years of high school focusing on exercise, dieting, and triumphing with every ounce I lost. At 18 years old and 5'7, I weighed a lofty 95 pounds, a big pile of bones. I didn't have many friends. The constant deprivation had made me irritable, embittered, and so tired that I could no longer hold casual conversations. School events were also out of the question. I didn't feel like I had anything in common with the kids I knew. A handful of loyal friends really put up with me and tried to help, but I shut down their preaching about my weight and blamed it on jealousy. My parents bribed me with new wardrobes. They harassed me and demanded that I eat in front of them. When I didn't want that, they dragged me to a series of doctors, therapists and specialists. I was unhappy and convinced that my whole life would be like this. Then I moved away to go to college. The luck of the draw put me in a dorm room with Julie, Pam and Lavon, the three girls who made my life worth living again. We lived in a tiny concrete block apartment where all my weird eating habits and exercise neuroses were apparent. I know they must have thought I looked odd with my sallow complexion, bruises, thinning hair and bulging hips and collarbones. When I see pictures of me when I was eighteen, I am appalled at how awful I looked. But they weren't. They didn't treat me like a person with a problem. There were no lectures, no force-feeding, no gossip, no intimidation. I almost didn't know what to do.
Almost immediately I felt like one of them, except I wasn't eating. We went to class together, found jobs, went jogging in the evenings, watched TV, and hung out together on Saturdays. For once, my anorexia wasn't the central issue. Instead, we spent long nights discussing our families, our ambitions, and our insecurities. I was absolutely amazed at our similarities. For the first time in literally years, I felt understood. I felt like someone took the time to understand me as a person instead of always trying to solve my problem first. To these three girls, I was not an anorexic in need of treatment. I was only the fourth girl. As my sense of belonging grew, I began to observe them. They were happy, attractive, smart, and occasionally ate cookie dough straight out of the bowl. If I had so much in common with them, why couldn't I eat three meals a day as well? Pam, Julie and Lavon never told me how to heal myself. They showed me every day and they really worked to understand me before trying to heal me. At the end of my freshman semester of college, they set me up a place for dinner. And I felt welcome.
Think of the influence these three girls had on the fourth girl because they were trying to understand her instead of judging her. Isn't it interesting that as soon as she felt understood and not judged, she immediately dropped her defenses and opened up to her influence? Compare that to what could have happened if her roommates preached to her. Have you ever heard the saying, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care"? So true. Think of a time when someone didn't take the time to understand or listen to you. Were you open to what they had to say? For a while while playing college football, I got severe arm pain in my biceps. It was a complex condition and I'd tried a variety of techniques to resolve it—ice, heat, massage, weight lifting, and anti-inflammatory pills—but nothing helped. So I sought help from one of our more experienced athletic trainers. However, before I could describe my condition, he said to me, “I've seen this thing before. That's what you have to do.” I tried to explain more, but he was already convinced he knew the problem. I wanted to say, "Wait a minute. Listen to me, Doc. I don't think you understand.” As you might have guessed, his techniques made my arm pain worse. He never listened and I never felt understood. I lost faith in his advice and avoided him at all costs when I was injured. I had no faith in his prescriptions because he never diagnosed the problem. I didn't care how much he knew because he hadn't shown me he cared.
You can show you care just by taking the time to listen without judgment and without giving advice. This short poem captures how much people just want to be heard: PLEASE LISTEN
If I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you haven't done what I asked you to do. When I ask you to listen to me and you start telling me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are stepping on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel like you have to do something to solve my problem, strange as that may seem, you have failed me. Listen! All I ask is that you listen. Don't talk or do - just listen to me.
• FIVE BAD LISTENING STYLES To understand someone, you have to listen to them. Surprise! The problem is that most of us don't know how to listen. Imagine. You're trying to decide which courses you want to take next year. You open your timetable and see what's available. "Hmmm . . . Let's see . . . Geometry. Creative writing. Beginning speech. English literature. Listening. Wait a minute. Listening? A listening class? Is this a joke?" That would be an odd surprise, wouldn't it? But it really shouldn't be, because listening is one of the four main forms of communication, along with reading, writing and speaking. And if you think about it, you've been taking reading, writing and speaking classes since you were born, but when have you ever taken a listening class? When people speak, we rarely listen because we're usually too busy preparing a response, judging, or filtering their words through our own paradigms. It's so typical for us to use one of these five styles of bad listening: Five Styles of Bad Listening • Keeping Distance • Pretending to Listen • Selective Listening • Word Listening • Self-centered Listening
Spacing out is when someone talks to us, but we ignore them because our minds wander to another galaxy. You may have something very important to say, but we're caught up in our own thoughts. We all switch off from time to time, but do it too much and you'll get a reputation for not being there. Pretending to listen is more common. We still don't pay much attention to the other person, but at least we pretend we do by making revealing comments like "yes," "uh-huh," "cool," or a "lol" at important points. interject ” here and there when chatting online. The speaker will usually take the cue and feel that he or she is not important enough to be heard.
With selective listening, we only pay attention to the part of the conversation that interests us. For example, your friend is trying to tell you how it feels to be in the shadow of his talented brother in the army. All you hear is the word "army" and you go, "Oh yes, the army! I've been thinking about this a lot lately.” Since you're always talking about what you want to talk about and not what the other person wants to talk about, chances are good
They will never develop lasting friendships. Word hearing occurs when we actually pay attention to what someone is saying, but we only listen to the words, not the body language, the feelings, or the true meaning behind the words. As a result, we miss what is really being said. Your friend Kim might say to you, "What do you think of Ronaldo?" You might reply, "I think he's pretty cool." But if you had been more sensitive and listened to their body language and tone of voice, you would have heard that they actually said, "Do you think Ronaldo likes me?" If you only focus on words, you will rarely get in touch with the deeper emotions of people's hearts. Self-centered listening happens when we see everything from our own perspective. Instead of standing in others' shoes, we want them to stand in ours. That's where phrases like "Oh, I know exactly how you feel" come from. We don't know exactly how they feel, we know exactly how we feel, and we're assuming they think the same way we do, like the salesman who thinks you should buy the latest phone so he can make money deserved. Self-centered listening is often a dominance game where we try to outdo each other as if conversations were a competition. "Do you think your day was bad? This is nothing. You should hear what happened to me.” When listening from our perspective, we typically respond in one of three ways, all of which result in the other person approaching immediately. We judge, we advise and we investigate. Let's take a look at each one. To judge. Sometimes when we listen to others, we make judgments (in the back of our minds) about them and what they say. When you're busy making judgments, you don't really listen, do you? People don't want to be judged, they want to be heard! In the following conversation, notice how little listening and how much judgment goes on in the listener's mind. (Listener's judgments are enclosed in parentheses.) Peter: I literally had the best time with Katherine last night. Karl: Oh cute! (Katherine? Why do you want to date her?) Peter: I had no idea how hilarious and amazing she is. Carl: Oh yes? (Here again. You think any girl who gives you the time of day is awesome.) Peter: Yeah man. I'm thinking about asking her to the prom! Karl: I thought you wanted to ask Jessica. (Are you crazy? Jessica is way cuter than Katherine.) Peter: I mean, it was me, you know? But now I think I'm really into Katherine. Karl: Then ask her. (You'll obviously change your mind tomorrow.) Karl was so busy judging that he didn't hear a word from Peter and missed an opportunity to make a deposit into Peter's RBA. Advisory. Here we give advice from our own experience. That's the speech when I was your age that you often get from your elders.
A sister in need of a listening ear tells her brother, “I hate our new school. Ever since we moved, I've been like the biggest outcast. I wish I could make some new friends already.” Instead of listening to understand, the brother reflects on his own life and says, “No, you need to start meeting new people and get involved in sports and clubs like me The little sister didn't want advice from a well-intentioned brother, no matter how good he was. She just wanted to be heard, for heaven's sake. Only when she felt understood was she open to his advice. Big Brother missed a big opportunity for a big deposit. probing. Probing occurs when you try to dig up emotions before people are ready to share them. Have you ever been examined? Parents do it to teenagers all the time. Your mother is trying, with all good intentions, to find out what is going on in your life. But since you're unwilling to speak, their attempts feel intrusive, so you shut them out. "Hi darling. How was school today?" "Fine." "How did you do on that test?" "OK." "How are your friends?" "Fine." "Are you doing anything tonight?" "Not really. "Have you seen any cute girls lately?" "No mom, come on. Just leave me alone." Nobody likes to be interrogated. If you ask a lot of questions and don't get very far, you're probably digging. Sometimes people just aren't willing to open up and don't feel like talking. Learn to be a good listener and lend a helping hand when the time comes.
• REAL LISTENING So much of our communication happens via text messaging or online, doesn't it? But I think if you have something important to say, say it in person - that way no one will take it the wrong way. Luckily, you and I never exhibit any of these five bad listening styles. Right? Well, maybe only occasionally. Fortunately, there is a higher form of listening that leads to real communication. We call it "real listening". And it's the kind of practice that we want to use. But to really listen, you need to do three things differently.
First listen with your eyes, your heart and your ears. Just listening with your ears is not good enough because only 7 percent of communication is in the words we use. The rest comes from body language (53 percent) and the way we say words, or the tone and emotion reflected in our voice (40 percent). For example, notice how you can change the meaning of a sentence simply by stressing a different word. I didn't say you have an attitude problem. I didn't say you have an attitude problem. I didn't say you have an attitude problem. That's why if you have something important to say, it's better to do it in person than via text or online so the other person really understands what you mean. Texting someone too often about an emotional issue creates more problems than it solves because people start jumping to conclusions and "hearing" things they didn't intend. If what you have to say is delicate or complicated, go face to face. In order to hear what others are really saying, you must also hear what they are not saying. No matter how tough people may seem on the surface, almost everyone is tender inside and in desperate need of being understood. The following poem (one of my absolute favorite poems) captures this need. PLEASE . . . HEAR WHAT I DON'T SAY Don't let me fool you. Don't be fooled by the mask I'm wearing. Because I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and I'm not one of them. Pretending is an art that has become second nature to me, but don't be fooled. . . . I give the impression that I'm sure I'm sunny and undisturbed, inside and out; that confidence is my name and cool is my game; that the water is calm and that I'm in charge and don't need anyone. But don't believe it; Please do not. I chatter idly with you in the polite tones of surface conversation. I'll tell you everything that's really nothing, none of what's crying inside me. So as I go through my routine, don't be fooled by what I say. Please listen carefully and try to understand what I'm not saying; what I want to say; what i need to say about survival, but i can't say it. I don't like hiding. Honestly, I do. I don't like the superficial make-believe games I play. I really want to be authentic, spontaneous and me; but you have to help me. You have to help me by reaching out your hand, even if that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Every time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, every time you try to understand because you really care, my heart starts to take flight. Very small wings. Very weak wings. But wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy
and your ability to understand, i can do it. You can breathe life into me It won't be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try to break down these walls with firm hands but with soft hands because a child is very sensitive and I am a child. Who am I, you may ask. For I am every man, every woman, every child. . . every person you meet. Second, stand in their shoes. To become a true listener, you have to take off your shoes and put yourself in someone else's shoes. In the words of Robert Byrne, "Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell." They must try to see the world as they see it and try to feel that way , how you feel. Let's imagine for a moment that everyone in the world wears tinted glasses and that no two colors are exactly alike. You and I are standing on the banks of a river. I wear green lenses and you wear red ones. "Wow, look how green the water is," I say. "Green? Are you crazy, the water is red," you reply. "Hello. are you color blind That's as green as there is green.” "It's red, you idiot!" "Green!" "Red!" Many people see conversations as a competition. It's my point of view against yours; we can't both be right. In reality we can both be, since we both come from a different point of view. Also, trying to win conversations is foolish. This usually ends in win-lose or lose-lose and is a withdrawal from the RBA. My little sister was once told this story by a friend of hers named Toby. Notice the difference it made being in someone else's shoes: The worst part about going to school was the bus ride. I mean most of my friends had cars but we couldn't afford a car for personal use so I either had to take the bus or find a ride. Sometimes I'd call my mom after school to pick me up, but she took so long it was driving me crazy. I remember yelling at my mother many times, "What took you forever? Don't you even care that I've been waiting for hours?!” I never realized how she felt or what she had done. I only thought of myself.
One day I overheard my mother talking to my father about it. She cried and said how much she wished they could afford a car for me and how hard she worked to try to earn the extra money. Suddenly my whole perspective changed. I saw my mother as a real person with feelings - fear, hopes, doubts and a great deal of love for me. I vowed never to mistreat her again. I even started talking to her more, and together we figured out how I could get a part-time job and earn a car. She even agreed to drive me to and from work. I wish I had listened to her sooner.
Third, practice mirroring. Think like a mirror. What does a mirror do? It doesn't judge. There is no advice. It reflects. Mirroring is simply this: repeating in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling. Mirroring is not imitating. Mimicking means repeating exactly what the other person is saying, like a parrot: "Ugh, Tom. I'm having the worst time at school." "You're having the worst time at school." "I'm basically failing all my classes." "You're basically failing all your classes." "Man, stop saying everything I'm saying. What are you missing?" Mirroring differs from imitation in the following ways:
With the same words
with own words
Cold and indifferent
Warm and caring
Let's take a look at an everyday conversation to see how mirroring works. Your father might say to you, "No! You can't drive tonight, son. And that's final.” A typical “seek-first-talk” response might be, “You never let me take the car. I always have to ride. And I'm sick of it.” That kind of reaction usually ends up in a big roar match that neither side feels very good about afterwards. Try mirrors instead. Repeat in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling. Let's try it again. "No! You can't drive tonight, son. And that's final." "I can see you're upset about it, Dad." time has gone down, you don't deserve the car." "So you're worried about my grades?" "I'm. You know how much I want you to go to college." "You really care about college, don't you?" "I never had the chance to go to college. And I could never make much money from it. I know money isn't everything, but it would certainly help now. I just want a better life for you.” “Okay, I see what you're saying.” “You're so capable that it drives me crazy if you don't take school seriously. I
Guess you can take the car if you promise me you'll do your homework later tonight. That's all I ask. Promise?" Did you notice what happened? By practicing the mirroring skill, the boy was able to uncover the real problem. Dad didn't care that much that he took the car; he was more worried about his future and his nonchalance towards school. When he felt his son understood how important grades and college were to him, he dropped his defense. I cannot guarantee that flipping will always produce such perfect results. It's usually, but not always, more complicated than that Dad might have replied, "I'm glad you understand where I'm from, son. Now do your homework." into someone else's RBA and that you'll get further than you would with a "fight or flight" approach. If you're still a skeptic, I urge you to give it a try. I think you'll be pleasantly surprisedbe. Disclaimer. If you practice mirroring but don't really want to understand others, they will see through it and feel manipulated. Mirroring is an ability, the tip of the iceberg. Your attitude or desire to truly understand another is the lurking mass of ice beneath the surface. If your attitude is right, but you don't have the necessary skills, then everything is fine. But it doesn't work the other way around. If you have both the attitude and the skills, you will become a powerful communicator!
Here are a few mirror phrases to use when trying to practice real listening. Remember, your goal is to repeat in your own words what another person is saying and feeling. Mirror Sentences • “It sounds like you're feeling . . .” • “As I see it . . .” • “I can see how you feel. . .” • “You feel that . . .” • “So what you're saying is . . .”
Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf. Native American proverb
Important Note: There is a time and place for genuine listening. You should do this if you are talking about an important or sensitive topic, such as B. when a friend really needs help or when you have a communication problem with a loved one. These conversations take time and you can't rush them. However, this is not necessary for informal conversations or everyday small talk: "Man, where is the bathroom? I must be getting really sick.” “So you're saying you're worried you won't find a toilet in time.” Real listening in action Let's take another look at the sister who needs a listening ear from her big brother, um to illustrate how different genuine listening is. Sister says: “I don't like our new school at all. Ever since we moved, I've felt like the ultimate outcast. I wish I could make some new friends.” The brother could use any of the following responses: “Pass the chips on?” (space) “Yeah yeah, sounds great.” (pretend to listen) “Speaking of friends, my friend Julio . . ." (Selective listening) "What you need to do is meet new people." (Advice) "You're not trying hard enough." (Judging) "Are you struggling with your grades too?" (Inquiring) But if the If big brother is smart, he'll try to mirror it: "You feel like school is pretty tough right now." (Mirroring) "It's the worst. I mean I don't have any friends. And that girl Tabatha was so rude to me. She's literally like the queen bee in Mean Girls. Oh, I just don't know what to do." "Sounds like you're confused." (Mirroring) "I mean, yeah! I've always been popular and suddenly no one knows my name. I've been trying to meet people, but it's not really working." "I see you're frustrated." (Flip) "Yes. I probably sound psycho or something. Anyway, thanks for listening.” “No problem.” "What do you think I should do?" By listening, the big brother made a huge deposit into his sister's RBA. In addition, the little sister is now open to his advice. It is now time for him to try to be understood, to share his point of view. A guy named Andy shared this: I was having communication issues with my girlfriend who I care deeply about. We had been together for a year and we started fighting a lot. I was really afraid that I might lose her. As I learned to understand first and then be understood, and how to apply the relationship bank account to relationships, I took it
very personal. I realized that I had always tried to interpret what she was saying, but had never really listened to her with an open mind. It saved our relationship and we're still together two years later. Our relationship is much more mature than most couples because we both believe in Habit 5. We use them for both big decisions and small ones, like going out to eat. Every time I'm with her, I honestly keep telling myself, "Now shut up and try to understand her."
• COMMUNICATION WITH PARENTS Communication is difficult enough on its own, but throw Mom or Dad into the mix and you've got storms ahead. I got along with my parents pretty well as a teenager, but sometimes I was convinced that aliens lived in their bodies. I felt like they didn't understand me or respect me as an individual, just lumped me in with the other kids. But no matter how distant your parents may seem at times, life will be so much better when you can communicate.
If you want to improve your relationship with mom or dad (and shock them in the process), try listening to them just like you would a friend. Well, it might seem strange to treat your parents like they're normal people and all, but it's worth a try. We always tell our parents, "You don't understand me. Nobody understands me." But have you ever stopped to think that maybe you don't understand them? They have pressure too, you know? While they worry about their friends and your upcoming history test, they worry about their bosses and how they're going to pay for your braces. Like you, they have days when they get offended at work and go to the bathroom to cry. They have days when they don't know how to pay the bills. Your mother may have too much work stress to just sit down and relax in the evenings. Your father may be laughed at by the neighbors because of the car he drives. They may have unfulfilled dreams that they had to sacrifice so that you can achieve yours. Hey , Parents are human too. They laugh, they cry, their feelings get hurt, and they don't always have something in common, just like me and you If you understand and listen to them, two incredible things will happen
happen. First, you will gain a greater respect for them. When I turned nineteen, I remember reading one of my father's books for the first time. He was a successful author and everyone had always told me how great their books were, but I had never taken the time to look at one until then. "Wow," I thought after I finished the first book, "Dad is smart." And over the years I've been convinced that I'm smarter. Second, if you take the time to understand and listen to your parents, you'll come out on top a lot more often. This is not a manipulative trick, this is a principle. If they feel like you understand them, they'll be much more willing to listen to you, they'll be more flexible, and they'll trust you more. A mother once said to me, "If my teenage daughters would just take the time to understand my busy world and do small things around the house to help me, I would give them so many privileges that they wouldn't." would know what to do with them.”
So how can you better understand your parents? Start by asking them a few questions. When was the last time you asked your mom or dad, "How was your day today?" or "Tell me what you like and dislike about your job," or "Is there anything I can do to help around the house?" They can also start making small deposits into their RBA. Ask yourself, “What do my parents consider a down payment?” Step into their footsteps and think about it from their perspective, not yours. A deposit can mean taking out the recycling without being asked or making a commitment to be home on time or, if you don't live at home, to call at the weekend.
Then try to be understood I saw the results of a poll asking people about their biggest fears. "Death" came out as number two. You'll never guess what the biggest fear was. It was "public speaking". People would actually rather die than speak in public! It takes courage to speak out publicly, there is no doubt about that. But it also takes courage to express yourself in general. The second half of Habit 5, Then trying to be understood, is just as important as the first half but requires something different from us. To understand first requires
Respect, but being understood takes courage. Only practice the first half of habit 5, seek first to understand is weak. It's lose-win. It's the floor mat syndrome. Still, it's an easy trap to fall into, especially with parents. "I'm not going to tell Dad how I feel. He won't listen and he would never understand.” So we harbor these feelings inside while our parents never know how we really feel. But that's not healthy. Remember that unspoken feelings never die. They are buried alive and come out later in an uglier way. You have to share your feelings or they will eat your heart out. Also, if you've taken the time to listen, there's a very good chance you'll be heard. In the following story, notice how Leigh practiced both halves of the habit: I was sick and missed a day of school. My parents were worried that I wasn't getting enough sleep and staying out too late. Instead of making up a bunch of excuses, I tried to understand her reasoning. And I agreed with them. But I also explained to them that I'm trying to have a fun senior year, and that includes spending time with my friends. My parents were willing to see the situation from my point of view and we agreed on a compromise. I should stay and rest on one of the days of this weekend. I don't think my parents would have been so forgiving if I hadn't tried to understand them first.
Giving feedback is an important part of trying to be understood. If done right, it can be a deposit into the RBA. For example, if someone's fly is untied, provide feedback. You will be very grateful, believe me. If you have a close friend who has bad breath (to the point where they're developing a reputation for it), don't you think he or she would appreciate honest feedback conveyed gently? Have you ever come home from a date only to find you've had a large chunk of meat between your teeth all evening? With horror, you instantly recall every smile you made that night. Don't you wish your date had told you? If your RBA is high with someone, feel free to give open feedback without hesitation. My younger brother Joshua, a senior in high school, shared this: One beautiful thing about having older brothers or sisters is the feedback they give you. When I come home from a high school basketball or football game, Mom and Dad meet me at the door and go over all the major plays I've made. Mom will rave about my talent and Dad will say it was my leadership skills that brought the team to victory. When my sister Jenny comes into the kitchen, I ask her how I've been. She'll tell me how normally I played and I'd better pull myself together if I want to keep my starting position and she hopes I'll play better in the next game and not embarrass her.
Because Jenny and Josh are very close, they can give open feedback. Keep these two points in mind when providing feedback. First, ask yourself, "Will this feedback really help this person, or am I just doing it to fit in and fix them?" If your motive for providing the feedback isn't in their best interest, then it probably isn't the right time or place for it. Second, send "I" messages instead of "you" messages. In other words, give feedback in the first person. Say, "I'm worried that you have a temper problem," or "I feel like you've been acting selfish lately." "You" messages are more threatening because they sound like you're accusing. "You are so self-centered." "You have a terrible temper." The other person will feel offended! Well, that should pretty much wrap it up. I don't have much more to say about this habit, except to end with the thought we started with: You have two ears and one mouth - use them accordingly.
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS Next, find out how 1 plus 1 can sometimes add up to 3. See you there!
See how long you can maintain eye contact with someone while they're talking to you. Yes, it feels intense at first, but it's a powerful way of communicating with someone. (Especially with a crush, btw.)
Occasionally people watch. See how others communicate with each other. Watch what their body language says.
In your interactions today, try mirroring one person and mimicking another just for fun (or maybe you're just mimicking in your head). Compare the results.
Ask yourself, “Which of the five poor listening styles do I have the most trouble with—keeping a distance, pretending to listen, selective listening, listening to words, or listening egocentrically (judge, advise, scrutinize)? Now try going a day without it. The bad listening style I struggle with the most: ..........................
Sometime this week, ask your mom or dad, “How are you?” Open your heart and practice genuine listening. You'll be surprised at what you learn.
If you're a speaker, take a break and spend your day listening. Only speak if you have to.
The next time you find yourself wanting to bury your feelings deep inside, don't. Instead, express them in a responsible and honest way.
Think of a situation where your constructive feedback would really help someone else. Let them know when the time is right. Person who could benefit from my feedback:......................................
Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much. HELEN KELLER
Have you ever seen a flock of geese migrating south in a V formation for the winter? Scientists have learned some amazing things about why they fly like this:
• By flying in formation, the whole flock can fly 71 percent farther than if each bird flies alone. When a goose flaps its wings, it creates an updraft for the following goose. • When the lead goose gets tired, it turns to the back of the V and allows another goose to take the lead position. • The geese in the back honk to encourage those in front. • When a goose falls out of formation, it immediately feels the resistance of attempting to fly alone and quickly rejoins the formation. • Finally, if one of the geese gets sick or injured and falls out of formation, two geese will follow it down to help and protect it. They stay with the injured goose until it gets better or dies, and then join a new formation or start their own to catch up with the group. Clever birds, those geese! By sharing in each other's drafts, taking turns in the lead, honking one another's horns, staying in formation, and watching over the wounded, they accomplish so much more than when each bird flies alone. I wonder if they took a class in Habit 6, Synergize. Hmmm . . . So what does "synergy" mean? At its core, synergy is achieved when two or more people work together to create a better solution than either one could alone. It's not your way or my way, but a better way, a higher way.
Synergy is the reward, the delicious fruit you will taste as you get better at living the other habits, especially in win-win thinking and trying to understand first. Learning to synergize is like learning to form V formations with others, rather than trying to fly through life on your own. You'll be amazed at how much faster and farther you'll go! To better understand what synergy is, let's look at what synergy is not. SYNERGY IS:
SYNERGY IS NOT:
Do you think you're always right?
Find new and better ways
• SYNERGY IS EVERYWHERE Synergy is everywhere in nature. The tall Sequoia trees (which grow to 300 feet or more tall) grow in clusters and share a variety of intermingled roots. Without each other they would be blown away in the storm. Many plants and animals live together in symbiosis. If you've ever seen a picture of a small bird feeding on a rhino's back, you've seen synergy. Everyone benefits: the bird is fed and the rhino is cleaned.
Synergy is nothing new. If you've ever been on a team of any kind, you've felt it. If you've ever worked on a group project that really got together or been on a really fun group date, you've felt it. A good song is a great example of synergy. It's not just the beats, the vocals or the lyrics - they all together make up the "sound". Every musician and producer brings their own
or use their strengths to create something better than anyone could do alone. No part is more important than another, just different.
• CELEBRATING DIFFERENCES Synergies don't just happen. It's a process. You have to get there. And the foundation for getting there is this: learn to celebrate differences. I'll never forget meeting a Tonga kid named Fine (pronounced fee-nee) Unga in high school. At first I was totally intimidated by him. I mean, the guy was built like a tank, strong as a bull, and rumor had it that he was a street fighter. We looked, dressed, talked, thought and ate differently (you should have seen this guy eating) differently. The only thing we had in common was football. How on earth did we become best friends? Maybe it was because we were so different. I never quite knew what Fine was thinking or what he was going to do next and vice versa. That was really refreshing. I especially enjoyed being his friend when a fight broke out. He had strengths I didn't have and I had strengths he didn't have. Together we were a great team. Boy am I glad the world isn't full of clones who act and think just like me. Thank goodness for diversity. The word diversity usually evokes racial and gender differences, but there is so much more to it. As you've probably noticed by now, humans have a variety of physical characteristics - hair textures, nose sizes, clothing styles. There are also endless differences in language, wealth, family background, religious beliefs, lifestyle, education, interests, skills, age and so on and so on. like dr Seuss in One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish said:
We see them coming. we see them go Some are fast. And some are slow. Some are tall. And some are low. None of them is like the other. Don't ask us why. Go and ask your mother.
The world is a great melting pot of cultures, races, religions and ideas. As this diversity grows around you, you must make an important decision about how to deal with it. There are three possible approaches you can take: Stage 1: Avoiding Diversity Stage 2: Tolerating Diversity Stage 3: Celebrating Diversity Profile of Shunners Shunners are afraid (sometimes scared to death) of difference. It bothers them that someone has a different skin color, worships a different god, or wears a different brand of jeans than they do, because they're convinced their lifestyle is the "best," "right," or "only" way. They enjoy it to poke fun at those who are different while believing all the time that they are saving the world from a terrible plague, if need be they do not hesitate to fight back, often forming gangs, cliques or anti-groups, because as we mentioned, strength is in numbers.
GARFIELD © 1981 Paws, Inc. Reprinted with permission from UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE. All rights reserved.
Tolerant Profile Tolerants believe that everyone has the right to be different. They don't shy away from diversity, but they don't welcome it either. Her motto is: “You keep to yourself and I keep to myself. Do your thing and let me do mine. You don't bother me and I don't bother you.” Despite being close, they never achieve synergy because they see differences as obstacles rather than potential strengths to build on. You "put up with" your differences, but never try to understand or learn from them. They don't know what's missing. The Celebrators Profile Celebrators appreciate differences. They see them as an advantage, not a weakness. They have learned that two people who think differently can achieve more than two people who think differently
how. You realize that celebrating differences doesn't mean you necessarily agree with those differences, such as: B. Being a Democrat or Republican, just that you appreciate them. In her eyes, diversity = creative sparks = opportunity. So where do you fall on the spectrum? Look carefully. When someone's clothes are "different," do you appreciate their unique style of dressing, or do you think they're "alien"? Think of a group that has opposing religious beliefs to yours. Do you respect their beliefs or do you write them off as a bunch of lunatics? If someone lives in a different part of town than you, do you think they could teach you a thing or two, or do you refer to them by where they live? The truth is that celebrating diversity is a struggle for most of us, depending on the issue. For example, you may value ethnic and cultural diversity and in the same breath look down on someone for the clothes they wear.
• WE ARE ALL A MINORITY OF ONE It is much easier to appreciate differences when we realize that we are all, in one way or another, a minority of one. And we should remember that diversity is not only an external thing, but an internal one as well. Everyone has their own unique way of thinking - even on the same topic. Think about how different you are from your friends or family members. Do you all react to life's problems in the same way? Hardly! Think about it: some people are looser and some are tighter, for example. How else are we different on the inside? Spring . . . We learn differently. As you've probably noticed, your friend's or sister's brain doesn't work like yours. dr Thomas Armstrong has identified seven types of intelligence and says children learn best through their most dominant intelligence: • LINGUISTIC: Learning through reading, writing, storytelling • LOGICAL-MATHEMATICAL: Learning through logic, patterns, categories, relationships • PHYSICAL -KINESTHETICS : learning through body sensations, touch • SPATIAL: learning through images and images • MUSICAL: learning through sound and rhythm • INTERPERSONAL: learning through interaction and communication with others • INTRAPERSONAL: learning through their own feelings One species is not better than another, just different . You can be logical-mathematical dominant and your sister can be interpersonal dominant. Depending on your approach to diversity, you could say she's weird because she's so talkative, or you could take advantage of those differences and get her to help you in your language classes. We see differently. Everyone sees the world differently and has a different paradigm about themselves, others and life in general. To understand what I mean, let's do an experiment. Consider the image below for a few seconds. Now look at the picture at the bottom of page 194 and describe what you see. You could say that the picture on page 194 is an ornate drawing of a small mouse with a long tail.
But what if I tell you that you're wrong? What if I told you that I don't see a mouse at all, but a squiggly drawing of a man with glasses? Would you value my opinion or would you think I'm an idiot for not seeing the way you see it? To understand my point, turn to page 201 and look at the image in the middle of this page for a second. Then look again at page 194. Now can you see what I see? It shows that all of your past events have formed a lens or paradigm through which you see the world. And since no one's past is exactly the same as anyone else's, no two people look alike. Some see mice and some see people, and both are right. Once you understand that everyone sees the world differently and that everyone can be right, it will increase your understanding and respect for different viewpoints. You might want to try the same experiment with a friend. We have different styles, characteristics and characteristics. The following exercise is not intended to be an in-depth diagnosis, but rather a fun look at some of your general characteristics and personality traits. This exercise was developed by the Legislator's School in North Carolina and adapted from It's All in Your Mind by Kathleen Butler. Read each line and put a 4 in the blank that best describes it. Now put a 3 in the blank for the second word that best describes you. Do the same for the last few words, using a 2 and a 1. Do this for each row. EXAMPLE Imaginative
1 Analytical COLUMN 3
In terms of
Now add up your totals (without the example, of course) for each column and enter the total in the gaps below. COLUMN 1
If your highest score was in column 1, consider yourself a grape. If your highest score was in column 2, consider yourself an orange. If your highest score was in column 3, consider yourself a banana. If your highest score was in column 4, consider yourself a melon. Now find your fruit below and check out what this can mean for you. GRAPES Natural abilities include: • • • • •
Be thoughtful Be sensitive Be flexible Be creative Be fond of group work
Grapes learn best when they: • • • •
Can work and share with others
Grapes may have difficulty: • Giving accurate answers • Focusing on one thing at a time • Organizing To expand their style, Grapes need to: • Pay more attention to detail • Not rush • Be less emotional about some decisions ORANGES Natural abilities include: • • • • •
Experiment Be independent Be curious Different approaches create change
Oranges learn best when they: • • • •
Can use trial and error Can produce real products Can compete Are self-determined
Oranges can have problems: • meeting time limits • following a lecture • having few options or choices
To expand their style, Oranges need to: • delegate responsibility • be more accepting of others' ideas • learn to prioritize BANANAS Natural abilities include: • • • •
Planning fact finding organization following instructions
Bananas learn best when they: • • • •
Have an orderly environment Achieve specific outcomes Can trust others to contribute Have predictable situations
Bananas may have difficulty: • Understanding feelings • Dealing with resistance • Answering “what if” questions To expand their style, bananas need to: • Be more expressive of their own feelings • Receive explanations for the views of others • Be less rigid
MELONS Natural abilities include: • • • •
Discuss viewpoints Find solutions Analyze ideas Determine value or importance
Melons learn best when they: • • • •
Have access to resources Able to work independently Be respected for their intellectual abilities Follow traditional methods
Melons can have difficulty: • working in groups • being criticized • persuading others diplomatically
To expand their style, melons must: • Accept imperfection • Consider all alternatives • Consider the feelings of others
• CELEBRATE YOUR OWN DIVERSITY We tend to ask: Which fruit is the best? The answer is: That's a stupid question. I have three brothers. We have some things in common, like nose size and parents, but we're very different. When I was younger, I always tried to prove to myself that my talents were better than theirs: "So what if you're more open-minded than me. I always did better in school than you and that's more important anyway.” I've since seen the stupidity of that way of thinking and I'm still learning to appreciate the fact that my brothers have theirs
strengths and I have mine. Nobody is better or worse, just different. That's why you shouldn't feel so bad if a member of the opposite sex (whom you're dying to date) isn't into you. They may be the most luscious and delicious grape, but he or she may be looking for an orange. And no matter how much you want a change from fruit, you're a grape and they want an orange. But no worry. A grape picker will definitely come along. It all evens out. Instead of trying to fit in and be like everyone else, be proud of and celebrate your unique differences and qualities. A fruit salad is delicious precisely because each fruit retains its own flavor.
• STREETBLOCKS TO CELEBRATE DIFFERENCES While there are many, three of the biggest obstacles to synergy are ignorance, cliques and prejudice. Ignorance. Ignorance means you are clueless. You don't know what other people are feeling or thinking or what they've been through. When it comes to understanding people with disabilities, ignorance often abounds, as Crystal Lee Helms explained in an article sent to Mirror, a Seattle-area newspaper: My name is Crystal. I'm 5'1" tall with blonde hair and hazel eyes. Big deal right? What if I told you I'm deaf? In a perfect world it wouldn't/shouldn't matter. We don't live in a perfect world but it does matter. The moment someone knows I'm deaf their whole attitude changes. Suddenly they look at me differently. You'd be surprised at how people act. The most common question I get is, "How did you go deaf?" When I tell them, their reaction is as normal as the question itself, "Oh, I'm so sorry. It's so sad." Whenever that happens, I just look them in the eye and tell them calmly, "No, really, it's not sad at all. Don't apologize." No matter how good the intentions, pity always touches me upset my stomach. Not all shots put me on the defensive. Some are just plain funny. I signed with my friends and some guy I didn't know came up to me and started talking. "What's it like being deaf to be?" "I don't know. How is it to hear? I mean nothing compares to it. It's just like that." You see, the thing is this: When you meet someone who is deaf, don't write them off as disabled or disadvantaged, but take the time to get to know them and find out what it means to be deaf You open yourself to understanding not only others, but above all yourself.
cliques. There's nothing wrong with hanging out with guys or girls you're comfortable with; it only becomes a problem when your circle of friends becomes so exclusive that they reject anyone who isn't like them. It's kind of difficult to appreciate differences in a close-knit clique. Those on the outside feel like second-class citizens, while those on the inside often suffer from superiority complexes. But breaking into a clique is not difficult. All you have to do is lose your identity, be assimilated and become part of the Borg collective.
Prejudice. Have you ever felt stereotyped, labeled, or judged by someone because of your skin, gender, accent, or where you live? Isn't it a sick feeling? Unfortunately, although we are all created equal, we are not all treated equally. It is a sad fact that minorities and women often face additional obstacles in life due to prejudice. The United States has elected an African American President, but racism is still a big problem. This is Natarsha's experience: racism can make success more difficult. If you're a black student in the top 10 percent of your class and have a 4.0 GPA, some people tend to feel threatened. I just wish people would realize that everyone, no matter where they come from or what color their skin is, deserves the same opportunities. As far as my friends and I are concerned, prejudice will always be a struggle.
We are not born with prejudice. You are learned. Children, for example, are color blind. But as they mature, they begin to pick up on the prejudices of others and build walls, as Rodgers and Hammerstein's lyrics to a song from the old classic musical South Pacific explain: You have to be taught to be afraid of people, their eyes are strangely made, and people whose skin is a different shade must be carefully taught to you. You must be taught before it's too late, before you are six or seven or eight to hate all the people your relatives hate, you must be taught carefully! The following poem by an unknown source tells the sad story of what happens when people prejudice one another. THE COLD WITHIN
Six people trapped by chance in the desolate and bitter cold, each possessing a wooden stick, so the story is told.
Their dying fire needed logs, the first man held back, for of the faces around the fire he noticed that one was black. The next man who looked across the path saw one who was not of his church and could not bring himself to give his Birkenstock to the fire. The third sat in torn clothes, he tore open his cloak, why should his log serve to warm the idle rich? The rich man just sat back and thought of the wealth he had in store and how he could keep what he earned from the lazy, helpless poor. The black man's face betrayed vengeance as the fire disappeared from sight, for all he saw in his wooden staff was a chance to defy the whites. The last man of this lost group did nothing but win. Giving only to those who gave was his way of playing the game. Their logs, held firmly in Death's still hand, were evidence of human sin. They didn't die from the cold on the outside - they died from the cold on the inside.
• COMMITMENT TO DIVERSITY Fortunately, there are many people in the world who are warm-hearted and appreciate diversity. The following story by Bill Sanders is a wonderful example of speaking up for diversity and showing courage: A few years ago, I witnessed courage that sent shivers down my spine. At a high school reunion I was talking about how to piss people off and how each of us has the ability to stand up for people rather than put them down. After that, we had a time when anyone could come down from the stands and speak into the microphone. The students were able to thank someone who had helped them and some people came and did just that. One girl thanked some friends who had helped her through family problems. A boy spoke of some of the people who had supported him during an emotionally difficult time. Then an older girl got up. She stepped up to the microphone, pointed to the second grade and challenged her whole school. "Let's stop picking on this boy. Sure, he's different than us, but we're in this together. Inside, he is no different from us and needs our acceptance, love, compassion and approval. he needs a friend Why do we keep brutalizing him and putting him down? I urge the whole school to exonerate him and give him a chance!” Differences create the challenges in life that open the door to discovery.
American Sign Language symbol for "WE ARE DIVERSE"
The whole time she shared I had my back to the department this boy was in and I had no idea who he was. But obviously the school knew. I was almost afraid to look at his section, thinking the boy must be red-faced, like to crawl under his seat and hide from the world. But when I looked back, I saw a boy smiling from ear to ear. His whole body rocked up and down and he raised a fist in the air. His body language said, "Thank you, thank you. Tell them. You saved my life today!”
If you've been bullied yourself, you know how it feels. It's a horrible thing no one ever has to go through. So look out for the brave moments where you can stop bullying another person instantly, whether it's live or online.
Finding the High Way Once you've committed to the idea that differences are a strength, not a weakness, and committed to at least trying to celebrate differences, you're ready to find the high way. The Buddhist definition of the Middle Way is not a compromise; it means higher, like the apex of a triangle. Synergy is more than compromise or cooperation. Compromise is 1 + 1 = 11/2. Cooperation is 1 + 1 = 2. Synergy is 1 + 1 = 3 or more. It's creative collaboration, with an emphasis on the word creative. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Builders know all about it. If a 2" x 4" beam can support 607 pounds, then two 2" x 4" beams should be able to support 1,214 pounds. Right? In fact, two 2" x 4" can carry 1,821 pounds. If you nail them together, two 2" x 4" can now carry 4,878 pounds. And three 2" x 4" nailed together can carry 8,481 pounds. Musicians know how to do it too. They know that when a C and a G note are perfectly matched, a third note or an E is formed.
Finding the High Way always brings more, as Laney found: In my physics lab, the teacher demonstrated the impulse principle and our task was to build a catapult like in the Middle Ages. We called it a pumpkin launcher. There were three of us in our group, two boys and myself. We're all very different, so we came up with a lot of different ideas. One of us wanted to use bungee cords to make the launcher tip over. Someone else wanted to use tension and ropes. We tried both without much success and then found a way to use both together. There was much more spring than either would have alone. It was cool because it doubled the length of our recording.
Synergies occurred as the founders of the United States formed their governmental structure. William Paterson proposed the New Jersey Plan, which said states should have equal representation in government regardless of population. This plan favored the smaller states. James Madison had another idea, known as the Virginia Plan, which argued that states with larger populations should have larger representation. This plan favored the larger states. After several weeks of debate, they came to a decision that satisfied all parties.
They agreed to have two branches of Congress. In one branch, the Senate, each state would have two representatives, regardless of population. In the other division, the House of Representatives, each state would get representatives by population.
Although it's called the Great Compromise, this famous decision could really be called the Great Synergy because it turned out to be better than any of the original proposals.
• ACHIEVING SYNERGY Whether you're arguing with your parents about dating and lockdown policies, choosing teams to shoot hoops, or just disagreeing with your best friend, there's a way to achieve synergy. Here's a simple five-step process to help you get there.
Directions to Synergy
DEFINE THE PROBLEM OR OPPORTUNITY
YOUR WAY (First try to understand the ideas of others.)
MY WAY (Make an effort to be understood by sharing your ideas.)
BRAINSTORM (Create new options and ideas.)
HIGH WAY (Find the best solution.) PHOTOCOPY THIS ACTION PLAN AND PLACE IT FOR YOUR FREQUENT REFERENCE.
Let's try the action plan on a problem to see how it works.
The holiday I don't care how you feel. You take this vacation whether you like it or not. We've been planning this for months and it's important that we spend some time together as a family. I don't want you to stay here alone. I would be concerned about what you're doing and who you're hanging out with. We want you with us.
DEFINE THE PROBLEM OR OPPORTUNITY
In this case we have a problem. It's like this: My parents want me to go on vacation with the family, but I prefer to stay at home and go out with my friends. YOUR WAY (First try to understand the ideas of others.)
Try to use the listening skills you learned in Habit 5 so you can really understand your mother and father. Remember, if you want power and influence with your parents, they need to feel understood. Here's what you'll learn if you listen: This holiday is very important to my father. He wants to have some family bonding time. He feels like it won't be the same without me. Mom feels like she would worry so much about me being home alone that she wouldn't enjoy the holiday. MY WAY (Try to be understood by sharing your ideas.)
Now practice the second half of Habit 5 and have the courage to share your feelings. If you've taken the time to listen to them, they're much more likely to listen to you. So tell your parents how you feel. Mom and Dad I want to stay home and be with my friends. You are very important to me. We have big plans and I don't want to miss the fun. Also, driving with a little sister in the car all day makes me crazy. BRAINSTORM (Create new options and ideas.)
This is where the magic happens. Use your imagination and create new ideas together that you would never come up with on your own. As you brainstorm, keep these tips in mind: • GET CREATIVE: Throw out your wildest ideas. Let it flow. • AVOID CRITICISM: Nothing slows the flow of creativity like criticism. Resist. • PIGGYBACK: Keep building on the best ideas. It's called a piggyback. One great idea leads to another, which in turn leads to another. Brainstorming leads to the following ideas: • Dad said we could go to a vacation spot that I would enjoy more. • I mentioned that I could stay with relatives nearby.
• Mom suggested I take a friend with me. • I mentioned that I use my savings and take the bus out to meet her so I don't have to travel in a crowded car. • Mom was willing to shorten the vacation to make it easier for me. • I suggested staying home for part of the vacation and coming later. • Dad was willing to let me stay home if I cleaned up his computers so they run faster when they're gone.
HIGH WAY (Find the best solution.)
After a while of brainstorming, the best idea usually emerges. Now all you have to do is push through. We all agreed that I could stay home for the first half of the week and then go to family with a friend for the second half. They even offered to pay for my friend and I's bus fare if I cleaned up the computers. It's not hard work, so I'll still have time to hang out with my friends. You are happy and so am I. If you follow the basics of the formula above, you will be amazed at what can happen. But it takes a lot of maturity to achieve synergies. You have to be willing to listen to the other point of view. Then you must have the courage to state your point of view. After all, you have to let your creativity run free. See how this 11th grader named Erica came to synergy: As the editor-in-chief of the school newspaper, I had a lot of responsibility to delegate. I wanted to add a new section this year to spice things up a bit, so I came up with this idea: We would do a feature about a different kid each week and interview them about their talents and interests. My associate editor just wanted to pick popular kids from the older grades, but I said, why don't we reach a bigger audience? What if there are some newcomers with great talent who are too shy to show their skills?
So I posted on the newspaper's Twitter page about how we were looking for kids at school with unique stories and abilities, and people started posting and tweeting us right away. A guy was a really great break dancer and sent us a video to upload. Another girl showed us that she is fully bilingual in Spanish and English and translated a poem for us to publish in the newspaper. This shy boy in my art class sent a video of himself playing bass in his band, and it turns out he's a really good musician! My co-editor really came into this open call - I think he realized pretty quickly how limited we would have been if we were just looking for popular kids. Last week he and I proposed to the student council that they start a talent show so everyone can do these things in person, not just online! Overall it was a surprisingly great way to see how the
Student body is a synergy of each individual with unique talents and personalities.
Go for It The Getting to Synergy Action Plan can be used in all sorts of situations: • You've just been assigned a group biology project with three people you don't even know. • You are responsible for social media in your summer job and have to juggle several opinions. • You want to go to college, but your parents are unwilling to help you finance it. • As the representative of the student body, you and your team are responsible for planning Homecoming. • You and your stepmother disagree about your curfew. • You always argue with your brother about who gets to use your mother's laptop. The Getting to Synergy Action Plan is a guideline, nothing more. The steps don't always have to be in order, and you don't always have to follow them all. If someone's RBA is extremely high, you can virtually skip the first three steps and start brainstorming right away. On the other hand, if your RBA is low, you may need to take more time to listen. It may take several conversations to resolve some issues. Be patient.
Synergy doesn't just happen. It's a process. You have to get there.
Despite Herculean efforts on your part to find the highway, sometimes the other party makes no effort at all. You may simply need to keep building the RBA in these situations. How do you usually resolve conflicts? Most of the time people fight (with words or fists) or flee (don't say anything or pick up). Well things are looking good. . . The Getting to Synergy Action Plan offers an alternative. Imagine that you and your best friend were running for various student council offices in your high school. You won. She lost. She hasn't spoken to you much since the election. Each of you feels that the other person is not doing enough to keep in touch, to allay jealousy, or to keep the friendship going. It builds tension. After recently learning about synergy, you decide to try the Getting to Synergy action plan while on the phone with that best friend.
DEFINE THE PROBLEM OR OPPORTUNITY
SHE: I feel like it's been pretty tough since the election, you know. I guess I don't know what's really going on. (silence only) It just seems like whenever we see each other, there's this weird energy, you know, either we don't talk at all or things just turn into some kind of argument. (more silence) Wanna try to figure that out? YOU: I think so.
YOUR WAY (First try to understand the ideas of others.)
SHE: Well, first of all, how does everything make you feel? YOU: That's easy. Ever since you won, you just think you're better than me. You have this meeting and this club and this game. . . SHE: It's just that things got so crazy so fast, you know? SHE: No I don't know, I wish I had but I didn't win, remember? YOU: Look, I'm sorry you didn't win, I really do, but – SHE: Whatever. I mean are you really too busy to text me? SHE: You feel like I'm too busy for you? YOU: Absolutely. It's like you're a different person or something. And you're always hanging out with all these student council kids and I feel like a total failure. SHE: This whole thing really hurt you. YOU: You have no idea. How would you feel if you lose and I win and I suddenly stop talking to you? SHE: I would feel bad too. SHE: Yes, sure. DU: So it's like your best friend suddenly thinks she's better than you and doesn't have time for you and you're totally cut off from everything. Is that it? YOU: You got it.
MY WAY (Try to be understood by sharing your ideas.)
SHE: I'm sorry you feel this way. Do you mind if I tell you what I'm going through? SHE: I think I already know, but go on. SHE: It's just that I'm so tired after school and meetings and everything that I just come home and break down. It's not you. I don't really feel like talking to anyone. SHE: So busy, huh? DU: And then it's like you're punishing me for winning. YOU: You're probably right. I shouldn't take it out on you.
BRAINSTORM (Create new options and ideas.)
SHE: Well, why don't we figure out how to get together more? SHE: Hey, how about you come over after school on Friday, could we hang out like we used to? SHE: I would if I could, but I have a meeting with my committee and then we all have to go to the game, ride a silly float. Hey, could you come to the game? YOU: I have to work. YOU: From when? YOU: About an hour after the start of the game. SHE: And you don't get it? SHE: No way, I've only just started. SHE: So I guess I'm not the only one busy? SHE: Huh, well, guess not. (long break)
YOU: Hello. . . YOU: What? SHE: Well, it's just an idea, and you might not want to, but what if you joined my committee? We need another girl and then we would see each other often. YOU: Really? I can just do this? I don't have to walk or something? SHE: I'm in charge now, remember I can do anything. (you both laugh)
HIGH WAY (Find the best solution.)
SHE: Well, that would be great. SHE: In fact, how about you just come to the meeting on Friday and then come to the game for a while until you have to work? YOU: That would be perfect. YOU: I think so. SHE: Hey, thanks for taking the time to talk. I would hate if I wasn't your friend. YOU: The same. It's not always that easy. But then again, sometimes it is.
• TEAMWORK AND SYNERGY Great teams are typically made up of five or more different types of people, with each member playing a different but important role. plodder. Confident and steady, they stick with a job until it's done. Follower. They are very supportive of leaders. When they hear a great idea, they can implement it and make it work. innovators. They are the creative idea people. You provide the sparks. harmonizer. They offer unity and support and are great synergists as they work with others and encourage collaboration. show off They are fun to work with, they can be tough at times. They often add the spice and zest needed to bring overall success to the team. Great teamwork is like a great piece of music. All voices and instruments may sing and play simultaneously, but they do not compete. Individually, the instruments and voices make different tones, play different notes, pause at different times; yet they mix to create a whole new sound. That's synergy. The book you're holding oozes with synergy. When I first decided to write it, I felt overwhelmed. So I started out the only way I knew how. I got help I immediately asked a friend for help. I soon assembled a larger team. I identified a few schools and educators from across the country who have agreed to provide feedback on the designs at various stages. I started interviewing teenagers individually and in groups. I hired an artist. I put together contests asking for stories dealing with teenagers and the 7 habits. In the end, well over 100 people were involved in the creation of this book. Slowly but surely everything was coming together. Each person brought their talents and contributed in different ways. While I focused on writing, others focused on what they were good at. One was good at collecting stories. You could find great quotes. Another knew
how to edit. Some were workers, some innovators, some braggarts. It was teamwork and synergy to the max.
The wonderful byproduct of teamwork and synergy is that relationships are built. As Olympic basketball champion Deborah Miller Palmore put it, “Even though you've played the game of your life, it's the feeling of teamwork that will stay with you. You will forget the games, the shots and the results, but you will never forget your teammates."
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS If you keep reading, you'll discover the real reason Beyoncé looks like a million bucks. Just a few more pages and you're done!
If you're dating someone with a disability or impairment, don't feel sorry for them or avoid them because you don't know what to say. Familiarize yourself instead—it will feel more comfortable for everyone.
The next time you have a disagreement with a parent, try The Pathway To Synergy action plan. 1. Deﬁne the problem. 2. Listen to them. 3. Share your views. 4. Brainstorm. 5. Find the best solution.
Use your influence to create synergy in your school this week by using your social media presence to bring people together.
Take a look around this week and notice how many synergies are created around you - in a team, in nature, between friends, in the business world. What kind of creative problem solving do they use?
Think of someone who irritates you. What's different about them? Well, what are their positive traits and what can you learn from them? .......................... ..........
Brainstorm with your friends and come up with something fun, new and different for this weekend instead of doing the same thing over and over again. Rate your openness to diversity in each of the following categories. Are you a shyer, tolerant, or partyer? Avoid
Race Gender Religion Age Clothing What can you do to become an honoree in each category?
Habit 7 – Sharpen the Saw It's "Me Time"
Keep hope alive! Child, you will move mountains
The time to fix the roof is when the sun is shining. US PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY
Do you sometimes feel imbalanced, stressed or empty inside? If so, Habit 7 will be of great help because it's specifically designed to deal with these problems. Why do we call it "sharpening a saw"? Well, imagine you are walking in the woods when you come across a guy who is angrily sawing a tree. "What do you do?" you ask. "I'm sawing a tree right now," comes the terse answer. "How long have you been at this?" "Four hours so far, but I'm really making progress," he says, sweat dripping from his chin. "Your saw looks pretty dull," you say. "Why don't you take a break and sharpen it?" "I can't, you idiot. I'm too busy with saws.” We all know who the real idiot is here, don't we? If the guy took a fifteen minute break to sharpen the saw, he'd probably finish three times faster. Have you ever been too busy driving to take the time to refuel? Have you ever been too busy with your life to take time to renew? Habit 7 is about keeping your personal self sharp so you can handle life better. It means regularly renewing and strengthening the four key dimensions of your life - your body, your brain, your heart and your soul.
The physical dimension Movement, healthy nutrition, good sleep, relaxation.
The Mental Dimension Reading, education, writing, learning new skills, being creative.
The Emotional Dimension Build relationships (RBA, PBA), provide service, laugh, learn to love yourself.
The Spiritual Dimension Meditate, keep a journal, pray, record quality media.
• BALANCE IS BETTER The famous ancient Greek saying “nothing is too much” reminds us of the importance of being balanced and doing everything in moderation. Some people spend countless hours building the perfect body but neglect their brains. Others have minds that can bench 400 pounds but let their bodies degenerate or forget about a social life. In order to perform at your best, you must strive for balance in all four dimensions of life. Why is balance so important? Because how you behave in one dimension of life affects the other three. Think about it: if one of your car's tires is unbalanced, all four will wear unevenly. It's hard to be kind (heart) when you're exhausted (body). It also works the other way around. When you feel motivated and in tune with yourself (Soul), it's easier to focus on work (Mind) and be kinder (Heart). During my school days I studied some great artists, authors and musicians such as van Gogh, Hemingway, Mozart and Beethoven. Many of them were known to be emotionally confused. Why? Your guess is as good as mine, but I think that was because they were out of balance. Apparently they were so focused on one thing, like their music or art, that they neglected the other dimensions of life and lost their bearings. As the saying goes, balance and moderation in all things.
• TAKE TIME FOR TIME OUT Like a car, you need regular maintenance and oil changes. You need time out to rejuvenate the best you have for yourself - yourself! Time to relax and give yourself a little tender loving care is essential. That's what sharpening the saw is all about. Over the next few pages we'll take a look at each dimension, the body, mind, heart and soul, and talk about specific ways to make your saw razor sharp. So read on!
Taking care of your body I hated junior high. I felt uncomfortable and insecure about who I was and my body started going through all kinds of weird changes. I remember my first day of gym class. I had bought my very first jock but had no idea how to put it on. And we boys were all so embarrassed at seeing each other naked for the first time that we just stood around in the shower and giggled.
You may have already noticed that during your teenage years your voice changes, your hormones take over, and curves and muscles start to grow all over you. Welcome to your
new body! In fact, your ever-changing body is truly an amazing machine. But you only get one, and you can either take care of it or abuse it. There are so many ways to stay physically fit. You can eat well, get enough sleep, maintain hygiene, do push-ups or crunches in your room (you don't have to pay for a gym membership), lift weights, take time to relax, walk, dance, do yoga, or try a hundred other things . For now, let's focus on diet and exercise.
• YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT There is a lot of truth to the phrase “You are what you eat”. I'm no nutrition expert, but I found two rules of thumb to keep in mind. First rule of thumb: listen to your body. Pay close attention to how different foods make you feel and use that to develop your own handful of do's and don'ts. For example, if I eat a large meal just before bed, I'll feel terrible in the morning. And whenever I eat too many nachos or pizza, I get a "fat rush." (Have you ever had anything like this?) Those are my don'ts. On the other hand, I've learned that eating lots of fruit and drinking lots of water makes me feel more productive. Those are my responsibilities. Second rule of thumb: be moderate and avoid extremes. For many of us, it's often easier to be extreme than moderate, and so we find ourselves going back and forth between eating like a rabbit and eating like a pig. A little junk food occasionally won't hurt you. (I mean, what would life be like without the occasional Slurpee?) Just don't make it your everyday fare.
JUNK FOOD PLATE (extreme)
Teenage obesity is on the rise and brings with it a boatload of health risks, including type 2 diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure and other problems you don't want. Being overweight doesn't have to affect the rest of your life. You can take control. It all comes down to a healthy diet and moderate exercise. Speak to a doctor or health professional for advice. Educate yourself about diet and exercise. For starters, just aim to lose 10 percent of your body weight at a healthy pace (1 to 2 pounds a week and no more) and see how good you feel.
RABBIT FOOD PLATE (Extreme)
The USDA MyPlate is a balanced nutritional approach that I recommend. As you can see, it encourages us to fill half our plate with fruits and vegetables. The other half should be filled with whole grains (like oatmeal or whole wheat bread) and healthy proteins (like fish, chicken, nuts or beans). There is a smaller circle on the side for a cup of low-fat milk or yogurt. It also tells us to eat less fast food and processed foods, which are often overloaded with fat, sugar, salt and other goodies, and drink 6-8 glasses of water every day, which is essential for your body. Just make sure you're near a bathroom frequently.
• USE IT OR LOSE IT One of my favorite classics is Forrest Gump. It's the story of a naive young man from Alabama with a good heart who keeps stumbling into success against his will. At one point in the film, Forrest is frustrated and confused about his life. So what is he doing? He starts walking and keeps walking. After running back and forth from one coast to the other two and a half times, Forrest feels better and is finally able to put his life in order. We all feel depressed, confused or apathetic at times. In times like these, perhaps the best thing we can do for ourselves is to do what Forrest did: move better. Not only is exercise good for your heart and lungs, but it also gives you amazing energy, relieves stress and clears your mind. There is no one best way to train. Some teenagers play competitive sports; Some prefer running, walking, biking, skateboarding, dancing, yoga, or weightlifting. Still others just want to get out and exercise. "Pain" doesn't have to be the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "exercise." Find something you enjoy so it's easy to stick to a consistent workout schedule. For best results, you should exercise for about thirty minutes at least three times a week.
GARFIELD © 1982 Paws, Inc. Reprinted with permission from UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE. All rights reserved.
• It's all about how you feel, not how you look. But be careful. In your quest for a better physique, be careful not to obsess over your looks. As you've probably noticed, our society is attached to looks. To prove my point, just look at how celebrities are seen in public: tabloids praise their beauty and then criticize every blemish and bit of cellulite. In comparison, it can really unsettle a person when it comes to their looks! As a child I was very insecure because of my chubby cheeks. My father told me that when I was born, my cheeks were so fat that the doctors didn't know where to spank them. I distinctly remember a neighbor - a girl - making fun of my cheeks. My brother David heroically tried to defend me by saying they were made of muscle. It backfired and "Muscle Cheeks" became my least favorite nickname of all. In eighth grade I lost the baby fat on my cheeks. But as my teenage years unfolded, I became insecure about other things, like not having a perfect smile like some of my friends, or those pimples that kept popping up like a bad habit that won't go away. Before you start comparing yourself to the beautiful, fit men and women in magazines and movies and hating everything about your body and your looks, remember that there are millions of healthy, happy teenagers who don't have high cheekbones, no big breasts and not a rock hard body have abs or buns of steel. There are many successful singers, talk show hosts, dancers, athletes, actors and actresses who have all sorts of physical imperfections. You don't have to take steroids or undergo plastic surgery to be happy. If you don't have the "looks" or body type that our society has defined as "ideal," so what? What is popular today will change tomorrow anyway. And the grass is always greener—someone in your class might wish they had your dimples, even if you wish they would just go away. Assume how you look naturally. Even if you don't think it's pretty at the moment, there's always someone who does. Serious! There are many people who love curly hair or crooked noses or gapped teeth - and find these "eccentricities" beautiful and unique. It is important that you feel physically good - and not so much your looks. Oprah Winfrey put it best: “You have to change your perception. It's not about the weight – it's about taking care of yourself every day.” Real life or art? Also, in case you didn't already know, what you see on screen or on paper is not real. They are "images". They are optimized to make the already ripped guys look even more ripped and to make the already skinny women look even skinnier. Thing is, these celebs are just like us — they break out occasionally, their hair frizzes, and their bellies overflow their waistbands
sometimes. The only difference is that they have a crew of retouchers to cover up these "mistakes". Beyoncé has been known to criticize magazines and clothing brands that try to cut out her curves and make her look like a stick figure, knowing full well how much it distorts her fans' expectations of beauty. As a New York Times article by Steve Lohr points out, the photos of celebrities and models in fashion ads and magazines are routinely polished with a dose of digital polish. Retouching may be minor – colors lightened, a stray hair fixed, a pimple healed. Or it can be drastic — losing 10 or 20 pounds, adding a few inches in height, and removing all wrinkles and blemishes, all with Adobe's Photoshop software, the photo retoucher's magic wand.
You're setting pretty unrealistic expectations, aren't you? Some argue that all retouched photos should be flagged so viewers know what they're seeing is about as real as a computer-generated image. Remember, our fetish of skinny and chiseled bodies hasn't always been trendy. Wouldn't it be nice to have lived in 18th century Europe when obesity was "in"; or during the Middle Ages when everyone wore wide robes and no one really knew what your body looked like? Boy, those were the days. Of course you want to look good and be presentable, but be careful: obsessing over looks can be dangerous. It can lead to serious eating disorders such as binge eating, bulimia, or anorexia, or to addiction to performance-enhancing drugs such as steroids. Abusing your body to be accepted by someone else is never worth it. If you're struggling with an eating disorder, you don't need to feel alone. It is a very common problem in teenagers. Humble yourself and admit you have a problem and seek help from friends, family, or groups that specialize in such things. (At the end of the book I have listed some organizations that can help.)
• I CAN STOP WHEN I WANT There are ways to take care of your body and there are ways to destroy it. Using addictive substances like alcohol, drugs, and tobacco is a quick way to do the latter. Alcohol, for example, is often linked to the top three causes of teenage deaths: car accidents, suicide and homicide. And then there's smoking, which has been shown to cloud your eyes, prematurely age your skin, yellow your teeth, cause bad breath, triple
Their tooth decay, receding gums, discoloring the skin on your fingertips, creating fatigue and, of course, causing cancer. There's no reason to smoke anymore other than to think it looks "cool" — but even that logic is outdated. According to the Massachusetts Department of Public Health: Smoking isn't as appealing as you think. In one study, 8 out of 10 men and 7 out of 10 girls said they wouldn't date someone who smoked. So if you smoke, you better get used to kissing that cigarette.
According to the American Lung Association, the top 5 tobacco companies spend $34 million on advertising every day. they want your money After all, a pack of cigarettes a day adds up to about $2,500 a year (or more). Just think how much you could buy with that. Cigarette companies are particularly notorious for targeting teenagers, as if young people are more easily tricked. Don't let her suck you! Now, of course, no one intends to become addicted. It usually begins quite harmlessly. All too often, however, "gateway drugs" like alcohol and tobacco lead to marijuana and eventually to deadly drugs like cocaine, heroin, opiates, LSD, and crystal meth. Some people start using these substances to demonstrate their freedom, only to find that drugs destroy their freedom. Believe me, there are far better ways to emphasize your individuality. Perhaps the worst part about getting an addiction is this: you're out of control - your addiction is. If it bounces, you bounce. Say goodbye to the whole idea of being proactive. I always feel sorry for the people at work who have to go out to smoke no matter what the weather. It's sad to see her standing outside in the pouring rain, panting and unable to control her urges. It's easy to think that addiction is something that only happens to other people and that we could quit at any time. But in reality it's hard. For example, only 25 percent of teenage tobacco users who try to quit are successful. I like what Mark Twain said about how easy it was for him to quit smoking: "I've done it a hundred times." Here is the story of a teenager's struggle to overcome his drug addiction: The first The time I used any drugs or alcohol was when I was fourteen. I didn't even know what drugs were. I really didn't care. Everyone just told me how bad they were. My friend said, "Here, take this. It's pretty cool." So I took it. When I first started, I wanted to be cool. After that, it wasn't peer pressure. It was just me. I started doing drugs and I started drinking more and more and my schoolwork started to slip. My relationships started to decline. I lost touch with my family and I hated that. My attitude towards things took a turn, you know – just a lot of negativity. I caught too started seeing less of my girlfriend. As soon as I started drinking and using drugs, I also noticed some physical issues. I felt really tired all the time. I also lost a lot of weight - about thirty pounds in two months. The other thing was i would go home and run out of toothpaste or something and i would cry i overreacted a lot my temper was really short about a month after my seventeenth birthday i started school caught with drugs. They suspended me for a week and I knew that was the time I needed to pull myself together. So I tried to stop but I couldn't. It's like smoking cigarettes. You can lay one down and say you're going to quit, you're going to quit, but it's really hard to quit. So I stopped hanging out with my old friends and started going to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings and I got a sponsor. AA is a lifelong thing. You have a drink and it messes up everything you've built up to this point. Many of my friends who came to AA have relapsed. But my sponsor really helped me. I know I wouldn't have quit without this program. Since I've been in this program, it's been the greatest life. I do not drink. I do not do drugs. My homework goes up again. My family is closer now than ever. Before that I worked at almost every fast food place in town because I quit every one within two weeks. Now I've only had one job for about two months. I came back to school and started caring. I was nice to people even when they weren't nice to me. I've totally changed my life. I start thinking about college and doing all these things that I never would have thought of doing before. It's really baffling to me why anyone would do that
spend their high school years drinking. It's a scary life.
• THE REFUSAL SKILLTM Staying off drugs is easier said than done. Here are the steps to rejection*** that you might want to consider the next time you feel pressured to drink, smoke, or use drugs but don't really want to. 1. Ask questions. Ask tough questions that really make you think. "Why would I want to smoke?" "What will happen to me if I get stoned tonight?" 2. Name the problem. Put a face to what you do. "Drugs are illegal" "Smoking will take my breath away." 3. Name the consequences. Think about the consequences of your actions. "I could be arrested if caught with drugs." "If I get drunk tonight someone could try to take advantage of me." 4 . Suggest an alternative. Have your own list of fun alternatives ready whenever you're lured. "Hey, why don't we go to the movies instead?" "No, I'd rather play basketball." 5 . Take off. If you find yourself in a situation that just doesn't look good or makes you uncomfortable, don't worry about what everyone might think about you, just walk away. "Sorry everyone, but I'm leaving." Use your creativity to come up with your own approach to avoiding the entire scene, like Jim did: My friends and I just didn't want all the hassle that comes from drinking and using drugs, so we started a group. We were about ten people dedicated to helping our friends stay out of trouble. We hung out together a lot and went to pasta dinners weekly and planned how we could support each other. The support mostly came in the form of talking to others when we saw that they were tempted or faltering, reassuring them that they really didn't need to do those things to be cool, and then instead inviting them to to join our fun . It worked and was really very powerful.
Believe me, you don't miss a thing if you stay away from this stuff. "Life itself," said TV chef Julia Child, "is the right binge." You don't even have to experiment. The short-term bang is never worth the long-term devastation that often follows. If you don't smoke, drink or do drugs, why even start? If so, why not get help and stop? There are far better and more natural ways to get a high out of life. Why don't you try it? (See Info Center at the end of the book for more information.)
Take Care of Your Brain There is a folk tale about a young man who came to Socrates, the great philosopher, and said: 'I want to know everything you know.' 'If it is your wish,' said Socrates, 'follow me to the river.” Full of curiosity, the young man followed. As they sat on the river bank, Socrates said, "Look carefully at the water and tell me what you see." "I see nothing," said the man. "Take a closer look," answered Socrates. As the man peered over the bank and leaned closer to the water, Socrates grabbed the man's head and pushed it under the water. The man's arms flailed wildly as he tried to flee, but Socrates' strong grip kept him underwater. About the time the man was about to drown, Socrates pulled him out of the river and laid him on the bank. Coughing, the man gasped, "Are you crazy, old man? What are you trying to do, kill me?' 'When I held you under the river, what did you want more than anything?' asked Socrates. "I wanted to breathe. I wanted air!” he cried out. "Never make the mistake of thinking that wisdom comes so easily, my young friend," said Socrates. "If you want to learn as badly as you just wanted air, then come back to me."
The point here is clear. Nothing in life is easy. You have to pay the price! Everyone has to pay the price. Write that down. Remember that. underline it. I don't care what people say, there are no free lunches! What a naïve young man to think he could spend a lifetime learning without paying the price. But are we any less naïve to think that we can secure a good job and a bright future if we haven't paid the price of developing a strong mind? In fact, a good education may be the most important price you can pay - because perhaps more than anything else, what you do with that gray mass between your ears will determine your future. In fact, unless you want to spin burgers and live with your parents when you're thirty, you'd better start paying the price now. The mental dimension of Habit 7, sharpening the saw, is developing brain power through your schooling, extracurricular activities, hobbies, jobs, and other mind-expanding experiences.
The Key to Unlocking Your Future When researching this book, I asked a group of teenagers in a survey, "What are your fears?" I was surprised at how many talked about the stress of doing well in school, going to college to leave and get a good job in the future. One said, "What can we do to make sure we can get a job and support ourselves?" The answer is really quite simple. You could try to win the lottery. Your odds of this are about 1 in 175 million. Or you could develop an educated mind. This offers by far the best chance of getting a good job and having a life of your own. What does it take to have an educated mind? It's more than a diploma, although that's an important part of it. It's more than looking up a fact on Wikipedia and then considering yourself an expert. An educated mind is like a well-trained ballerina. A ballerina has perfect control over her muscles. Your body will bend, twist, jump and twist perfectly,
according to her command. Likewise, an educated mind can focus, synthesize, write, speak, create, analyze, imagine, and more. However, this requires training. It won't just happen automatically.
I would suggest that you get as much education as possible. Any further education beyond high school—a college degree, vocational or technical training, an apprenticeship, or military service—is worth your time and money. See it as an investment in your future. Statistics show that a college graduate earns about twice as much as a high school graduate. And the gap seems to be getting bigger. Don't let lack of money be the reason you don't get more education. "If you think education is expensive, try ignorance," said Derek Bok, a former president of Harvard University. You will also be amazed at how many scholarships, grants, loans, and college grants are available if you look for them. In fact, every year millions of dollars in grant and scholarship funds go unclaimed because no one bothered to apply. (See the back cover for more information on grants and scholarships.) Even if you have to sacrifice and work your ass off to pay for your education, it's worth it.
• SHARPEN YOUR MIND There are countless ways to sharpen your mind. The easiest and most straightforward approach is to read. As the saying goes, reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. Reading is the basis for everything else. Books take you to other worlds and you don't have to pay the travel expenses. Below are twenty ways to sharpen your mind. I'm sure you can get another fifty if you try. • Set up a trusted news source as your Internet home page • Follow blogs on topics that interest you • Travel • Plant a garden • Observe wildlife • Attend lectures at a local college • Watch documentaries • Visit a library • Read or listen to the news
• Research your family history • Write a story, poem or song • Play challenging, solitary games like crosswords or sudoku • Debate • Play a game of chess with someone who challenges you • Visit a museum • Talk learn something in class • Take part in a ballet, opera or drama • Learn to play a musical instrument • Ask your friends questions about various topics • Start a blog about your interests, alone or with friends
• FIND YOUR NICHE Even if you endure some subjects you don't enjoy at school, find the subjects you enjoy and build on them. Take extra classes, look at books, and watch movies on the topic. Don't let school be your only form of education. Let the world be your campus.
Of course, some classes are more difficult than others. If you're not an Einstein, you won't find every subject easy. Actually, I take back what I just said - the famous Albert Einstein himself didn't speak until he was four and his parents thought he was retarded. It's understandable to be discouraged from school at times, but please don't drop out. (You'll regret it.) Just keep pushing. Eventually, you're bound to find something that you enjoy or excel at. I once interviewed a strongly right-brained boy named Chris who shared how it took him a long time to fit into school and find his niche: Until I went to school, I was a happy kid. Then the children found out that studying was difficult for me, and they pointed and verbally abused me. I was slow in math, english and grammar. I remember sitting in class one day, divided into groups, when a girl in my group stood up and said, "I'm not going to work with this retarded one," pointing at me. It made me dreadful. During elementary school and middle school, I could hardly read. One day a professional came to our house and after putting me through a series of tests, he told my mother that I would never be able to read. My mother was so angry that she told him to leave the house. Years later, as a new high school student, I picked up a science fiction book one day and, to my surprise, it suddenly became easy to read. The stories in the book captured my imagination and then the words were no longer words but became images in my head and I started reading other books and was really excited about reading and learning. I
started speaking better and using bigger words. It was around this time that I began to excel in the arts. I've learned that I have an incredible eye for shape and color. I have mastered watercolor, oil, painting, drawing and design. I write about my experiences. i write poetry Towards the end of high school I won many art gallery shows and gained a lot of confidence.
• DON'T LET SCHOOL GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR EDUCATION Grades matter: they're a measure of how well you're doing in school. A strong school record opens the door to other educational and job opportunities. But there is so much more to an apprenticeship than good grades. My family is a bunch of technical incompetents. I blame the bad gene on my father. I've seen him several times in "technically challenging" situations, like raising the hood of the car (like he can actually fix something) or trying to change a lightbulb. In these difficult situations, it seems like his brain literally shuts down and stops functioning. It's a phenomenon! Being the proactive person that I am, I decided I wanted to overcome my inherited weakness, so I enrolled in an auto mechanic course during my senior year in high school. I wanted to learn how to do an oil change if it's killing me.
Believe it or not, I got an A on this course, but I'm ashamed to say I learned very little. See, instead of really paying the price for learning, I watched a lot and didn't do much. I never did my chores. And I crammed for all the tests, only to forget what I had learned two hours after taking them. I got the grade, but I didn't get an education. Although grades are important, studying is more important, so don't forget why you're in school in the first place. Over the years I've seen people sacrifice their education for so many silly reasons such as thinking they don't need an education, obsessing over a part-time job, a
girlfriend, a car or a band. I've also seen many athletes sacrifice their training on the altar of sport. I have often been tempted to write letters to these young men and women who are so passionate about sports that they forget about school altogether. In fact, I wrote one for an imaginary athlete, although it's for anyone who needs convincing that it's all about sanity. A LETTER TO AN ATHLETE
Dear _____: I firmly believe in the benefits of athletics. However, after visiting you, I am shocked to learn about your attitude towards the school. You say you want a professional career and don't need an education. I'm saying your chances of going pro are about as good as my dad's chances of growing his hair back. Studies have shown that only one in a hundred high school athletes will play Division I collegiate sports, and that the chances of a high school player making it to the pros are one in ten thousand. Of the hundreds of collegiate athletes I played with in college who hoped to make it pro, I can only remember a handful who did. On the other hand, I can think of many who turned their heads in the name of sport and were then thrown into the working world without a chance or a clue. I'll never forget how one of my teammates gave a Psyche Up speech to our team the night before we played a rival varsity. Having never learned to express himself, all he could do was uncork a barrage of vulgarities that could have cut down a forest. In just three minutes he seemed to have managed to use the f-word as a noun, verb, adjective, pronoun, conjunction and dangling participle. I left this meeting thinking, "Man, get a brain!" Open your eyes! Your education is the key to your future. You say you don't like school. I say what does that have to do with anything? Does anything good in life come easy? Do you like to train every day? Does a medical student enjoy studying for four years? Since when does liking something determine whether you should do it or not? Sometimes you just have to discipline yourself to do things you don't want to do because you hope you will. You say that you are trying to sit down and study but can't because your mind is wandering. I'm saying if you don't learn to control your mind, you won't squat. It's one thing to train your body to perform at its best; it's quite another to control your thoughts, focus, synthesize, and think creatively and analytically for extended periods of time. Sometimes saying "I'm trying" is a lame excuse. Imagine how absurd it would sound if I asked you, "Are you going to eat today, or are you going to try to eat?" Disciplining yourself to do the thing. They say that you can do without studying, that you can survive by cramming and finding ways to beat the system. I say you reap what you sow. Can the farmer cram? Can he or she forget to plant in the spring, starve all summer, and then work really hard in the fall to bring in the harvest? Can you improve your bench press by lifting weights now and then? Your brain is no different than your biceps. In order to improve the strength, speed and endurance of your mind, you need to work on it. There are no shortcuts.
Imagine five pairs of hands. A set belongs to a concert pianist who can delight audiences with beautiful interpretations of the classics. Another to an eye surgeon who can restore lost vision through microscopic surgery. Another for a professional golfer who consistently presses the clutch shot. Another for a blind person who can read tiny raised marks on a page at incredible speed. Another for an artist who can carve beautiful sculptures that inspire the soul. On the surface, the hands look the same, but behind each set are years and years of sacrifice, discipline, and perseverance. These people paid a price! Do you think they stuffed? One of my biggest regrets in life is that during high school I read a bunch of Cliff Notes summaries instead of 100 novels. In contrast, I have a friend who must have read hundreds of books in his teenage years. His brain can bench press over four hundred pounds. Now, decades later, I would cut one off. . . no, two toes for a brain like that. If you don't pay the price, you can get a degree but not an education. And there is a big difference between the two. Some of our best thinkers have been levelless, self-taught men and women. How did you do that? You read. It's just the biggest habit you could ever develop. But only a few do it regularly. And many stop reading and studying when they finish school. That means brain atrophy. Education is a lifelong pursuit. The person who can't read is no better off than the person who can't. You say you live for today and don't think about the future. I'm saying the main difference between you and your dog is that you can think about tomorrow and he can't. Don't make long-term career decisions based on short-term emotions like the student choosing their major based on the shortest enrollment line. Make decisions with the end in mind. In order to have a good job tomorrow, you have to do your homework tonight. The proverb sums up the whole matter: “Hold fast to the instruction; don't let her go: keep her; because it is your life.” You seem to be saying that you don't need a brain. I say get one! I hope I didn't offend you. I mean fine. It's just that ten years from now I don't want you to sing like our friend the scarecrow did: I wouldn't be just a nothing, my head full of stuff, . . . If only I had a brain. Think about it,
• EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES AFTER SCHOOL Don't worry too much about your major in high school. If you can just learn to think well, you have many career and education options to choose from. Admissions boards and employers don't necessarily care what you studied as long as they see evidence
that you have a clear mind. You will cover several different areas: 1 . Desire – How badly do you want to be accepted into this particular school or program? How bad do you want this job? 2. Standardized Test Scores - How well did you do on your ACT, SAT, GRE, LSAT, etc.? 3. Extracurricular – What other activities (sports, work, clubs, student council, theater, community, church/synagogue/mosque/temple, etc.) have you been involved in? 4 . Letters of Recommendation - What do others - your teachers, employers, colleagues - think of you? Who would recommend you as a good candidate? 5. Grade point average - How well did you do in school? 6 . Communication Skills – How well can you communicate in writing (based on your application essay) and orally (based on an interview)?
If you can just learn to think well, you have many career and education options to choose from.
Most importantly, they just want to see evidence that you will succeed at the next level. Even if your GPA and standardized test scores are low, you don't have to settle for second best. You can still get accepted into great programs or get a good job if you're strong in other areas. Also, don't be put off by rumors about how hard it is to get into college. It's usually not as hard as you might think if you're willing to put some effort into your application. However, it will be more difficult than the following university entrance exam suggests. (Hey, since I'm a soccer player, I have the right to make fun of myself.)
COLLEGE ADMISSION EXAM (adapted for football players)
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Would you ask William Shakespeare to build a bridge across the ocean?
lead an army WRITE A PIECE 3. What religion is the Pope? Jewish Catholic Hindu Polish Agnostic 4. What are the names of the people in the far north of America? Westerns Southerners Northerners 5. Six kings of England were named George, the last being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
6. How many commandments were given to Moses (approximately)?
7. Can you explain Einstein's theory of relativity? yes no 8. What are clothes hangers used for?
9. Explain Le Chatelier's principle of dynamic equilibrium or write your name in CAPITAL LETTERS.
10. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.
• MENTAL OBSTACLES There are a few obstacles to overcome as you expand and build your brain.
Here are three to consider: Screentime. Screen time is any time spent in front of a screen - including computers, smartphones, tablets, video games, cinema screens or televisions. Some time is healthy, but too much time texting, scanning through Facebook or Twitter, playing video games, or watching TV can numb the mind. The average teenager watches television for more than twenty hours a week - that's forty-three days a year and a total of eight years over their lifetime! Just think how productive you could be during those forty-three days of the year—learn Mandarin, take a hip-hop dance class, or learn computer programming. Set guidelines for your screen time and don't let it get out of hand. Or try to lose your remote control. That works too. The nerd syndrome. Some teenagers don't want to do too well in school because they might be labeled 'nerds'. Young women are often made to feel that being smart is bad because it intimidates men. What will we come up with next to scream out loud?! If someone is intimidated by being smart and opinionated, that's just telling you they're intimidated - and not worth your time. Be proud of your mental abilities and the fact that you can get your bearings. Anyway, I can think of a lot of wealthy, successful people who were once considered nerds. Print. Sometimes we are afraid of doing well in school because of the high expectations that come with it. When we bring home a good testimony and are praised for it, we suddenly have an expectation that we will do it again and again. And the pressure builds up. When we do poorly, there is no expectation and no pressure. Remember, the stress that comes from success is much more bearable than the regret that comes from not doing your best. Don't sweat the pressure. you can handle it
• YOU MUST WANT IT Ultimately, the key to sharpening your mind is your desire to learn. You have to really want it. Learning has to turn you on. You have to pay the price. The following story is an example of someone who had an irresistible urge to learn and paid a high price for the simple joy of reading. Reading to this person was "air." The kitchen door opened - and I was caught off guard. It was too late to hide the evidence; the proof lay open, as simply as possible, right in my lap. My father, drunk, flushed, staggered in front of me, dark, menacing. My legs started shaking. I was nine years old. I knew I would be beaten. There could be no escape; my father had found me reading. . . An alcoholic like his parents before him, my father had hit me before, many times and harder, and in the years that followed he would hit me again, many times and harder, until I finally left high school at sixteen and left home . His continued anger at my reading when I was a boy, however, frustrated me more than any other invective; I felt like I was being held in a terrible vise because I wouldn't stop, I couldn't stop reading. I was drawn to books by curiosity and driven by desire—an irresistible need to pretend I was somewhere else. . . That's how I defied my father - and as I recalled here, sometimes I paid a price for that defiance. It was worth it.
This account was written by Walter Anderson in his book Read with Me. Walter is now a successful editor, sits on the boards of many literacy organizations, and is the author of four books. Walter continues: When I was a child, I lived in a violent household, in a violent neighborhood. But there was one place I could go - a library - and all the librarians did was encourage me to read. I could open a book and I could be anywhere. I could do anything I could imagine getting out of a slum. I read my way out of poverty long before I worked my way out of poverty.
At the end of the book I have compiled a list of many great books for teenagers. Just look.
It's never too late to educate yourself. If you can learn to think well, the future will be filled with open doors to opportunity. It's all about brainwaves. Receive.
Taking Care of Your Heart Late one afternoon, there was a knock at the door. "Who could that be?" I opened the door and there was my nineteen year old younger sister, panting and sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" I asked, leading her inside even though I knew exactly what was going on. This was the third sob episode this month. "He's so rude," she sniffed, wiping her red, swollen eyes. "I can't believe he did this to me. It was so mean.” “What did he do this time?” I asked. "Well . . . you know, he asked me to come over to his house to study," she whimpered. "And while we were studying, some other girls came to see him. And he acted like he wouldn't even know me."
Never let anyone come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. MOTHER TERESA
"I wouldn't worry about that," I said. "I used to do this kind of thing." "But I've been with him for two years," she blared. "And when they asked him who I was, he told them I was his sister." Ouch! She was devastated. But I knew that in a few hours or days she would think it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. In fact, a few days later, she was crazy about him again. Do you ever feel like my sister is riding a roller coaster of emotions, up one day and down the next? Do you ever feel like you are the most moody person in the world and can't control your emotions? If so, then welcome to the club because those feelings are pretty normal. You see, the heart is a very temperamental thing. Like your body, it needs constant nourishment and care. The best way to sharpen the saw and feed your heart is to focus on building relationships, or in other words, making regular deposits into your relationship bank
accounts and to your personal bank account. Let's review what these deposits are.
RBA (Relationship Bank Account) deposits • Keeping promises • Making small acts of kindness • Being loyal • Listening • Saying apologies • Setting clear expectations PBA (Personal Bank Account) deposits • Making promises to yourself • Doing small acts of kindness • Be Gentle on Yourself • Be Honest • Renew Yourself • Grow Your Talents As you may have noticed, RBA and PBA deposits are very similar. That's because deposits you make into other people's accounts usually end up in your own as well. Look for opportunities to make deposits and build lasting friendships every day. Listen carefully to a friend, parent, brother or sister without asking for anything in return. Give ten compliments today. Stand up for someone. Come home when you tell your parents. I like how Mother Teresa put it: “Do not let anyone come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's goodness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.” As you seek ways to build rather than ways to tear down, you will be amazed at the happiness you give to and for others can find themselves. If you're thinking about taking care of your heart, here are a few other points to consider.
• SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS A young girl said: “I don't care what relationship you are in or how religious you are . . . Sex is always in the air. Whether you're sitting alone in the car with that person or sitting in front of the TV at home, the question hangs in the air.” Sex is about a lot more than just your body. It's also about your heart. In fact, what you do about sex can affect your self-image and your relationships with others more than any other decision you make. Before you decide to have sex or continue having sex, find your heart and think about it. . . careful. The following excerpt from a brochure published by Journeyworks Publishing should help.
Are you ready to go all the way? Are you sure? Sexually transmitted infections, unplanned pregnancies and emotional doubts are good reasons to wait! Before you go too far, take a look at this list. Or make up your own ways to end the sentence:
You're not ready to have sex when . . . 1. You think sex equals love. 2. You feel pressured. 3. You're afraid to say no. 4. It's just easier to give in. 5. You think everyone else is doing it. (They aren't!) 6. Your instinct tells you not to do it. 7. You don't know the facts about pregnancy. 8. You don't understand how birth control works. 9. They don't believe that a woman can get pregnant the first time. (You can.) 10. It goes against your moral beliefs. 11. It contradicts your religious beliefs. 12. You will regret it in the morning. 13. You feel embarrassed or ashamed.
14. You do it to prove something. 15. You cannot support a child. 16. You can't feed yourself. 17. Their idea of engagement is an online subscription. 18. You believe sex before marriage is wrong. 19. You don't know how to protect yourself from HIV - the virus that causes AIDS. 20. You don't know the signs and symptoms of sexually transmitted infections (STIs, also known as STDs). 21. You think it will make your partner love you. 22. You think it will make you love your partner.
23. You think it will hold you together. 24. You hope it will change your life. 25. You don't want it to change your life. 26. You are not ready for the relationship to change. 27. You are drunk. 28. You wish you were drunk. 29. Your partner is drunk. 30. You expect it to be perfect. 31. You'll just die if it's not perfect. 32. They can't laugh together at awkward elbows and awkward clothing. 33. You're not ready to undress yet. 34. You think HIV and AIDS only happen to other people. 35. You think you can tell who has HIV by looking at them. 36. You don't think teenagers get HIV. (They do.) 37. They don't know that abstinence is the only 100% protection against sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. 38. You didn't talk about tomorrow. 39. You can't face the thought of tomorrow. 40. You would be horrified if your parents found out. 41. You're only doing it for your parents to find out. 42. You are too scared to think clearly. 43. You think it will make you more popular. 44. You feel you "owe" it to your partner. 45. You think it's not okay to be a virgin. 46. You only think of yourself. 47. You don't think about yourself. 48. You can't wait to tell everyone about it. 49. You hope no one finds out about this. 50. You really wish the whole thing had never happened.
It's okay to wait. Excerpt from You're Not Ready to Have Sex When . . . Copyright 1996 Journeyworks Publishing, Santa Cruz, CA. Reprinted with permission.
You'll Make It It's completely normal to feel depressed at times. But there's a big difference between the occasional blues and prolonged depression. When life feels painful for a long period of time and you can't shake the feeling of hopelessness, then things are serious. Fortunately, depression is treatable. Don't hesitate to seek help, either through prescription medication or by talking to someone who is trained to deal with these issues. If you're having suicidal thoughts, please listen carefully to what I'm saying. Hold on tight for your dear life. You can do it. life gets better . . I promise it. You are priceless and needed. You have so much to contribute. Bad times will pass. . . they always do. At some point you will look back at your situation and be glad you persevered, as was the case with this young lady: I am one of the many young people who come from a wonderful family and really have no reason to get into trouble. But I did. Friends became very important to me in junior high school and high school, and life at home seemed very boring to me. I couldn't wait to get out there every day just to be with my buddies and spend time. Within two years I've tried probably every vice in the book and it didn't make me feel any better. On the other hand. I started having trouble even getting home. It was almost too painful to enter this sunny, peaceful home with aromas of good cooking. They all seemed so damn good and perfect and I felt like I couldn't live up to their expectations. I somehow didn't fit in. I wasn't living a life they were proud of and I would only make them miserable. I started wishing I was dead. Then the thought led to actual suicide attempts.
I kept a journal and it really scares me today to see how close I came to ending it all. Now, just a few years later, I'm in college getting an A's, I have a happy social life, I have a boyfriend who loves me very much, and I have a great relationship with my family. I have so many plans, so many things to do. I love life I have so much to live I can't believe I've ever felt any different but I did. It took several serious wake-up calls to make me realize I could be different. Thank god I'm still here.
Remember that what feels like a struggle now will ultimately bring you strength. As the philosopher Kahlil Gibran wrote: “That same fountain from which our laughter springs has often been filled with our tears. The deeper that sorrow penetrates into our being, the more joy it can contain.” (If you need help, please use the hotlines and websites at the end of this book.)
• LAUGH OR CRY After all is said and done, there is one final key to keeping your heart healthy and strong. just laugh It's correct . . . Laugh. Hakuna matata! Do not worry, be Happy! Sometimes life just stinks and there's not much you can do to change it, so you might as well laugh. It's a shame that as we get older we tend to forget what made childhood so magical. A study has shown that by the time you start kindergarten, you will be laughing about 300 times a day. In contrast, the typical adult chuckles seventeen times a day. No wonder kids seem so much happier! Why are we so serious? Maybe it's because we've been taught that laughter is childish. To quote the great Jedi Master Yoda, "You must unlearn what you have learned." We must learn to laugh again. A fascinating article by Peter Doskoch in Psychology Today spoke about the power of humor. Here are its key points: Laughter: • Loosens the mental gears and helps us think creatively • Helps us cope with life's difficulties • Reduces stress • Relaxes us as it lowers our heart rate and blood pressure • Connects us with others and counteracts feelings of alienation, a major factor in depression and suicide • Releases endorphins, the brain's natural painkillers
Laughter has also been shown to promote good health and accelerate healing. I have heard several reports from people who have healed themselves from serious illnesses with heavy doses of laughter therapy. Laughter can also help heal broken relationships. As the great entertainer Victor Borge once said, "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." If you want to bring more laughter into your life, I suggest creating your own "Humor Collection", a collection of funny books or Comics, memes, YouTube videos, comedy podcasts - whatever you find funny. If you're feeling down or take yourself way too seriously, visit your collection. For example, I like silly movies. There are a few actors who make me laugh just thinking about them. I watch her movies whenever I need to "lighten up". Similarly, my brother Stephen owns one of the largest collections of The Far Side cartoons known to man. He swears these cartoons saved him from going crazy during times of stress. Learn to laugh at yourself when weird or stupid things happen to you, because they will. As someone once said, "One of the best things people can have up their sleeve is a good prankster."
Caring for your soul What moves your soul? A wonderful song? A good book? Have you ever seen a movie that made you cry? What got you? What inspires you deeply? Listens to music? Drawing? be in nature? Write? By soul I mean the inner self that lurks beneath the surface of your everyday self. Your soul is your core, therein lie your deepest beliefs and values. It is the source of purpose, meaning and inner peace. Sharpening the saw in the spiritual realm of life means taking time to renew and awaken that inner self. As the famous author Pearl S. Buck wrote: "Within myself is a place where I live all alone, and there you renew your springs that never dry up."
Feeding Your Soul As a teenager, I found strength by writing in my journal, listening to good music, and spending time alone in the mountains. That was my way of renewing my soul, although I didn't think about it that much at the time. Personally, I have also been empowered by inspirational quotes like this one from former US Secretary of Agriculture Ezra Taft Benson: “Men and women who commit their lives to God will find that He can do much more with their lives than they can. He will deepen their joy, expand their vision, enliven their spirit, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirit, multiply their blessings, expand their possibilities, and pour out peace.” Your soul is a very private area of your life. Of course, there are many different ways to feed it. Here are a few ideas from teenagers: • Meditate
• Helping others • Writing a journal • Taking walks • Reading inspirational articles and books • Drawing • Praying • Writing poetry or music • Thinking deeply • Hearing music that speaks to you • Playing a musical instrument • Practicing a religion • Talking to friends I can be myself by • thinking about my goals or mission statement
Here are a few soul-boosting techniques to give special consideration to.
• BACK TO NATURE There is something magical and unbeatable about being in nature. Even if you live in a downtown area that's far from rivers, mountains, or beaches, there's usually a park nearby that you can visit. I once interviewed a young man named Ryan who, in the midst of a really messed up family life, learned about the healing powers of Mother Nature. During high school, I went through a dark period where it seemed like everything had collapsed. That's when I found the river hole. It was only a bench away between some trees behind an old farmhouse and didn't look like much. But it became my escape. There was nobody there, you couldn't hear people. It was wonderful. Just swimming made me feel at one with nature. Whenever I was stressed I would go there. It was like my life could go back to normal. Some people turn to organized religion for guidance, but it was difficult for me to turn to religion. I have a religion and I am strong in it. But sometimes I just have a hard time getting up and going to church because I'm leaving and everyone's like, 'Oh, just be happy. Everything will work out. only have faith It'll work out with your family.” I just think that's nonsense. Come on. Families don't always work. My family is all messed up. But when I went to the river, this place didn't judge me. This place didn't tell me what to do. It was just there. And by following his example, the calm and serenity that reigned there was all I needed to calm things down. It
made me feel like everything would work out.
• A TEENAGERS' BEST FRIEND Keeping a journal can do wonders for your soul. A journal or journal can become your comfort, your best friend, the only place where you can fully express yourself, no matter how angry, happy, anxious, love-mad, insecure or confused you are feeling. You can pour out your heart and it will just listen; it will not speak back. And it won't talk behind your back. A blog isn't necessarily as private as a journal since it's on the internet, but it can also become a great way to express yourself. Writing down your raw thoughts can clear your mind, boost your confidence, and help you find yourself.
Keeping a journal also strengthens your tool of self-knowledge. It's enlightening to read past entries and realize how much you've grown, how stupid and immature you once sounded, or how engaged you were with a boy or girl. A young woman told me how reading old journal entries gave her the insight not to go back to her former abusive boyfriend. There is no formal way to keep a journal. It doesn't even have to have words - it can be a scrapbook or collage of memorabilia, ticket stubs, love letters - anything that preserves memories and experiences. My old journals are full of bad art, bad poetry and strange smells. A journal is just a formal name to put your thoughts on paper. There are other names and forms. Allison writes little notes that she keeps in a special box she calls her sacred box. Kaire renews herself by keeping a "Gratitude Book": I have a book that helps me be more positive in life. I call it my gratitude book. In this book, I write down something I'm grateful for or something positive that happened to me during the day. This book has changed my life and put things completely in perspective because I'm trying to pick out all the good things that are happening and not the bad. I still keep a diary, but this is different. I have a page with my favorite songs, favorite touches (brother's hug), favorite sounds (mother's laughter), favorite feelings (cool breeze) and so on. I also write down little things like "Brian offered to clear the table for me" or "John went out of his way to say hello to me today." Those things feel good. I look back on this book and remember those good things and the bad things are forgotten, erased and gone. You can no longer influence me. I have given a book to others and they say it has really helped them. It's my way of saying, "You're the only one who can make you happy - no one else can."
• YOUR SPIRITUAL NUTRITION I have often wondered what would happen to someone who had drank and eaten nothing but soft drinks and chocolate for several years. How would they look and feel after a while? Probably burned out. But why do we think that the outcome would be different if we were to garbage feed our souls for several years in a row? You are not only what you eat, you are also what you hear, read and see. More important
than what goes into your body goes into your soul. So what is your spiritual diet? Do you feed your soul with nutrients or load it with nuclear waste? Have you ever thought about how much media you consume every day? This includes videos online and on TV, social media, internet ads, as well as books, magazines and even billboards you see on the street. Nowadays it feels impossible to be “media free” even for a day. Try it and you will see what I mean! Dare to spend a day without searching Google, reading a magazine, listening to music or watching TV. You will find that it is practically impossible. At this point, our society has become so addicted to technology and pop culture that you would probably start to experience severe withdrawal pain. Well, if you think the media doesn't affect you, just think about your favorite song and what it does to your emotions. Or think about the last time you saw half-naked models strutting across the screen. Or think back to the last bottle of shampoo you bought. why did you buy it Perhaps because of the impact of a 30-second television commercial or a one-page magazine ad. And if a one-page ad can sell a bottle of shampoo, don't you think a full-length movie, magazine, or CD can sell a lifestyle? As with most things, media has a light side and a dark side. And you have to decide what you allow. My only suggestion is to follow your conscience and treat your soul with the same respect that an Olympic athlete would treat his body. For example, if the music you listen to or the movies you watch makes you feel depressed, angry, dark, violent, or on heat, guess what? That's probably a sign they're junk, and you don't need junk. On the other hand, if you're feeling relaxed, happy, inspired, hopeful, or peaceful, keep absorbing them. You eventually become what you see, hear and read Do you want this to be a part of me?”
• YOU DISTURB MY SLEEP I came across a letter from the Youth Outlook website written by a girl named Ladie Terry who was fed up with all the trashy music videos that have been coming out lately. She addressed the letter to "the sisters who love to drag themselves across my TV screen." I have included parts of it here with permission. I think it's exciting to be in a music video. But do you know how you affect your sisters' minds and lives? Do you think of the younger sisters who are quick learners and emulate you? Have you noticed that the 12 and 13 year olds are dressed up to look like 20 year olds? Or are times so hard that you don't care who you hurt? I used to fight with my ex-boyfriend about watching BET and MTV because most of the videos consisted of not even half-naked girls jiggling and jiggling like a bowl of jelly. . . it hurt me to see my ex boyfriend in a daze with his eyes moving up and down. . . My neighbor used to tell me that when she watches music videos with her boyfriend, he says to her, “This is what your body should look like.” Another friend, who is 16, says boys ask her, “Why can't you do that to dance?"
Why are you on screen in tight short clothes and moving your bodies around like you're freaks? . . . You sisters are very, very beautiful. You don't have to undress to be successful or get attention. You want brothers to respect you? Show them why they should with your elegant, conservative dress – and then back your argument with your words. The way you dress tells people what you're thinking. . . If you improve your looks and your mind, many brethren will improve their dealings with you. So stop competing with who is crazier than the other and get out of the bedroom because you are disturbing my sleep.
• FRIED FROGS Addictions of all kinds—whether it's drugs, gossip, shopping, overeating, or gambling—have common characteristics. Addiction: • Produces momentary pleasure • Temporarily eliminates pain • Gives an artificial sense of self-worth, power, control, security, and intimacy • Aggravates the problems and feelings you are trying to escape from • Becomes the primary focus of your life One of the more subtle, but more dangerous Types of addiction is pornography, and it's available everywhere online. Well, you can argue so much about what is and isn't pornography, but I think deep in your heart you know it. Porn may taste sweet for the moment, but it will gradually dull your finer sensitivity to romance, to other people's feelings, and to life in general until you can't feel much anymore. It will also wear down that inner voice called your conscience until it is stifled. You might be thinking, "Take it easy, Sean. A little skin won't hurt me.” The problem is that like any other addiction, porn creeps up on you. It reminds me of a story I once read about frogs. If you put a frog in boiling water, it will immediately jump out. But if you put it in lukewarm water and then slowly increase the heat, the frog will be cooked before it has the wit to pop out. The same goes for pornography. what you're watching today
may have shocked you a year ago. But because the heat was being turned up so slowly, you didn't even realize your conscience was being seared. Have the courage to walk away, turn it off, throw it away. You're better than that. A boy shared this: During the summer between my junior and senior years of high school, I worked for a construction company. One day the boss asked me to clarify something with the construction manager, who had his office on the construction site in a trailer. When I entered the trailer, there were pornographic pictures on all the walls. For a minute I forgot what I went in there to ask the guys because my attention was drawn to the pictures. It piqued my interest. As I left the trailer I started thinking where can I buy this stuff so I can see more of it? At first when I looked at them I felt very nervous and uncomfortable inside, like what I was doing was wrong, but it didn't take long for me to become addicted to it. It started to consume me to the point where I couldn't think of anything else - my family, work, or sleep. I started thinking and feeling lower. On breaks from work we would go to someone's car and someone would pull out a magazine and we would laugh about it and carry on. The guys who were deeply involved weren't content to just watch. They talked about all the girls they had slept with and they didn't seem to care about anything else in life. That was all their conversations were about, the magazines, movies and sex. Late one afternoon while I was working, I overheard some of my co-workers beginning to whistle and make indecent sexual comments. I looked up to see what the commotion was and there was my younger sister just getting out of her car looking for me. I heard someone say, "I want a piece of this!" I turned angrily and said, "Shut up! That's my little sister!” I was so disgusted. Shortly before closing time I quit my job and drove around alone for a while. I just kept thinking about how hurt my sister looked at being treated so horribly when her intentions had been so innocent. When I went back to work the next day and the guys passed around the magazines, I got up and moved. It took a lot of strength at first, but the more I did it, the easier it became. When conversations started that were rude and distasteful, I walked away and went elsewhere. I didn't think it was funny anymore. I realized they were talking about someone's sister.
• GET REALITY As we close this chapter, let me share a few final thoughts. I once spoke to a girl named Larissa about saw sharpening and she listened to me. "Be honest, Sean. Who has time? I'm in school all day, I have after school activities and I study all night. I have to get good grades to get into college. What am I supposed to do, go to bed early and then fail the math test tomorrow?” Let me just say that. There is a time for everything. A time to be balanced and a time to be imbalanced. There are times when you need to give up a lot of sleep and push your body to its limits, for a day, a week, or even a season. And there will be times when eating junk food from the vending machine is your only alternative to starvation. This is the real life. But there are also times of renewal. If you push yourself too hard for too long, you won't think as clearly, you become moody, and you lose perspective. You may feel like you don't have time to exercise, build friendships, or get inspired while trying to get good grades or doing varsity sports. In reality, you don't have time not to do it. The downtime you spend sharpening your saw pays off immediately because when you get back to your normal routine, you naturally cut faster.
You can do it You probably already sharpen a lot of saws without even knowing it. When you work hard in school, you sharpen your mind. If you are interested in athletics or fitness, take care of your body. Building friendships or being a good son/daughter/grandson/granddaughter/sibling nourishes your heart. If you are
When you spend time alone, you improve your relationship with yourself. Often you can sharpen the saw in more than one area at a time. Melanie once told me how horse riding did for her. The physical nature of riding exercised her body. Thinking intensely while riding exercised her mind. And being in nature nourished her soul. I then asked her, “What about relationships? How does riding develop your heart?” She said, “I'm getting closer to my horse.” Well, I guess sometimes horses can be people too. Saw sharpening doesn't just happen to you. Because this is a Quadrant 2 activity (important but not urgent), you need to be proactive and do it. It's best to set aside time each day to sharpen the saw, even if it's just fifteen or thirty minutes. Some teenagers set aside a certain time each day—early in the morning, after school, or late at night—to be alone, think, or exercise. Others like to do it on weekends. There is no one right way - find what works for you. Abraham Lincoln was once asked, "If you had eight hours to cut down a tree, what would you do?" He replied, "I would spend the first four hours sharpening my saw."
UPCOMING ATTRACTIONS You will like the next chapter because it is really short. You might as well read the book right to the end! ** The Refusal Skill* is a trademark of the Comprehensive Health Education Foundation (C.H.E.F. ®) and The Refusal Skill* model is copyrighted by C.H.E.F.®, Seattle, WA. Any reproduction is prohibited without the express written permission of C.H.E.F.®. The C.H.E.F. All rights reserved.
To have breakfest.
Start an exercise program and carry it out faithfully for 30 days. Walk, dance, swim, ride a bike, skateboard, lift weights, etc. Choose something that you really enjoy.
Quit a bad habit for a week. Go without alcohol, soda, fried foods, chocolate or whatever else could harm your body. See how you feel a week later.
Read blogs with educational value.
Checkout online newspapers. Pay special attention to the headlines and opinion pages.
Take your next date to a museum or ethnic restaurant you've never been to before. Expand your horizons.
Take a one-on-one trip with a family member like your mom or brother. Catch a ball game, go shopping or see a movie, for old times sake.
Start building your humor collection today. Bookmark the funniest memes or videos you know, or create your own collection of great jokes. In no time you'll have something to go to when you're feeling stressed.
Watch the sunset this evening or get up early to watch the sunrise.
If you haven't already, start journaling today.
Take time each day to meditate, reflect on your life, or pray. Do what works for you.
Keep hope alive! BOY, YOU MOVE MOUNTAINS
Years ago, Reverend Jesse Jackson spoke at the Democratic National
convention. He delivered a powerful message that set Congress on fire. He used just three words: “Keep hope alive. Keep hope alive! The audience yelled the same words over and over and over for what felt like an eternity, swelling in applause. You could feel the sincerity in his voice. He inspired everyone. He created hope. That's why I wrote this book. . . to give you hope! Hope you can change, get rid of an addiction, improve an important relationship. I hope that you can find answers to your problems and reach your full potential. So, what if your family life stinks, you're failing school, and the only good relationship you have is with the games on your phone (and it hasn't been getting a lot of texts lately). Keep hope alive! So be safe as you walk carefully and delicately, step by step, and remember that life is one great balancing act. And will you succeed? Yes! Indeed you will! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed) Boy, you're gonna move mountains. DR. SEUSS from OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO
If after reading this book you're feeling overwhelmed and don't know where to start, I would suggest doing this: quickly flip through each chapter to find the key ideas, or ask yourself, "What's my habit?" most? difficult time living?” Then pick just two or three things to work on (don't get overzealous and pick twenty). Write them down and put them in a place where you will see them often. Then let them inspire you every day.
You'll be amazed at the results a few small changes can bring. Gradually, you will become more confident, you will feel happier, you will get "naturally" high, your goals will become a reality, your relationships will improve, and you will feel at peace. It all starts with a single step. If there was a habit or idea that really caught on, such as B. Being Proactive or the Relationship Bank Account, the best way to internalize it is to teach it to someone else while it's fresh in your mind. Carry them out using your own examples and words. Who knows, maybe you cheer them on and they want to work with you. If you ever find yourself slipping or falling short, don't be discouraged. Remember the flight of an airplane. When an airplane takes off, it has a flight plan. However, as the flight progresses, wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, human error and other factors throw the aircraft off course again and again. In fact, 90 percent of the time an airplane is off course. The key is that the pilots keep making small course corrections by reading their instruments and talking to the control tower. As a result, an airplane reaches its destination. When you keep getting thrown off your flight plan and 90 percent of the time you feel like you're off course. . . So what? If you just keep going back to your plan, making small adjustments, and keeping hope alive, you will eventually achieve your goal. Well, that's the end of the book. Thank you for traveling with me and congratulations on your graduation. I just want you to know that I really believe in your future. You are destined for greatness. Always remember, you were born with everything you need to be successful. You don't have to look anywhere else. The power and the light are already within you! Before I say goodbye, I want to leave you with a favorite quote of mine from Bob Moawad that sums it all up. I wish you all the best. Sayonara. You can't leave footprints in the sands of time by sitting on your butt. And who likes to leave buttock imprints in the sands of time?
STUDY GUIDE I hope you enjoyed reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. When you are ready to think more deeply about the topics covered, here are some questions to think about alone or in a group. If you are leading a book study discussion, you may find the Facilitator Guide at www.theleaderinmeonline.org a helpful resource.
• PART I: THE STRUCTURE Get in the habit 1. How do you make or break your habit? 2. Why is it important to master private victory before mastering public victory?
Paradigms and Principles 1. What is a paradigm shift? 2. What makes friends an unstable center? 3. If you don't center your life around a boyfriend or girlfriend, why doesn't it strengthen the relationship? 4. What makes a principled life stable?
• PART II: THE PERSONAL VICTORY The Personal Bank Account 1. What does it mean to change from the inside out? 2. What would be an example of a deposit into your personal bank account? 3. Why does focusing outward rather than inward help a person feel more positive?
Habit 1: Being Proactive 1. How can the language you choose affect your actions and moods? 2. How does "victimitis" hold a person back? 3. If you were a change agent in your family, what would you do? Stop? 4. Which of the four human traits (confidence, conscience, imagination, willpower) is your strongest area? your weakest spot?
Habit 2: Start with the end in mind 1. What are the similarities between a personal mission statement and the roots of a tree? 2. What are the first three words that come to mind when you think of your personal mission statement? 3. Why is a written goal more effective?
Habit 3: Doing things first 1. If you spent more time in quadrant 2, what else could you accomplish? 2. How can planning create freedom? 3. What does "We don't conquer the mountain, we conquer ourselves" mean? 4. Why is belonging so important?
• PART III: THE PUBLIC VICTORY
The Relationship Bank Account 1. Why is interdependence a more mature level than independence? 2. Why is success with yourself so important to success with others? 3. Why are small things seen as big things in relationships? 4. Consider three of your closest relationships. How well do you listen?
Habit 4: Think Win-Win 1. How would you describe Habit 4 – Think Win-Win – in your own words? 2. Why is private victory a prerequisite for win-win thinking? 3. How can competition and comparison affect the ability to think win-win? When is "No Deal" sometimes the best solution?
Habit 5: Understand before being understood 1. Why do you think the deepest need of the human heart is to be understood? 2. Which of the poor hearing skills do you struggle with the most and what can you do to improve them? 3. What do you think would be a deposit into a relationship bank account that you have with a parent or guardian? 4. Why are "I" messages received more positively than "you" messages?
Habit 6: Synergize 1. How is synergy different from compromise or cooperation? 2. How is celebrating diversity different from tolerating diversity? 3. Which of the three barriers to synergy (ignorance, cliques, or prejudice) do you struggle with the most? 4. Are you a workaholic, a follower, an innovator, a harmonizer, or a show-off?
• PART IV: RENEWAL Habit 7: Sharpen the saw 1. Which of the four dimensions do you need to spend more time in? 2. Why is balance important? 3. If you were to quit a current addiction, what would you do with the extra money? 4. Where do you find inspiration?
Keep hope alive! 1. Why is hope so important to moving forward in life? 2. What are your unique strengths and talents? 3. What will you do to make your life extraordinary?
THANK YOU They say that writing a book is like eating an elephant. For some reason, the two years I spent writing this book felt more like eating a whole herd of elephants. Luckily I didn't have to eat them all by myself. There were many others who contributed in many ways to make this book possible. I want to thank each of them: Thank you, Annie Oswald, for being the ultimate project leader and for your tenacity, leadership, and initiative. Without a doubt, you were the key to making this book what it is. Thank you Trevor Walker for your doer attitude and for helping me get this book off the ground from the start. Thank you, Jeanette Sommer, for your unusual level of commitment to this project and for somehow always finding this impossible story. Thank you Pia Jensen for your contribution as a core team member for over two years and for your outstanding stories. Thank you Greg Link for being a brilliant dealmaker and good friend and for leading the PR and marketing efforts. Thank you, Catherine Sagers, my sister, for your great work on The Small Steps and for contributing in many other ways. XOXO Thank you Cynthia Haller, my oldest sister and the "mother hen" for your excellent editorial support, stories and ideas. XOXO Thank you Mark Pett for being the creative mind behind most of the illustrations in the book and for contributing several illustrations. Thank you Eric Olson (the book's lead illustrator) and Ray Kuik (the book's artistic director) of Raeber Graphics, Inc. for your creative genius and for fulfilling my vision of making this book a visual feast. All I can say about you is "Wow!" Thank you, Debra Lund, Janeen Bullock and their team for your proactive efforts in collecting all of these lovely endorsements. Thank you Tony Contos and the team at Joliet Township High School in Illinois for serving as our primary testing site. (Tony, your constant encouragement has kept me afloat.) Special thanks to Sandy Contos, Flora Betts, Barbara Pasteris, Gloria Martinez, Lina Brisbin, Susan Graham, John Randich, Lynn Vaughn, Jennifer Adams, Marie Blunk, Cathe Ghilain, and Marvin Reed, Bonnie Badurski, Judy Bruno, Richard Dobbs, Pat Sullivan, Shawna Kocielko, Reasie McCullough, Nichole Nelson, Michael Stubler, Nichol Douglas, Joseph Facchina, Kaatrina Voss, Joy Denewellis, Jordan McLaughlin, Allison Yanchick, Stephen Davis, Chris Adams, Neal Brockett and Marisha Pasteris. Thank you Rita Elliot and the other staff and students at North Carolina Legislator's School for your insights and interviews. Special thanks to Kia Hardy, Natarsha Sanders, Crystal Hall, Tarrick Cox, Adam Sosne, Heather Sheehan, Tara McCormick, and Terrence Dove. Thank you Kay Jensen and the Sanpete Child Abuse Prevention Team for being so brave in sharing your stories. Thank you to the Heritage School administration, faculty and students. Thank you Cindi Hanson and the Executive Tech class at Timpview High School for letting me teach you the 7 Habits. Special thanks to Kristi Borland, Spencer Clegg, Kelli Klein, Jennie Feitz, Brittney Howard, Tiffany Smith, Becky Tanner, Kaylyn Ellis, Rachel Litster, Melissa Gourley, T.J. Riskas, Willie Morrell, Brandon Kraus, Stephan Heilnor, Monica Moore, and Amanda Valgardson. Thank you, Utah Valley High School students, for your important participation in numerous focus groups. Special thanks to Ariel Amata, Brett Atkinson, Amy Baird, David Beck, Sandy Blumenstock, Megan Bury, Brittany Cameron, Laura Casper, Estee Christensen, Ryan Clark, Carla Domingues, Ryan Edwards, Jeff Gamette, Katie Hall, Liz Jacob, Jeff Jacobs , Jeremy Johnson, Joshua Kautz, Arian Lewis, Lee Lewis, Marco Lopez, Aaron Lund, Harlin Mitchell, Kristi Myrick, Chris Nibley, Whitney Noziska, Dianne Orcutt, Leisy Oswald, Jordan Peterson, Geoff Reynolds, Jasmine Schwerdt, Josie Smith , Heather Sommer, Jeremy Sommer, Steve Strong, Mark Sullivan, Larissa Taylor, Callie Trane, Kelli Maureen Wells, Kristi Woodworth and Lacey Yates. Thank you to the many speakers, authors and youth leaders who helped in one way or another, namely Brettne Shootman, Mona Gayle Timko, James E.H. Collins, Brenton G. Yorgason, James J. Lynch, Matt Clyde, Dan Johnson, Deborah Mangum, Pat O'Brien, Jason Dorsey, Matt Townsend, Vanessa Moore, Dr. Cheryl Gholar and John Bytheway, and Premier School agenda and team. Special thanks to everyone who contributed interviews and stories including Jackie Gago, Sara Duquette, Andy Fries, Arthur Williams, Christopher Williams, Tiffany Tuck, Dave Boyer, Julie Anderson, Liz Sharp, Renon Hulet, Dawn Meeves, Chris Lenderman , Jacob Sommer, Kara Sommer, Sarah Clements, Jeff Clements, Katie Sharp, Brian Ellis, Donald Childs, Heidi Childs, Patricia Myrick, Naurice Moffett, Sydney Hulse, Mari Nishibu, Andrew Wright, Jen Call, Lena Ringheim Jensen, Bryan Hinschberger, Spencer Brooks, Shannon Lynch, Allison Moses, Erin White, Bryce Thatcher, Dermell Reed, Elizabeth Jacob, Tawni Olson, Ryan Edwards, Ryan Casper, Hilda Lopez, Taron Milne, Scott Wilcox, Mark C Mcpherson, Igor Skender, Heather Hoehne, Stacy Greer, Daniel Ross, Melissa Hannig, Colleen Peterson, Joe Jeagany, Tiffany Stoker Madsen, Lorilee Richardson, Stephanie Busbey, Robert Clack, Adkins Jones, Todd Lucas, Andrea McNear, Mary Beth Sylvester, Dr. Cheryl Gholar and Vanessa Moore. And finally, thanks to the hundreds of others who have contributed in various ways.
INFO CENTRAL You or a friend or family member may be in a situation where you feel hopeless, confused and don't know what to do. There are many people and organizations who can and want to help. Please call or visit the websites below. If you don't get the kind of help you need the first time you call or visit, please don't give up - try again. Remember: keep hope alive! For life-threatening crises, call: CRISIS CALL CENTER (available 24 hours a day) 1-800-273-8255 or SMS ANSWER to 839863
Substance Abuse If you suspect you or a friend has a drug or alcohol problem and don't know what to do, call or visit: National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse 1-800-622-2255, http:/ /www .ncadd.org/ If you are concerned about a family member or friend who abuses alcohol or drugs and you are not sure how you can help, call or visit: Al-Anon/Alateen 1- 888-425-2666, http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ For information about drugs, alcohol, and tobacco, call or visit: The American Council for Drug Education 1-888-286-5027, http ://www.phoenixhouse.org/ Partnership for a Drug-Free America 1-855-DRUGFREE, http://www.drugfree.org/
Eating Disorders If you suspect that you or a friend of yours has anorexia, bulimia, or an eating disorder and need help, call or visit: National Eating Disorders Association 1-800-931-2237, http://www . nationalatingdisorders.org
Physical and Mental Health If you or a friend is considering suicide, PLEASE call the Crisis Call Center or call or visit: Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK, http://www.afsp.org/ For more For information about depression or mental illness, call or visit: National Institutes of Mental Health Information Center 1-866-615-6464, http://www.nimh.nih.gov Call or visit: Sexually Transmitted Diseases 1-800-227-8922, http://www.cdc.gov/STD/ National AIDS Hotline 1-800-232-4636, http://www.cdcnpin.org/hiv/ or www.ashastd.org
Grief and Loss If you or a friend are dealing with tragedy or the loss of a loved one or acquaintance and don't know how to deal with it, call or visit: Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors 1-800-959- 8277, http://www.taps.org
Teenage Pregnancy If you are pregnant or concerned about becoming pregnant and need more information about your options, call or visit: American Pregnancy Helpline 1-866-942-6466, http://www.thehelpline.org Birthright International 1-800-550-4900, http://www.birthright.org If you are having or about to have a baby now, call or visit: Baby Your Baby 1-800-826-9662, http://www.birthright.org /www.babyyourbaby.org
Abuse If you are in a dating relationship with an abusive person, call or visit: National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474, http://www.loveisrespect.org If you or a friend, male or female, are a victim of rape, incest, or any form of sexual abuse, call or visit: Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network 1-800-656-4673, http://www.rainn.org Family member abused at home, please call or visit: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800-799-7233, http://www.ndvh.org
If you or a friend is being bullied, call or visit: Speak Up: School Violence and Bullying 1-866-773-2587, http://www.cpyv.org If you or a friend are being bullied online, visit You: http://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/ Cyber-Tippline 1-800-843-5678; http://www.cybertipline.com
Gang Prevention Boys and Girls Club of America Go online to find clubs near you, http://www.bgca.org/
Education If you are concerned about how to pay for college or future professional training, call or visit: Educational Funding 1-800-USALEARN/1-800-725-3276, http://www.ed. gov/ Federal Student Aid 1-800-4-FEDAID/1-800-433-3243, http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/ If you want to learn how to spend wisely or save for your future, visit: http:// /mymoney.gov
Volunteerism If you and your friends are interested in making a difference while learning leadership skills, call or visit: YMCA 1-800-872-9622, http://www.ymca.net/ America's Charities 1-800 - 458-9505, http://www.charities.org/ United Way, Go online to find United Way in your community http://www.unitedway.org/
General Youth Support Services If you are a runaway and need help or want to return home, call the National Runaway Safeline or visit 1-800-RUNAWAY, http://www.1800runaway.org. If you are homeless and need shelter, food and crisis care, call or visit: Covenant House Nine-Line 1-800999-9999, http://www.covenanthouse.org If you think you are having a problem with Online -Have a problem gambling, call or visit: On-Line Gamers Anonymous http://www.olganon.org If you need help setting something up or just want to talk to someone, call or visit: Teen Line 1-800 TLC-TEEN, https://teenlineonline. org/talk-now, or text “teen” to 839863
GREAT BOOKS FOR TEENAGERS Anne of Green Gables classics Lucy Maud Montgomery
A tree grows in Brooklyn Betty Smith
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn The Adventures of Tom Sawyer Mark Twain
Bless me, last Rudolfo Anaya
The book thief Markus Zusak
The Chronicles of Narnia C.S. Lewis
Scream, beloved country Alan Paton
Enders Game Orson Scott Card
Fahrenheit 451 Ray Bradbury
The Fault in Our Stars John Green
The Giver Lois Lowry
The goose girl Shannon Hale
Courtesy Gary Paulsen
Harry-Potter-Serie J. K. Rowling
Holes Louis Sachar
I heard the owl calling my name Margaret Craven
Lord of the Flies William Golding
The Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit J.R.R. Tolkien
Kill a mockingbird Harper Lee
That is, Wiesel
Of Mice and Men John Steinbeck
The Old Man and the Sea Ernest Hemingway
The past and future king T. H. White
O Pioneer Willa Cather
The other Wes Moore Wes Moore
The Outsiders S. E. Hinton
Parrot in the Oven: My Life Victor Martinez
The bride of Prince William Goldman
Red Scarf Girl: A Memoir of the Cultural Revolution Ji-Li Jiang
Speak Laurie Halse Anderson
The Watsons go to Birmingham - 1963 Christopher Paul Curtis
Where the sidewalk ends Shel Silverstein
Self Help The 6 Most Important Decisions You Will Ever Make Sean Covey
The Book of Virtues William J. Bennett
Chew On It: Everything You Didn't Want to Know About Fast Food Eric Schlosser and Charles Wilson
Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul About Tough Things: Tales of Tough Times and Lessons Learned Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Kimberly Kirkberger
The Fiske Guide to Getting Started in the Right College Edward Fiske and Bruce Hammond
The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teens and Their Friends Helen Fitzgerald
How could you do that?!: The renunciation of character, courage and conscience Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Making College Count: A Real-Life Look at Success in and After College Patrick S. O'Brien
The measure of our success: A letter to my children and yours
Marian Wright Edelmann
My Orange Duffel Bag: A Journey to Radical Change Sam Bracken
Rich Dad, Poor Dad for Teens: The Secrets of Money - You Didn't Learn in School Robert Kiyasaki
The Secret to Teen Power Paul Harrington
The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens: CBT and ACT Skills to Build Social Confidence Jennifer Shannon and Doug Shannon
Under the Mask: Understanding Adopted Teens Debbie Riley and John E. Meeks
Destroy this diary Keri Smith
YOU: The Owner’s Manual for Teens: A Guide to a Healthy Body and Happy Life Michael Roizen und Mehmet Oz
Your Pregnancy and Newborn Journey: A Guide for Pregnant Teens Jeanne Warren Lindsay and Jean Brunelli PHN
SEAN COVEY, author, speaker, innovator and CEO, works at FranklinCovey overseeing their innovation, global operations and educational initiatives. He is dedicated to transforming education around the world by bringing principles-centered leadership to as many students and educators as possible. He is a New York Times bestselling author and has written several books including The 6 Most Important Decisions You Will Ever Make, The 7 Habits For Happy Kids, The 4 Disciplines Of Execution, and The 7 Habits For highest effectiveness". Teens, which has been translated into twenty languages and has sold more than five million copies worldwide. Sean graduated with honors from Brigham Young University with a bachelor's degree in English and later earned his MBA from Harvard Business School. As a starting quarterback for BYU, he led his team to two bowl games and was twice voted ESPN's Most Valuable Player of the Game. Born in Belfast, Ireland, Sean's favorite pastimes include going to the movies, playing sports, hanging out with his kids, riding his dirt bike and writing lousy poetry. Sean and his wife Rebecca live in the Rocky Mountains with their children.
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SimonandSchuster.com authors.simonandschuster.com/Sean-Covey Facebook.com/TouchstoneBooks @TouchstoneBooks TITELFOTO © YUSUF SARLAR / E+ / GETTY IMAGES
Other Books by Franklin Covey Co. The 7 Habits of Happy Children The 4 Disciplines of Execution The Swiftness of Confidence The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People The 6 Most Important Decisions You Will Ever Make: A Teen's Guide Principled Leadership First Things First The leader in me The 3rd Alternative The 8th Habit The wisdom and teachings of Stephen R. Covey Let's be honest or let's not gamble Great work, great career Smart faith The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families Life Matters What Matters Most The 10 Natural Laws of successful time and life management The power principle
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BIBLIOGRAPHY Paradigms and Principles Greyling, Dan P. "The Way the Cookie Crumbles." Reprinted with permission from Reader's Digest July 1980. Copyright © 1980 by The Reader's Digest Association, Inc. MacPeek, Walter. Resourceful boy scouts in action. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1969.
THE PERSONAL BANK ACCOUNT Barton, Bruce. The man nobody knows. New York: Collier Books, 1925. MAN IN THE MIRROR. Lyrics and music by Glen Ballard and Siedah Garrett. © Copyright 1987 Music Corporation of America, Aerostation Corporation and Yellowbrick Road Music. All rights for Aerostation Corporation are controlled and managed by MCA Music Publishing, a division of Universal Studios, Inc. International Copyright. All rights reserved.
HABIT I Lemley, Brad. "The Man Who Cannot Be Defeated." New York: Parade. Reprinted with permission from Parade. Copyright © 1989. Nelson, Portia. "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters." From There's a Hole in My Sidewalk. Copyright © 1993 by Portia Nelson. Hillsboro, Oregon: Beyond Words Publishing, Inc., 1-800-284-9673.
Habit 3 Nelson, Portia. There's a hole in my sidewalk. Copyright © 1993 by Portia Nelson. Hillsboro, Oregon: Beyond Words Publishing, Inc., 1-800-284-9673.
Habit 4 Lusseyran, Jacques. And there was light. Edinburgh: Parabola Books, 1985. Reprinted with permission.
Habit 6 Armstrong, Thomas. 7 types of Smart. New York: Plume, 1993. Rodgers, Richard and Oscar Hammerstein II. "You must be taught carefully." Copyright © 1949 by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II. Copyright renewed. WILLIAMSON MUSIC holders of publishing and related rights around the world. Internationally copyrighted. Reprinted with permission. All rights reserved. Sanders, Bill. Goalpost: Devotions for girls. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Fleming Revel, A Division of Baker Book House, 1995.
CUSTOM 7 Litchfield, Allen, contributor. From the recording "Special for Youth" "Sharing the Light in the Wilderness". Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1993. Anderson, Walter. read with me Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1990.
INDEX A abuse, 35, 58–60, 159 drugs and alcohol, 5, 34, 59, 60, 61, 77, 78, 158, 212–15, topping 238, 58–59, 95 sexual, 58–59 abuse 911 calls , 59 accidents, 39, 40, 42, 56–57, 77, 134–35 , 15, 19, 21–22, 49, 57, 69–70, 137–38, 148–49, 153–54 addiction, 9 , 108, 158, 238–39 Advanced Placement (AP), 21, 79 Aggression, 64 AIDS, 78, 230, 231 Air Force Academy, 32–33 Airplanes, 11, 36, 56–57, 244 Alcohol Abuse, 5, 59 , 60, 77, 78, 158, 212–15 121 Alice in Wonderland (Carroll), 74 Amazon, 16 Anderson, Walter, 227 Anger, 7, 40, 52, 55, 67, 122 as choice, 48, 49, 68 , 69, 72 Anthony, Susan B., 118 apartheid, 118 apologies, 54, 71, 135, 141–42, 144 Armstrong, Thomas, 186 Army, U.S., 90 arrogance, 34 art, 41–42, 84 assertiveness, 110 Attitudes: Can-Do, 63–65 Change, 14, 16–18, 59–61 see also Thinking; specific attitudes Avatar, 39-40
B Balance, 9, 22, 26, 111, 112, 207, 240 Ballard, Glen, 31 Barton, Bruce, 37 Basketball, 25, 54, 121, 152-53, 201 Beatles, 12, 64-65 Beauty, 12 , 13, 26, 40, 102 Beethoven, Ludwig van, 121, 207 begin with the end in mind, 5, 6, 29, 73–104 small steps towards, 104 crossroads of life and, 76–79, 104 education and, 79, 81 mission statements and 80–84, 90–94 planning and 75–76, 80–83 visualization and 75, 86, 88, 95 Bennett, Arnold, 32 Benson, Ezra Taft, 234 Beyoncé, 201, 211–12
Bird, Larry, 25 blame, 7, 8, 12, 48, 50–52, 55, 65, 149 Blanchard, Ken, 138 Bok, Derek, 217–18 Borge, Victor, 233 friend, 33, 131, 176 Separations from, 21, 35, 57, 66–68, 83, 97 dependency and, 20–21, 151–52 as centers of life, 18, 20–21, 25 love for, 20, 21 see also gender Braun, Wernher von, 121 Brigham Young University (BYU), 31-33 Brown, Rita Mae, 38 Buddhism, 193 Butler, Kathleen, 187 Byrne, Robert, 172 Bytheway, John, 51
C careers, 126 ambitions and, 21 development of, 42–44, 64–65, 74, 104 income expectations and, 22, 78, 217–18 missions vs., 103 see also jobs; change of work, 14–18 becoming agent for, 59–61 discipline and, 5, 32–33, 123–25 example of, 33, 59–61 forcing of, 53 gradual process of, 33, 66, 94 of habits, 8– 9, 59–61, 72, 158, 243–44 inside out, 33–34 of principles, 19, 24–26 themselves, 8–9, 31–46, 59–61, 72, 82, 158, 243 –44 take initiative for, 63–65 techniques of, 75 character, 28, 93 building, 8, 32, 34, 61, 82–83 cheating, 25, 39 child, Juliet, 215 birth, 60, 78 children, 155 care , 36, 78 tasks, 28, 106, 159 Churchill, Winston, 118–19 control circle, 55 civil rights, 103 Civil War, USA, 79 Cliff Notes, 222 Climber's Guide to the Teton Range (Ortenburger), 44 cliques, 17, 19, 77, 92–93, 123–24, 185, 190 clothing, 20, 35, 185 donations, 36–37 fashion and, 124–25, 148, 157–58, 164, 197–98 coaches, 24–25, 31 –32, 37, 52, 57, 98, 99, 155 "Cold Within, The", 192 College, 22, 63, 165–67, 217, 224–26 admission to, 5, 12, 13, 61, 79, 125, 154, 225
Discovery of interests in, 63, 84 family history and, 12, 60, 61, 68 sports in, 31–33, 57–58, 69, 166–67, 221–23 commitments: breaking of, 94 fulfillment of, 34, 35 , 96–97, 135, 142–43 small, 35, 94 work, 31–33, 35 communication, 18, 71, 141, 165–67, 170, 176–78, 224 community contributions, 45, 64, 65, 76 Competition, 148 comparisons and, 155, 156-58, 162 pulling others down and, 7, 34, 148, 151-52 fear of, 32, 118 school, 7, 14, 15, 21, 57, 106, 146-47 self-image and, 155–56 Sports, 31–33, 155–56, 210 Compliments, 133, 135–36, 138, 159, 179 Computers, 11, 160 Congress, USA, 121, 194 Conscience, 66, 67–68, 69 , 93 Constitution, US, 118 Cooperation, see Synergy Cortés, Hernando, 96 Cosby, Bill, 110 Courage, 64, 110, 116–23, 142, 192–93 Comfort vs., 117–18, 128 Covey, David, 98 –102, 211 Covey, Rebecca, 14 Covey, Stephen, Jr., 233 Covey, Stephen R., 3–4 creativity, 64, 83–84, 96, 98 crying, 40, 58, 71, 234 Curie, Marie, 121
D dancing, 41, 46, 87, 136–37, 210 dating, 16, 19, 76, 134, 136–37, 142, 151–52 initiative and, 15, 20, 63, 71, 118 deadlines, 107–9 Dead Sea, 37 Deafness, 190–91 Death, 33, 39, 40–41, 77 Decca Records, 12 Decision Making, 9, 32, 35, 118–21, 223 De Forest, Lee, 11 DeMille, Cecil B., 25 –26 depression, 5, 50, 135, 137 coping, 34, 35–36, 75, 231–32, 235 destiny, 15, 29, 70, 73–104 dieting, 15, 165 discipline and, 5, 7, 100 –102 sane, 35, 100–101, 206, 208–9 junk food vs. rabbit food, 209 discipline, 5, 7, 32–33, 100–102, 108–11, 125–26, 223 dishonesty, 26, 35, 39 Diversity, 183–93 Celebration vs. Tolerating, 183–85 Intelligence and, 186 Personality and, 187–90
vision and, 186–87 divorce, 16, 23, 83 dogs, 44, 66–68, 112, 159 Doskoch, Peter, 233 Douglas, Gabby, 120–21 motoring, 49, 70, 74, 106 drugs, 5, 76 , 77 abuse of, 34, 60, 61, 77, 78, 158, 212–15, 238 dealing, 68, 69 peer pressure and 5, 77, 124
E Earth, 12, 13 Eating Disorders, 158, 165–66 Education, 217–25 Family History and, 12, 60, 61, 68 Key to the Future, 217–18, 221–23 Values of, 60, 81, 217–23 see also university; Schule Einstein, Albert, 121, 219 Eliot, George, 146 Elizabeth I, Queen of England, 116 Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 96, 132 Encouragement, 14, 15, 16, 21–23, 48, 98, 100, 166, 179 enemies, 33 as life centers, 18, 23, 25 energy, 28, 55 environment, 66, 95, 123–24 ESPN, 32 excellence, pursuit, 5, 21–25, 31–33, 90, 126, 155 exercise , 8, 81, 165, 206, 208, 210–11 stress reduction with, 40, 41, 46 expectations, 226 clarification of, 134, 142–43, 144 exceeding of, 28 wrong, 134, 142–43 income, 22, 78, 217-18 by others, 5, 21-26, 31-32
F Facebook, 16, 19, 35, 49, 104, 107 failure, 94, 110 fear of, 32, 118–23, 155 trying again after, 121–23 fairness, 24, 71, 92 faith, 22, 25, 53 , 81, 118 fame, 23, 93 families, 5 crises in, 68–70 dysfunctional, 59–61 educational history of, 12, 60, 61, 68 loyalty and love in, 26, 57 support and encouragement in, 15, 16 , 21, 22, 23, 33, 48, 100, 179 time spent with, 19, 107, 111, 114, 131 see also parents; Siblings Far Side, The, 233 fear, 32, 58–59, 118–23, 155 decisions based on, 118–19 overcoming, 32, 59, 106, 116–21, 128
First things first, 5, 6, 29, 105-28 small steps to, 126, 128 courage and, 116-23 discipline and, 108-11, 125-26 time management and, 106-16, 125, 128 planning and , 111 –16, 128 principles and, 26 time quadrants and, 107–13 flirting, 20 Foch, Ferdinand, 11 football, 31–33, 52, 57–58, 69, 93, 99–101, 118, 166–67 , 184 forced curve grading , 146, 149 forgiveness, 38, 50, 83, 133, 141–42 Forrest Gump, 210 Frankl, Victor, 84 French underground, 161 Friday Night Lights, 102 friends, 37 acceptance and rejection, 16, 17, 19, 67– 68, 76–78, 123–25 acquisition of, 17, 19, 26, 38, 53, 71, 77–78 cliques of, 17, 19, 77, 92–93, 123–24, 185, 190 entrust, 59 defending, 140 disappointing, 35, 49–50 moody, 19, 49–50, 83 influence of, 76–77, 80, 166 as life centers, 17, 18, 19, 25 new, 17, 19, 124, 158 relationships to , 9, 16–17, 19, 28, 19, 41, 49–50, 53, 57, 131 support and encouragement of, 14, 16, 98, 166 see also Peer Druck Frost, Robert, 122
G Gallwey, W. Timothy, 155 Gandhi, Mohandas K. "Mahatma", 102-103 Gangs, 23, 34, 57, 68-69, 76, 184 Garfield, 67, 185, 210 Garland, Judy, 38 Garrett, Siedah , 31 Gates, Bill, 12 geese, migration of, 182 genes, 66 gentleness, 35, 37–38, 46 George III, king of England, 12 Germany, Nazi, 83, 119, 161 Getting to Synergy Action Plan, 195– 200 Gibran, Kahlil, 232 Glidden, Jock, 42–43 goals: action and, 5, 63–65, 98–103, 126 small steps towards, 5 definition of, 5 orientation towards, 34, 82 pressure from parents and, 5 , 22–23 setting to music, 74–104, 106, 125 professional, 21, 22 writing, 95–96, 101, 104 Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von, 97 golden rule, 28, 138
Goodness, 22-23 gossip, 16, 19, 26, 49-50, 83, 134, 138-40, 144, 149, 238 going with the flow, 80 GPAs, 21-22, 156, 224 grades, 5, 21 –22, 71, 94–95, 109, 125, 146, 149 Grande, Ariana, 157 grandparents, 61, 77, 98 Grand Teton Mountain, 42–44, 98 gratitude, 24, 37, 45 gravity, 24 Gray, Albert E., 125-26 Great Compromise, 195 Great Discovery, The, 70, 84-90, 104 Gretzky, Wayne, 118 Greyling, Dan P., 17 Resentment, 133 Guilt, 94, 111, 131
H habits, ix, xi, 3–9 automatic nature of, 8 change of, 8–9, 59–61, 72, 158, 243–44 definition of, 8–9 good vs bad, 7–8, 59– 61, 72 habits building, 6, 9, 35, 48 see also 7 habits of highly effective teenagers Haire, Beth, 81 Hall, Katie, 91 happiness, 232–33 pleasing others and, 22, 35–37 owning and, 19 responsibility for, 38, 48, 51 sacrifice of, 122–23 hate, 23, 26, 123 heart, 24 care, 206, 228–33 obligation and, 31, 32 needs of, 165–67 quality of, 18, 20 , 39, 171 Helms, Crystal Lee, 190–91 Hemingway, Ernest, 84, 207 Henrichs, Judi, 132–33 Heroes: Athletes as, 23, 93 as Life Centers, 18, 23, 25 Hill, Napoleon, 101 Hillary, Edmund, 118 Hockey, 40, 118 homework, 7, 25, 35, 60, 79, 94, 111, 116, 122 honesty, 38–39 principle, 24–26, 28 self, 22, 35, 38, 46, 93 hope, 22, 38, 102, 203, 243-44 hotlines, 9, 59, 158, 249-51 House of Representatives, USA, 194 humiliation, 58
I ignore, 190-91
Illness, 39–40, 57, 78, 124–25, 178 Imagination, 33, 66, 67, 69, 75, 90 Independence, 20–21, 61, 132 Forbearance, 19, 25, 26, 34 Feelings of inferiority, 8 , 13, 22, 34, 46, 58, 110, 149–51, 156–58 influence, 12, 66, 76–77, 80, 128, 132, 146, 166 information: beautification, 46 openness, 18 ingratitude, 26 initiative , 15, 20, 63–65, 71, 118 Injuries, 166–67 Retired, 23, 26 Recovery from, 56–57 Inner Game of Tennis, The (Gallwey), 155 Inspiration, 8, 84, 87, 90–91 Instagram, 77, 108, 128 integrity, 24 intelligence, 66 different types of, 186 stereotypes about, 12, 13 invention, 12 It's All in Your Mind (Butler), 187 It's All Over Syndrome, 92–93
J Jackson, Jesse, 243 Jealousy, 34, 149, 152 Jobs, Steve, 121 Joliet Township Central High School, 137–38 Jordan River, 37 Magazines, 41, 114, 206, 234, 235–36 Joy, 40, 123
K Keller, Helen, 57, 182 Kennedy, John F., 206 kindness, 82, 228, 229 performance of small acts of, 35–37, 45, 133–34, 135–38, 144 King, Creighton, 43–44 King , Martin Luther Jr., 102, 132 Knight, Rebecca, 136
L labels, negative, 92 language, 63, 184 proactive vs. reactive, 51, 71 laughter, 37–38, 49, 83, 206, 232–33 law(s): breaking, 19, 25–26 natural, 24 laziness , 26, 90, 92, 110–11 leadership skills, 41, 179 learning, 8, 39
various types of, 186 from faults, 38, 71, 78, 93 from sport, 31–33, 42, 44, 55, 57–58, 99–101 Lewis, C. S., 146, 148 libraries, 65, 87, 218 Life , 38, 41 Balance in, 9, 22, 26, 111, 112, 207, 240 Control of, 9, 35, 51, 54–56, 65–70, 112 Crossroads of, 76–79, 104 Definition of Mission and goals in, 5, 73-104 moving forward, 12, 25, 75-76 packing more in, 107-12 paradigms of, 18-27 stuff of, 127, 129, 131-44, 147 taking responsibility for, 5, 23 , 48, 57-58, 61-65 life centers, 18-27 friend as, 18, 20-21, 25 enemies as, 18, 23, 25 friends as, 17, 18, 19, 25 heroes as, 18, 23 , 25 parents as, 18, 22–23, 25 passion vs. obsession and, 23 principles as, 24–27, 28 school as, 18, 21–22, 25 self as, 18, 23, 25 sports/hobbies as, 18, 23, 25 things like, 18, 19–20 working as, 18, 23, 25 Lincoln, Abraham, 48, 121–22, 241 listening, 28, 102, 167–76 five bad styles of, 167–70, 180 genuine and sincere, 5, 77, 83, 140–41, 144, 171–76 inattentive, 7, 140–41, 168, 180 judgment and advice wi Lohr, Steve, 211–12 lose-lose, 147, 151–52, 160 lose-win, 147, 149–51, 159, 160, 161, 162, 178 Louis, Prince of France, 15 Louis XVI, King of France, 15 Love, 20–24, 26, 28, 38, 131, 151–52 Loyalty, 24, 26, 28, 67, 134, 138–40, 144 , 148 avoiding gossip and 139–40 defending others and 140 keeping secrets and 139 Lusseyran, Jacques, 161 lying, 25, 26, 39
M MacDonald, Ian G., 12 McMahon, Jim, 31 MacPeek, Walter, 26 Madison, James, 194 Madison High School, 14 Mandela, Nelson, 118 Manipulation, 19, 149 Man Nobody Knows, The (Barton), 37 Ehe, 60, 78
Decisions on, 74, 95–96, 104 Mars, Bruno, 38 Maxwell, Elaine, 60, 69–70 measure for measure (Shakespeare), 118 meditation, 28, 75, 206, 234 memory, 9, 38 Michelangelo, 84 thoughts , 18 barrier from, 226 renewal of, 206, 216–27, 242 See also reflection, 173–75 Spiegel, 71 see, 28, 29, 31–46, 104 Misérables, Les, 120 Miss Madison, 14 errors , 37–38, 53–54, 92–93 correction of, 38, 53, 141–42 learning from, 38, 71, 78, 93 Mitchell, W., 56–57 Moawad, Bob, 244 moderation, 24, 207 Moment(s): enjoy, 80, 116 hard, 106, 122-23, 125 meaningful, 97-98 money, 23, 39, 51, 160 borrow, 162 discrimination based on, 26, 157-58 income expectations and 22, 78, 217-18 Saving, 60 Moods, 5, 16, 19, 20, 51, 116, 209, 228, 231-32 Mountaineering, 42-44, 57, 98, 118 Mount Everest, 118 Mouritsen, Maren, 103 Movies, 41 , 78 murder, 69 Murray, Bill, 27 Murray, W.H., 96–97 music, 46, 83, 186, 235, 237 lyrics to, 28, 31, 81 performance of, 41, 67 , 83, 119–21, 126 , 148, 1 83, 200, 21 8 Teamwork in, 183, 200 My Fair Lady, 120
N nature: recognition of, 8, 13, 40, 41–42, 235 laws of, 24 as sanctuary, 39–40, 235 synergy in, 182–83 NBA, 25 Nelson, Portia, 62, 124 networking, 64 New Jersey Plan, 194 Newsweek, 12 No Deal, 159-60, 162 NOW Generation, 108 Noziska, Whitney, 91
O Oh, the Places You'll Go (Seuss), 243 Old Man and the Sea, The (Hemingway), 84 Olsen, Kenneth, 11 Olympic Games, 155 One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish (Seuss), 184 One Minute Manager, The (Blanchard), 138 „On the Street Where You Live“, 120 Optimismus, 81 Ortenburger, Leigh, 44
P Palmore, Deborah Miller, 201 parade, 56 paradigms, 11–28, 186–87 definition of, 13 imprecise or incomplete, 13–14, 15, 16, 18, 28 of life, 18–27 negative vs. positive, 13 –16, 28 from others, 16–18 see also life centers paradigm shift, 14, 16–18 parents, 16, 66, 83 blame, 7 communication with, 170, 176–78 death of, 39, 40–41 difficulties with, 5 , 18, 22–23, 40, 49, 66, 68, 71, 150–51 honesty with, 39, 46 independence from, 22–23, 61 as centers of life, 18, 22–23, 125 love and respect for, 22 , 23 nagging and pressure of, 5, 22–23 bad examples given by, 59–61 relationships with, 9, 12, 131, 134–35, 141–42 support and encouragement of, 15, 16, 21, 22, 23 , 48, 100, 179 see also family passion, 84, 87 obsession vs., 23 past, 94 reparation, 38, 78 Pasteur, Louis, 121 Paterson, William, 194 patience, 28, 37 peace, 56, 71, 93 peer pressure , 5, 19, 21, 116–17, 128 yielding, 5, 34, 77, 109–10, 124, 150 good, 125 resisting, 34, 77, 106 , 116, 123–25 perceptions, see paradi gms perfection, 37, 90, 132, 211–12 personal bank account (PBA), 29, 31–46, 125, 132, 206 small steps to, 45–46 deposits and withdrawals from , 34–35, 38, 39, 41, 44, 94, 123, 154, 229 healthy, 34 poor, 34 personality, 14 different types of, 187–90, 200 personal ideals, 80–84, 90–94, 104 Examples for, 81–82, 90, 91
forms of, 81, 90 roadblocks to, 92–94, 106 sources of, 81 discovery of talent and, 83–84 writing of, 80–82, 84, 90–92, 125 telephone, 12, 108, 109 excessive use of , 7, 110 Pike's Peak Marathon, 43 planner, 112–15, 116, 128 planning, 8, 74–104, 111–16 daily adjustment and, 115–16 follow-up, 45, 115–16, 128 identification of “big rocks ’ and, 113–15, 128 Weekly, 112, 113–15, 116 Playing Favorites, 26, 148 ‘Please Listen’, 167 Viewpoints: alternative, 16–18, 28, 82, 141, 186–87 alternating from, 16 –18 popularity, 19, 34, 83, 93, 136 pornography, 34, 239–40 power, 27, 55, 61, 96, 132 tools of, 66–70, 75 pregnancy, 78, 230 prejudice, 12 , 26, 52, 92, 184–85, 191–92 pride, 146, 148 principles, 11–28 small steps and, 27–28 compromise and change, 19, 24–25, 26 equal application of, 24 identify of, 24, 26, 28 as centers of life, 24–27, 28 natural right, 24 prioritization of, 26 reliability of, 25–27 priorities, 5, 107, 109, 111–12, 113 educational, 21–22 principles as , 26 private victory, 6, 29–144, 154 personal bank account and, 31–46 in sports, 31–33, 42–44, 118 proactivity, 6, 29, 47–72 baby steps to , 71–72 advantages of, 53–54 selection and, 65–70 development muscles of, 61–63 language of, 51, 71 reactivity vs., 7, 48–53, 68–70 techniques of, 49, 50, 51 , 54–70, 71–72 turning setbacks into triumphs with, 56–58 Provo Gymnasium, 98–101 psychiatrist, 35–36, 83 Ptolemy, 12, 13 public speaking, 41, 118, 243 public victory, 6, 33– 34, 129-202
Q Quotes: Collection of, 9, 90 Stupid, 11–12
R racism, 12, 26, 52, 118, 191–92 rape, 58 rat race, 149 reactivity vs. proactivity, 7, 48–53, 68–70 Reader's Digest, 17 reading, 8, 9, 41, 45, 63 , 65, 87, 112, 177, 206, 218, 219, 226–27 Read with Me (Anderson), 227 Reed, Dermell, 68–70 Reed, Kevin, 69 Refusal Skill, 214–15 Relationship Bank Account (RBA) , 34, 131–44, 198, 206 baby enters, 144 deposits and withdrawals, 132–38, 140, 142–43, 176, 178–79, 229 relationships, 34, 131–202 abusive, 35, 58–60, 95, 159 improvement of, 9, 23, 131-44 new, 17, 19 problems with, 5, 16, 18, 20-21, 22-23, 40, 49, 66, 68, 71, 94, 150-52 evaluation of, 131 safety in, 140, 154 stability of, 21, 26 work, 50–53 see also friend; Friends; Parents; Sibling religion, 81, 184, 234 renewal, 5, 6, 39–41, 46, 125, 203–45 small steps to, 242 of the body, 206, 208–9, 242 of the heart and soul, 206, 228–42 of spirit, 206, 216-27, 242 neglect of, 8, 35 reputation, 78, 110 respect, 8, 22, 24, 26, 53, 165 self, 11, 22-23, 61, 93, 125 responsibility, 5, 23, 24, 48, 53, 57–58, 61–65 neglect of, 7, 108–11 pressure of, 32 resume, 64 revenge, 69 risk taking, 86, 116–23 role models, 59–60 , 86 rolling Stones, 65 Rudeness, 49, 65, 66, 72, 228, 240 Running, 41, 80, 101, 210 Ruth, Babe, 121
S Sanders, Bill, 192–93 saw, sharpening, 5, 6, 41, 203, 205–45 school, 219–20 competition in, 7, 14, 15, 21, 57, 106, 146–47 demolition, 61 , 78, 219
niches find in, 218–20 classes in, 5, 21–22, 71, 94–95, 109, 125, 224 as life center, 18, 21–22, 25 stay, 60 test in, 39, 49, 79, 106 , 108, 109, 110, 128, 224 titles and achievements in, 15, 19, 21–22, 49, 57, 69–70, 137–38, 148–49, 153–54 Sea of Galilee, 37 secrecy, 59, 139 Self: change of, 8–9, 31–46, 59–61, 72, 82, 158, 243–44 concern for others' opinions of, 34, 55 defense of, 34, 46 disappointment with, 34 evaluation of, 81 focus away from, 35-37 gentleness with, 35, 37-38, 46 growth of, 37, 48-72 as life center, 18, 23, 25 love of, 38 mastery of, 6, 29-144 pleasing, 23 promises, 34, 35, 45, 125 self-esteem, 66-67, 72 self-confidence, 82, 125 build-up of, 9, 14-16, 19-20, 22-23, 34-35, 41-44, 81 lack of, 149- 51 self-doubt, 32 self-expression, 41-44 self-image, 78, 155-56 construction of, 14-16, 22-23, 28, 41-44 negative, 8, 13, 14, 18, 22 positive, 14, 15-16 , 28, 41–44, 81 weight and, 4, 12 self improvement, 8, 32–33, 50 self stsucht, 25, 26, 149, 179 ff Self-esteem, 11, 22–23, 61, 93, 125 Self-confidence, 34, 35 Senate, USA, 122, 194 Service, 24, 26, 35–37, 45, 206 Seuss, Dr., 121, 184 , 243 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, The (Covey), 3–4, 61, 82 47–72, 74, 106, 132 two, 5, 6, 29, 34, 73–104, 106, 125, 132 three, 5, 6, 29, 34, 105–28, 132 four, 5, 6, 34, 129, 132, 145–62 five, 5, 6, 34, 129, 132, 141, 163 –80 six, 5, 6, 34, 129, 132, 180–202 seven, 5, 6, 41, 203, 205–45 opposites of, 7–8 power of, 27 sequential nature of, 6, 9, 35, 48 gender, 229–31 abusive, 58–59 decisions about, 7, 76, 78–79, 82, 123–24 , 230–31 peer pressure and 5, 82 promiscuity, 7, 78, 124 sexually transmitted infections (STIs), 78, 230, 231
Shakespeare, William, 118, 123, 225 Shaw, George Bernard, 11, 65, 94 siblings, 59, 61, 106 relationships to, 26, 35, 49, 55, 131, 135, 136–37, 151, 159 134 listening with, 5, 77, 83, 140–41, 144, 171–76 idlers, 110–11, 112 slavery, 52 sleep, 100, 110, 122, 178, 206, 208, 238 smiles, Samuel, 8 Smith , Elinor , 63 smoking, 12, 212–13 Socrates, 216 soul, nurturing, 206, 234–44 sports/hobbies, 92 breaking records, 43–44 college, 31–33, 57–58, 69, 166–67, 221– 23 develop talents in, 22, 24–25, 31–33, 41–44 lessons of, 31–3, 42, 44, 55, 57–58, 99–101 as life centers, 18, 23 , 25 private victories in, 31–33, 42–44, 118 stress relief in, 40, 41, 46 star wars, 155 status, 17, 23 stealing, 39, 49, 146, 158 stepparent, 12, 13 strength, 39 borrowing, 98 developing from, 125 in hard moments, 106, 122–23, 125 turning to weakness, 101–2 stress, 4, 111, 137, 206, 217 coping, 39–41, 46, 116, 233, 235 exercise and 40, 41, 46 , 210 learning groups, 146, 162 studying, 8, 108, 109, 110, 116, 128 stuff : accumulation of, 19–20, 23 of life, 127, 129, 131–44, 47 as life centers, 18–20 titles and achievements as, 19, 23 success, 34, 81, 147–48 common part of, 125– 27 at the expense of others, 7, 34, 148 after failure, 121–23 ladder to, 93 suicide attempts, 232 superbowl, 31, 54 superiority complex, 20, 153 support groups, 58 Swift, Taylor, 81 synergy, 5, 6, 129, 181–202 Baby Steps to, 202 brainstorming and, 195, 199, 196–97, 199 celebrating differences and, 183–93 defining problems or opportunities for, 195, 196, 198–99 defining, 182–83 getting there, 182, 185, 193-201 highway to, 193-95, 197-98, 200 roadblocks to, 190-92
Teamwork and 5, 6, 58, 71, 132, 152–53, 182–83, 200–201 Understanding and 195, 196, 199
T Talents: admiration, 45, 86, discovery of, 83–84, 87–89, 104, 125, 229 83 exaggerated, 7, 110, 128 see also gossip teacher, 22, 84, 194 accuse, 7, 12, 48 encourage , 16, 63 expecting, 21, 79, 91 relationships with, 37, 71, 131 teamwork, 5, 6, 58, 71, 132, 152–53, 182–83, 200–201 Teens: Challenges, 106 emotional struggles of , 4–5, 14, 15, 16, 93 negative thinking of, 4–5 , 7–8, 11–12, 13, 14 self-image of, 4, 12, 15 vulnerability of, 4, 15 television, 11, 110 , 111 temptation, 15 Ten Commandments, The, 25–26 Teresa, mother, 103, 228, 229 tests, 49, 79, 106 endowment, 104 cheating, 39 standardized, 149, 224 studying for, 108, 109, 110, 116 , 128 Teton Mountains, 42–44 thank you notes, 37, 144 There's a Hole in My Sidewalk (Nelson), 62 thinking: meditative, 28, 75, 206, 234 negative vs. positive, 4–5, 7–8, 11 –16, 34, 37–38, 43–44, 46, 47–72, 92–93, 145–62 compulsive, 18, 21–22, 23, 151–52, 155, 161 see also Thought Time: Blocking of, 112–17, 128 family, 19, 107, 111, 114, 131 M anagement and mastery of, 4, 9, 28, 55, 106-16, 125, 128 value of, 127 wasting time, 110-11, 116, 128 time quadrants, 107-13, 116 importance vs. urgency and, 107-12 quadrant 1 of, 107, 108–9, 112 quadrant 2 of, 107, 109, 111–12, 113, 241 3rd quadrant, 109–10, 112 4th quadrant, 110–11, 112 spending time in, 108–15 Tomlin, Lily, 96, 149 Trust, 34, 35, 59, 135, 142 Twain, Mark, 52, 136, 213 Twitter, 157, 159, 197, 226
U Understanding: taking small steps towards, 180 expressing personal views vs., 7, 169-70, 195, 196, 199 trying to be understood after, 5, 6, 129, 141, 163-80, 195, 196, 199 synergy and , 195, 196, 199 Unga, Fine, 183–84 United Press International, 64 USDA MyPlate, 209
V Vacation, 195–97 Values, 127 Decide, 74–104, 125 Defining, 9 Education, 60, 81, 217–23 Wrong, 78, 80 Vandalism, 34 Victimitis Virus, 52–53 Victims, 52–53 Crimes, 69 sexual, 58–59 violence, 68–69, 227 Virginia plan, 194 vision: change of, 15–16, 18 variety of, 186–87 impairment of, 42, 44, 161 positive focus of, 13, 14, 15 –16, 18, 53, 56, 75 visualization, 75, 86, 88, 95 volleyball, 55, 78, 155–56 volunteering, 45, 64, 65
W walking, 41, 46, 80, 208, 210 wartime, 26, 83, 119 sites, 9, 23, 150, 158, 232, 238 weeks, Russell, 43–44 weight: building up, 99–101 excessive, 4 , 12 Loss of, 214 Welch, Jack, 80 Welfare Dependency, 59, 60 What About Bob, 27 Who Am I?, xi Wildflowers, 41–42 Willpower, 29, 66, 68, 69, 96, 99 – 101, 126 will't power vs., 103, 105, 106, 109-10, 112, 128 win lots, 7, 146, 147-49, 159, 160, 161, 162 winnie-the-pooh, 140 wins , 121–23, 155, 161 win-win, 5, 129, 145–47, 152–54, 159–61 baby steps to, 162 fruits of, 159–61 women: rights of, 118 stereotypes of, 12 labor :
Commitment to, 31-33, 35 employee relations and, 50, 51, 239-40 going the extra mile at, 28, 32-33 hard, 24, 25, 28, 50, 93, 106, 148 as a center of life, 18, 23, 25 volunteers, 45, 64, 65 World War I, 11 World War II, 119, 161
Y Jasager, 109–10, 128 Young, Steve, 31
Z Zanuck, Darryl F., 11
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